Sh**n H*rv*y
In an uncharacteristic burst of frankness and honesty, a highly-placed source at the Football League has freely admitted that the problem they have with Massimo Cellino, shortly due to have an appeal heard against his banning as Leeds United owner, is that he’s “just that bit too honest and successful” for what the League see as ideal Leeds United ownership material. Sh**n H*rv*y (name disguised to protect the guilty) told a Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything reporter last night, “Signor Cellino isn’t really what we’re looking for in the case of Leeds United. He’s had a couple of convictions, but they’re really not all that promising – one quashed and the other soon to be “spent” under English law. There’s talk of an embezzlement rap, but – you know – we had the ideal man in there for a decade, he was set fair to ruin Leeds as who knows better than me? And now they’re looking at someone with real money? No, it’s not what the League are looking for, it’s not what the Football Family are looking for.”
Pressed on the FL requirements for approval, Mr. H*rv*y revealed, “We’re looking for the kind of man who would get in there and start upsetting people. The League feel that they have a responsibility to the memory of the late, great Alan Hardaker here. He set the standard for hating Leeds, a standard which, as an institution, we hold dear – one we’re very proud of. What we’re really after is someone like Mr Tan down at Cardiff – imagine if he had gone up to Leeds and had them playing in red! Even dear old Ken never dared try that.” Our reporter asked about other owners who had received approval without too much fuss and bother, citing the porn barons who control West Ham, people with Russian mafia connections who are doing very well in West London and various other members of what is known as the “Well Dodgy Geezers Club” including rapists and money-launderers. Again, our League spokesman was very clear about this:
“It’s a matter of choosing the best man for a particular job. You’re quite right in saying that Cellino is squeaky clean compared to certain other football owners – but we have to do something to stretch this out. Cellino is seriously rich, and there’s a very real fear out there that Leeds United could enter an extremely successful period unless we’re very, very careful. That’s happened before, on more than one occasion, and it’s not something our members like, it’s not something 99.9% of the fans out there want to see happening. Because don’t forget – once they’re up, there’s nothing much we of the Football League can do, with dodgy refs and the like, to prevent them being successful. Mr Tinkler has been retired a long time, after all! As a responsible governing body, we just have to get this right for the many – and not just look at the selfish interests of one deeply unpopular club.”
So, what’s actually going to happen? Mr H*rv*y smiled, winked, tapped his nose conspiratorially and told us that the League are happy to play a long game here. “We know that Leeds are financially stretched again just now, and our utterly brilliant transfer embargo will put the bite on their squad plans – not to mention this pesky £20 million capital injection. Let’s just spin it out and see what happens. Our back-room staff have dug out all of the legal documentation surrounding that whole minus fifteen points thing, and we’re ready to go again at the drop of a hat.” He chuckled, ever so slightly maliciously. “I’m really hopeful that, if Leeds do get out of the Championship, it’ll be in the ‘down’ direction – not ‘up’. And then – well, it’s game on, isn’t it!!”
Our reporter gently pointed out that Mr Cellino appeared perfectly willing to keep guiding the club through any short-term difficulties even while his appeal was pending, and that there was even talk of high-profile loan signings with a view to securing Championship survival and pushing on next year. “You bloody what!?” bellowed an exasperated Chief Executive. “Well, that’s bloody torn it, hasn’t it? So what about poor old Millwall and Blackpool, eh?? Back to the drawing board, then. Christ all bloody mighty….!!”
The League later contacted us by phone, asking us not to take Mr H*rv*y’s statement to us, as above, too literally. “He’s been working hard on this, and things had been going extremely well, or so we’d thought. Sh**n had put away a couple of shandies when he spoke to you, and this has possibly led to him – ahem – quoting himself out of context. The Football League do not hate Leeds United, who are a very valuable part of the Football Family. We will continue to do everything possible to expedite this ownership appeal situation, and we hope to have a further, definitive statement sometime before the end of next season.”
Brian Mawhinney is 94.
Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything 
Classic. just brightened my day, Rob. Thanks! 🙂
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No worries, it was cathartic for me 🙂
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Have you sent a copy to the league. They probably believe their tactics will put Cellino off and they will their desired goal, LUFC goes bust. Shame on the football league.
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Rob – enjoyed reading that as much as I suspect, you enjoyed writing it ?
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Thanks – you’ve sussed me out!
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Well put Rob! In a perverse way I would like the bastards to turn Cellino down so we could have it in the High Court and overturned. Meanwhile I think the heat is off a bit now as there is no doubt Cellino is financing the club otherwise we would not have Butland and there is talk of others coming in for a final last ditch effort for this season. Some would say we are not good enough for the Prem but NO Championship club is either. It’s a question of how good a promoted club is in the summer market. Some say we never win play off finals. I say you have to take each one as it comes and win on the day. Keep the faith until Saturday lunchtime at least. MOT for ever.
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Love it..hate the fact it could have so much truth to it. Only Leeds could end up with the sacked Harvey, architect of the hateful Bates drama years, presiding over our ownership fate at the FL. You really, really really couldn’t make it up. But then, we are Leeds…..MOT
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Paranoid much? Have you been on the whacky baccy?
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Someone explain “satire” to Ginner for me? I’m tied up in my drugs rehab programme…
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Satire is usually employed to reflect what the author believes to be true. Therefore, your subjective opinion formed a basis for your comical piece, making you slightly paranoid mate. I don’t buy this idea that we’re universally hated – the overwhelming majority of fans I know would like to see Leeds back where we belong – in the top division.
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Hmmmmm.
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Great stuff Rob. Several echoes of truth in there mate!
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Brought a smile to my day
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The West Ham porn barons have ‘product placement’ on East enders. It’s West Ham everywhere.
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I agree wholeheartedly with Tim S on here. His words sum up the whole Leeds United ethos of “Keep Fighting”. As for harvey,it beggars belief how some people land top jobs depite being wholly inappropriate for such positions. Mawhinney was another one,no experience and clearly no knowledge of the game yet he’s allowed power over 72 clubs and their thousands of supporters. Are these people freemasons or something like that? I couldn’t think of anyone less fitting than harvey for an executive job at the football league,apart from the “Dark One” himself,but i doubt the fl would fork out the air fares for him.
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nice one , funny and with a hint of truth hidden here and there. Enjoyed that !
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Very droll Rob, but you never know how near the truth with these tongue in cheek articles you articles you can be, keep it up.
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This is probably so close to the truth that the truth can feel itself breathing down it’s own neck
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I think it’s highly likely the FL are spinning this out in the hope Cellino will walk away and Leeds will be forced into administration. They have been trying to destroy us since the 60s. Anyone who watched Leeds in the seventies and eighties in particular will be aware that outrageous bias among referees and other officials was simply what one expected. This made it harder to beat bigger clubs in particular; Man Utd continue to be featherbedded by referees even now, getting every 50/50 decision going. ‘You’re always playing against 12 when they come to Elland Road’. Everybody knew that.
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Football league hate the “mighty Leeds” ……… bring it on, just makes us stronger. MOT
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Tinkler, the man who invented pitch invasions! I’ll never forget the sight of respectable middle-aged men in their sports jackets, running on the pitch, incensed at the most outrageous refereeing decision I’ve ever yet seen!
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Anybody know when the purchase price of Elland Road next goes up? Is Sh**n the Sheep on a bonus from Capn Birdseye if the FL can delay Cellino’s purchase until then, or am I just paranoid?
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Brilliant. Loved it mate.
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You do realise Shaun Harvey is the man who appointed your beloved Grayson and McDermott, don’t you?
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Yes, and so what?
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Clive you are a complete knob wallet and that’s putting politely . Rob you are still the king and you wear the crown…. But please and I’ve asked politely in the past or else …… Please do not print that horrible orrifices face on your blog again we agreed he is to be known as the rabbit …. Where s my gun run rabbit run run rabbit run run run mmmm maybe being kind more of a weasel and like wise I’d like to pop the weasel …. Dirty vermin
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Oh no he wasn’t! Surely nobody believes that Shaun made any meaningful decisions whatsoever while he was in the Big Chair at LUFC? Let’s not beat about the bush; Harvey was Bates’ eyes and ears (apart from Lorimer, Williams, Yvonne the Rottie and the hidden cameras in the bogs) at Elland Road. As his stooge, Shaun was there to carry out Ken’s wishes to the letter. Harvey would have been lucky if he’d been allowed to choose which office chair to sit in, a task which would have been completely beyond him if Ken hadn’t had got a plaque reading “Shaun Harvey” glued to the back of one.
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Deja vu,…….so who exactly is fit to run a football club?
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What a comple arsehole typical fl wanker is he fit and proper I very much doubt it same as the rest never been involved playing but think they now how to run it complete set of c-nts
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Something tells me the minus 15 will be minus 17 next time…….if there is a next time.
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I believe that Bates has got his faithful manservant to hound Cellino so much that he will eventually be ground down and driven out of Elland Road. And yes, Bad Santa will be there with his cape on, yellowing underpants
outside of his trousers, to “rescue us” again.
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I don’t like victim-centric society. I’m a biker and I resent the fact that a lot of my whinging mates bleat endlessly on about how all the traffic laws are geared towards cars at the expense of bikes. Then we tear-arse through traffic, indiscriminately threatening any car-driving scumbag who dares to voice even the mildest of (justifiable) remonstration towards us.
Similarly I hate it when (equally) big, tough Leeds fans whinge about those nasty Millwall fans for wearing galatasaray shirts. “Man-up, you nonces” is what I think to all of this sad, pathetic whinging. What do you want to do – tell the teacher about these naughty boys? Grow up you pathetic little gits.
And I have this attitude to pathetic creatures everywhere, not just to my woeful, Leeds-supporting, bike-riding peers. It doesn’t make me popular but I’m a man and if you’re too much of a wimp to cope with my strident views, that’s your problem – live with it.
And by the way, I don’t applaud Gary Speed. Yes, he was my hero at Leeds, but the snivelling coward left his kids without a father and his wife without a husband, Seeing Leeds fans attempting to monopolise the ersatz emotion surrounding this despicable man really makes me sick and they should be ashamed of themselves.
So now you know where I’m coming from. But even I can’t help thinking that this Cellino issue suggests that there is a hidden agenda that specifically targets LUFC. There has been so much comment on the selective nature of this campaign against Leeds – and non so eloquently written as on this very blog – and yet the FL still seem to think that they can get away with it. This time the whinging really does seem justified, because – no matter which way you look at it – it seems that the odds are stacked against us.
And this brings me back to the “we are victims” attitude. You know, it would make much more sense if we stopped navel-gazing and started making common cause with other clubs; because this could happen to them, too. Right now we are isolating ourselves by pleading special case; but I don’t care what you think about other supporters and other clubs: our common enemy is the FL. And we need to develop a situation where, as soon these nasty little people pick on any club, we all – regardless of which club we support – gang up on those FL people and make them back down.
This might seem idealistic, but the old adage stands: together we stand; divided we fall. And I would much rather stand – side-by-side – with a red-shirt-scum fan with than with a member of the FL or FA or whatever they call themselves these days. We really need to bridge that gap so that we can be enemies on match day (and we can shout and spout the usual abuse at each other) but thereafter, unite against our common enemy: the FL. Only then will we be able to face these vicious little thugs down.
MOT
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Strong stuff – but despite your rider, I’ll go with it. You’ve earned the respect and confidence of this blog, for whatever that might be worth.
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Harvey’s say in this really sticks in my craw… given his past input, as you rightly point out Rob.
Has the guy no sense of irony?
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Fair question 🙂
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Rob, That’s not a photo of S**n Ha**ey. That’s Rowan Atkinson in the first series of Blackadder!!
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That’s a disgraceful slur on a fine comedian and very nearly my namesake 🙂
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Thank you
Fantastic Blog
Good luck
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