In a shock move designed to placate millions of loyal and bewildered fans across the world, some of whom have even visited the Theatre of Hollow Myths, Man U – famously celebrated as the “Pride of Devon” – are to appeal directly to the Football Association in the matter of what they see as a gross injustice, whereby Leeds United have far cooler nicknames than Manchester’s second/third club.
The matter is being taken very seriously due to an outcry from distressed armchair owners the length and breadth of Cornwall and clear across to Milton Keynes. A spokesman for Man U was quoted as saying “Some of our fans are very upset indeed. They’ve heard Leeds United being referred to as “the Damned United” and even as “the Last Champions”, and they fear that these nicknames have a ring of cool credibility that our own branding sadly lacks.” But what about the traditional nicknames for Man U such as the Red Devils? “That’s a problem too,” said the spokesman, glumly. “Too many football fans from other clubs have sussed out that we originally nicked that from Salford RL when we re-branded and stopped being Newton Heath. The realisation that we’re not the only, nor even the first United – that’s also come as a blow to many of our faithful Sky TV followers. There’s a lot of disillusion out there, especially now the team is so crap…”
The protest to the FA will contain a number of key proposals, including but not limited to new “Branding Fair Play” regulations. “We’ll also be asking for a right of veto as to nicknames being applied to other clubs,” said our Man U contact. “Nicknames deemed by us as just too cool for anyone but our own Man U will be appropriated and patented as Man U copyright. Sadly, it’s too late for that with the two Leeds nicknames, they’re already solidly identified with that lot from Elland Road. It’s not fair, it’s not right – but there’s not a lot even we can do about it. But you tell me how we’re going to convince even our fans that we’re the biggest and greatest in the world when we don’t have the biggest stadium, the most fans, the most money, a winning team – and now we don’t even have the coolest nicknames?? It’s JUST NOT FAIR. Time was we could do what we wanted…”
At this point, the spokesman tailed off, sobbed a little and flounced away tearfully for a lie down – but an FA source was able to confirm for us that an Official Whinge had indeed been lodged. “We are considering the matter,” the FA stated. “Frankly, we feel we should help Man U in this, if at all possible. We’re aware that our referees haven’t perhaps been as co-operative this season as they have been in the past – and we’ve all been a bit at sea since S’ralex stepped down as Supreme Commander. We’ll certainly look sympathetically on whatever representations are made to us.”
A Man U supporters group had been prepared to talk to us, but changed their intentions at the last minute after we advised them we’d have to reveal they are based in Kent. They issued a short statement which read: “We have quite enough people taking the Michael out of us already without all this, thanks very much.”
When we contacted Leeds United, they were slightly more forthcoming: “We have no objection to being known as “The Damned United” if that’s what people out there want to do,” we were told. “Furthermore, we can confirm that, as everyone knows, we are the Last Champions and that we’re also the only Damned United worth bothering about.”
Ticket tout Bobby Charlton is 103.
Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything 
Oh yes a great article as usual Rob. We ARE the Last Champions and THE DAMNED UNITED….not the Devon Dullards or the SALFORD SOFTIES.
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That article has got me wishing I supported my local team Torquay, but I just don’t have the balls. I’m just a natural-born gloryhunter.
Please spam me on:
cocobean53@hotmail.com
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I prefer super leeds personally as it fits very well with the time football worldwide was at its best. I have seriously been thinking of creating an epetition and get 100K signitures calling for the BBC to stop referring to Man U as simply ‘united’ in their reports -especially when other teams in the same match are also united. This is BBC bias and in contradiction to the BBC’s licence requirements; create the petition and get the rest of the UKs other uniteds supprter’s involved. One day when I can be bothered with Salford (Media city) United maybe.
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Very funny. are you not busy in your NCP car park payment kiosk ?
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With repartee like that, why aren’t you a stand-up comedian??
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A very funny blog as per usual Rob. All true of course. Sadly, it also only confirms the dire state of affairs at present that blogs about our great club are far more interesting than what is being served up on the pitch – football, as I recall. Waiting for Cellino….
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It’s difficult to take a side seriously when their captain runs around with “ear to ear carpeting”. They had a player in the same position during the 60s and 70s who also had a “bad hair life”. It came as a shock to everyone that bobby charlton was actually bald,as he hid it so well with that crafty combover. When he ran, it looked like his head was coming undone.
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Not dissimilar then to Tomas Brolin’s moment of low comedy at Selhurst Park when he wore a head bandage for some minor cut or other. He was playing against Leeds and one of ours drove the ball against his head while he was down whinging over something – and the bandages simply exploded. Bloody funny – wonder if it’s on YouTube??
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Brolin,what a car crash. 9m wasted on him and sharpe. What were you thinking Sgt Wilko? On the subject of things coming undone,i think there will be major news regarding the tory party coalition. The daily fail are rehashing old news about harriet harman and i reckon they’re getting in first before some tory bigwigs are exposed as paedos. Also, lets all hope that murdoch goes down with brookes and coulson despite her not realising phone hacking was illegal. Yeah right.
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Both teams started out as the same team anyway. No surprise the scummy red part want to nick the cool sides names.
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Having a crap day, and that made me laugh out loud WORD UP! quite brilliant ….. had a beer with a southern Manc last night, have never seen him quite so despondent, although he was looking forward to playing olyimpi shite house during this week, as he knows they are likely to have a few sent off, which will give his beloved a chance of winning, honestly that was his game plan !!!!! so down was he, he could not name the top three in the premiership, I said his trouble was he was used to the second biggest team in Manchester being in the top three…. that was funny as well, and he was happy to be above Everton on goal average… desperate times or what !!!!!!!!! he also forgot whos round it was, I ended up 3 – 1 winner ha ha that was funny as well …. but not as funny as this article
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Theres only 1 team in actual Manchester, which is why man city fans call them salford united amongst other things.
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It is! Along with beautifully audible abuse from the Leeds support – You Fat Bas###d! And funny commentary from the sky crew…
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hee hee, I remember that: “we’ve got Martyn, you’ve got Brolin” was another chant, given that we got Nigel from Palace, ha ha
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take a look at this afterwards:
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you forget our other nickname
SUPER LEEDS!!!!!
MOT
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Am I alone in actually revelling in our “Dirty Leeds” nickname? Nowt wrong with going in hard eh?
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A theme park being built in the Scum fans local area?!! http://londonist.com/2014/02/london-to-get-shrek-theme-park.php?
Thoughtful of them
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Where’s HF gone??
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Perhaps the Mother Ship returned for him?
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But they got a fine nickname now rob. Instantly brings them to mind, it easily identifies both them and their so called fans. Other clubs have tried to borrow or steal this but it really sums them up….
SCUM
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I like the cut of your jib, sir 🙂
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Always liked scum as their name but feel’ has beens’ fits them better now. As for us still like super leeds but my personal favourite still is L.U.F.C. maybe we should start an appeal for them. Maybe not though.
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Classic ……. loved it, more please sir !
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Revel in your own bitterness.
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And you in yours, Mr. Bastard.
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I suppose any nick name is better than Scum so they’re bound to be bitter rob
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😂
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An excellent & thought provoking article as always Rob!
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I love the “Ticket tout Bobby Charlton is 103.”
The pen given to Bournemouth reminded me of a pen Ref David Ellery gave the Scum at Elland Road. The foul was committed in the D of the penalty area. Blatantly cheating. As a Leeds Utd fan you always expect the worst, and the FL or FA never disappoint.
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We won that game as I recall, the first win over “them” for quite a while. Two decades of that kind of decision going for and not against them goes a long way to explaining the bogus success of the Taggart era.
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Spot on Rob.
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Overheard a lady in SportsDirect Harrogate ask a fellow shopper “is this the latest kit?” a couple of years back, whilst she was handling the filthy item. Bloke replies “I’m not gonna help you on that one”… mini fist pump from me. There was a time where wearing a Man Utd top anywhere near Leeds would get you a free ride to St James’. Now they’re everywhere.
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You Leeds lot DO have the coolest nicknames, you’re spot on, and it makes our Devon based support very insecure. Well said. Love from OLD SCUM xxx
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Thanks, OLD SCUM, very honest of you. It’s good to be the King 🤴 😁
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