Paddy Kenny – naturally fit
In the latest cost-cutting move by owner Massimo Cellino, Leeds United players will now have to purchase gym-membership style passes in order to be able to use the club’s training facilities, reports the Mirror. This radical measure has been taken in addition to previously announced steps whereby the players have to bring their own packed lunches to training, and pay for the privilege of hand-washing their own kit, using a washboard and a mangle, “just like-a Grandmama used to have”.
According to the Mirror, the training fees are likely to be at the higher end as compared to well-known health clubs such as LA Fitness or Nuffield – but the club owner feels that a premium price is appropriate as several of his players are earning quite high wages, some of them well into four figures. The innovation has been coolly received by some of United’s top profile stars, many of whom are now considering their contractual positions with the club – with the possibility even of opting out of the training aspect altogether.
Goalkeeper Paddy Kenny, no longer a first team regular towards the end of last season, is one who has decided that, if he has to pay, he’ll simply not train. “It just doesn’t feel right to me,” the former QPR custodian was quoted as saying, through a mouthful of chips. “Surely, it’s the responsibility of the club to get us fit and keep us in match trim? Luckily, I’m a naturally fit sort of guy anyway and I don’t need all this intensive pre-season stuff. Besides, training just makes me tired.” Elsewhere in the squad, the idea of charges to train have been enough to convince one prospective signing that he should take the desperate option of a move to Ipswich instead.
Future measures communicated to the Mirror include a requirement that the match-day squad will have to hire Elland Road in order to fulfil home fixtures. Again, a parallel with real life is being drawn, and it is being pointed out by the club that no sports centre would simply allow use of its five-a-side hall for nothing, nor yet of its all-weather or grass pitches outside. “Times are hard, and sporting institutions have to make ends meet. Thorp Arch and Elland Road are world-class facilities, and the players have used them gratis for far too long. We have to make respect, my friend,” said a club insider who wished to be identified only as “Big Mass”, in order to preserve his incognito status. This is thought to be a reference, however, to either Signor Cellino, or the nickname for Paddy Kenny himself.
It is thought that all charges incurred by players for using the club’s facilities will, in the first instance, be deducted directly from their salaries. As and when a review of the archaic practice of actually paying the players is conducted, this too may have to be re-thought.
Leeds United are due to open their league programme at Millwall on August 9th (kick-off 3pm as well as a few outbreaks earlier in the day). Cut-price coach travel to the New Den, complete with an overnight stopover and breakfast, is being offered to the first team squad at an unbeatable £399.99 a head. It’s onwards and upwards to a new era at Elland Road.
Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything 
Must be true then if the mirror says so.newspaper wankers
LikeLike
We are having a bit of a whip round here in the dale. Anything thought too mediocre for the food bank along with some old clothes and a couple of luncheon vouchers will all be sent off to ER. A couple of the keepers are interested in playing as well. One is only slightly larger than the cherub impersonator in the piccy, so should be in with a chance. He’s cheap as well – probably turn out for a few beers and a bargain bucket. Good value eh??
LikeLike
ha ha bloody funny as usual, perhaps they can take it in turn with kit washing, by Christ we used to have to, and pay subs, to pay for pitch, ref and trophies for end of season, by god they earn enough coin. just had a though mccormacks a sweaty sock, known to be tight as a ducks arse, he broke his nose bending down for a penny whilst at Cardiff I heard, no wonder he wants 10k a week more.
as for Kenny fat bastard, another player who thinks he can take the piss, I am 54 I cycle twice week regular for two/three hours at a brisk pace, the only brisk pave he knows is for stuffing pies, cakes and beer down his throat, absolutely no pride, I am on the payroll bollacks to my employers, what a fat twat…… as for the Mirror don’t believe the hype!!!!!!!!!!!
LikeLike
Tabloid Leeds bashing seems to be flavour of the week! Nothing from the tabloids though on the great new Leeds kit and the long queues to buy it or the fact that the majority of the squad are in Italy training – well at least either the ones wanted for assessment or the ones who wants away! Presently, this blog excepted, there is a lot of dismal dross being posted and I can only presume by the grand children of the original ‘Lowfields Moaners’ who used to inhabit that standing area of ER.
I might remind them that The Don escaped relegation in his first year and took two more years to get us promoted. MC has taken over a far worse situation and some people want it fixed in a few weeks!
Well I for one am excited about the new season. I don’t expect promotion but if I see 100+% commitment, steady improvement, development of young players together with new recruits then that will do for me. As Cellino said it’s our club and if everyone positively gets behind the team then we can all MOT.
LikeLike
Ok – we have appointed an unknown veteran as first team coach, our top scorer has asked for a move, we haven’t signed anybody as we have a transfer embargo in place after our bank account was frozen because of a winding up order issued by a former chairman, currently behind bars in Bahrain. Our first signing seems likely to be a left back – we’ve got 3 already – who last played for Maidenhead United reserves.
Is it really all going to plan?
Nevertheless, I feel strangely optimistic. I’ve just renewed my membership and am looking forward to an easy 3 points at Millwall, where we always do well.
Do you think I need professional help?
LikeLike
Definitely.
LikeLike
Brilliant as usual. I feel a marketing opportunity coming on here – lunch boxes as used and endorsed by your favourite players and personally autographed laundry baskets!
LikeLike
John, you’re just what we need. Do it! 😉
LikeLike
what a load of B*** and these journalists are paid to write these stories and then have the cheek to moan about footballers !!!!!
LikeLike
Amazing isn’t it -_-
LikeLike
prove intent Massimo, or loose the fans as well as the players
LikeLike
The press and blogs really follow the news, IPSWICH BEAT LEEDS TO SIGNING STEWART WTF we didn’t want him, we were wishing hoping we wouldn’t have to keep him. even the BBC the scums favourite station are full it
LikeLike
When Billy Painter scored the winner agaist us last season, he joined a long list of Leeds players who didn’t make the grade at ER who returned to prove a point (or three!). This season could be very interesting, given that half of the team who played last season are going to be turning out for rival teams.
I hear Paddy Kenny has negotiated his own shirt sponsorship with KFC and instead of Enterprise will have ‘Bargain bucket’ on his shirt.
LikeLike
I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the fans’ response to RMc’s engineering of a move. I expected a tirade of doom aimed the Club’s lack of ambition, but most seem to accept that it is the player who is motivated by money. All that badge-kissing malarkey is a load of borax. Personally, I feel anything over 5 mill. is a steal, so snap their hand off.
Also pleased to see that Stewart is not joining. He had some talent, but was very lazy and sulky. I saw at least 2 goals we conceded due to his lack of tracking back.
Got a feeling we are going to be mega-fit this coming season, and about time too. However good the players are, they can’t perform if they are not fit.
I remember reading that Gary Mac was physically sick during Howard Wilkinsons pre-season cross country runs. Apparently Batts & Speedo were laughing at him ‘a million quid and he can’t run!’ That’s what we need.
MOT
LikeLike
Its not just the money
He’s taken one look at hockaday and thought “how the fuck can this guy make me a better player”
You’ll notice with mccormack
Mcdermott leaves – starts getting agitated on twitter
Looks like mcallister is new manager – starts making all the right noises, looks like he’s staying
Has first training session with the Hock – fuck this I’m outta here
It’s lack of ambition just as much as it is money, he thinks hes got more chance of getting in the prem with fulham, and hes probably right, what with 60mil+ tv rights last year.
I think if cellino had done the right thing and hired Gary mac or someone else the better players can respect he wouldn’t be off.
LikeLike
I think paddy kennys lunch box will double as his laundry basket so there’s another cost cutting for you massimo
LikeLike
Not even funny!! good article though. made me laugh but all oh so depressing. Laughing stock again!!
LikeLike
I notice in the article that the Mirror also thinks our club is the Lilywhites.
LikeLike
gets funnier by the minute sky report Blackburn snap up Reg on the buses Varney another idjit gone many thanks
LikeLike
brilliant! i almost choked on my salad. another insightful scoop from Mr Atkinson.
LikeLike
Paddy Kenny must be thinking of becoming a Shaun Ryder tribute act the fat c**t!
LikeLike
Those mirror hacks don’t know jack… its obvious paddy has already finished his training, so doesn’t need to fly out with the lazier guys. Not many championship striker are going to get one past paddy. The last time I saw anyone bend a ball that well was Tony Currie, although Duncan McKenzie could do a good banana shot too, and the odd ‘Bend it like Beckham’ might catch paddy out. Woe betide any Yeboa or Lorimer tactics though, the ricochet could be up for own goal of the season.
LikeLike
See we are signing Monica Belucci god she is hot …. permission to cry now please Rob
LikeLike
Granted 😥
LikeLike
From the Mxxxxx a paper that has gone out of its way to hate leeds united since the 60’s, how any leeds fan can buy the rag beggars belief, how much not only financially did a re run of the case cost us after the scum mxxxxx collapsed the trial ??
Pity leeds fans don’t unite like the scousers and boycott the awful paper
LikeLike
Well in our case just about all the papers hate Leeds, daily heil, star, sun, Manchester guardian etc..
About the only ones that don’t have it in for us are the telegraph and the independent
LikeLike
So did they have to pay there own fair to Italian traing camp
LikeLike
no , paddy kenny smuggled them all in his Y fronts
LikeLike
I’m sure much of the article was a wind up but it’s true about the packed lunches eh?
Now it’s ok to say players are pampered and overpaid but all Cellino has done is make a fool of Leeds Utd itself! You can just hear away fans next season taking the mick. I thought we had a rich multimillionaire who was gonna rescue the club? All i see so far is a skinflint!
All the same for Paddy to say training tires him just about sums up the lackadaisical approach many of the players showed last season. Get your f** ass to training!
LikeLike
The mirrors head football writer, Oliver holt is a lifelong rabid scum fan (see also shit stiring over saurez and man city with FFP)
its to be expected
LikeLike
I hear by re name the daily star the daily shart ….. its full of shit after all
LikeLike
Tim, well it is a fairground at Elland rd now, see you on the dodgems ….. all the fun of the fair
LikeLike
Lol lol -in response to the picture of an alleged Paddy Kenny training I would simply ask everyone to look at the picture slightly closer and you will realise that Leeds United have in fact made what would appear to be a very shrewd signing in the close season- It’s Shaun Ryder from the Happy Mondays- howay Rob you’re twisting my melon man!!
LikeLike
Why AYE, bonny lad 😉
LikeLike
Pingback: Mirror Reports Brazilian International Latest to Quit Leeds – by Rob Atkinson | Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything