Leeds’ Mateusz Klich to Face Ban for Trying to Dissolve Bolton Player – by Rob Atkinson


Evil Klich brazenly attempting to dissolve Bolton’s Joe Williams

The Football League has started looking into an incident at Elland Road in which a bottle containing some sort of liquid substance appeared to be squirted towards an opposing player by Leeds midfielder Mateusz Klich as United took on Bolton Wanderers.

League spokesman Mr. Lee D. Shater confirmed that an investigation was under way, adding “It’s been a dull few days since the Spygate scandal ended, and we’ve all been at a bit of a loose end, though it was fun shopping for Shaun’s leaving pressie with a recent windfall. But we need to get back into action. Also, there may even have been a rule broken this time, especially if it turns out that the bottle contained acid, or Novichok or maybe some kind of flesh-eating agent like in those Bond films off of the telly. You never know with these espionage types, so we’ll be taking this seriously. We got two hundred grand out of Leeds for not breaking any rules – really, the sky’s the limit here”.

When we advised Mr. Shater that the bottle in question has been confirmed as containing only water, the League man flinched slightly, but responded by pointing out a little-known regulation introduced by Shaun Harvey directly after today’s final whistle. “This is Regulation 3.4.H2O, which makes it a breach of good faith to use any potential solvent, including water, in an attempt to dissolve an opponent with malice aforethought. The term “dissolve” includes dissolving into tears, which we understand is what happened with Joe Williams, who got his poor neck wet. So, you know, QED. Maybe we can even get that nasty Klich banned”.

Shaun Harvey, 48, is a certifiable lunatic.

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18 responses to “Leeds’ Mateusz Klich to Face Ban for Trying to Dissolve Bolton Player – by Rob Atkinson

  1. Steady Rob,don’t be giving them an invitation for retrospective punishment,you know how they like to play dirty!

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  2. Rob we got a penalty!!!!!!!! Although I would rather a headbutt (brentford) than be soaked by water I mean someone could drown. I’m glad that you have brought this to the leagues attention to write in some more rules half way through a season. Were leeds we recommend that you re-write the rules.

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  3. Mike Durham

    Rob I’ve started to have nightmares ; I’m sure I had a burger in 1971 when I was eleven and if memory serves, I burped….
    I’m not sure if the burger van survived the aforementioned incident but I fear a retrospective points deduction may be near…

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  4. Obviously no action, not even a booking, for the guy that took Ayling out, that would have been a sending off at rugby!!

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  5. Chadonooky

    Have you noticed in the last two games Rob the mysterious appearance of extra – extra time that have been played when Leeds have been ahead by the odd goal.
    Against Swansea the ET was stated as 4 mins with nearly six played and today it was 7 mins played against a stated 5 mins.
    Nice to get a penno today but the EFL seem to have sneakily come up with another ruse to keep their cash cow in the Championship.
    BTW hope Coventry sue the arse off The EFL if they throw a famous old club onto the scrap heap.MOT.

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  6. Reality Cheque

    Joking apart Rob, I am pretty sure that Phil Parkinson will claim he was incited by Klich’s actions before seeing his red card and that’s more than enough for the EFL to take retrospective action against any player in a Leeds United shirt. Consequently, I suspect that Klich will receive a minimum one match ban so I hope that Izzy Brown is able to step into the breach at such a critical stage of the season.

    Great to see Bamford on the score sheet and a very valuable, well deserved 3 points today which I hope we can repeat against QPR on Tuesday to reclaim our rightful place at the league’s summit.

    March brings games against West Brom, Sheffield United and Bristol City so we are going to have to be much more clinical in front of goal and hopefully start keeping some clean sheets to underline our credentials as realistic automatic promotion contenders. Thankfully, with Bielsa we are in excellent hands, have a very United and highly motivated dressing room plus a truly amazing 12th man. ALAW

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    • While we’re being serious, I don’t mind admitting that forthcoming games against Bristol City, WBA and Sheffield Utd have got me seriously worried. Not to mention facing a QPR team that has lost its last seven. How Leeds would it be to lose that one?

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  7. He needed to cool off rob, klich just obliged.. as for being worried about Bristol west brom and the blunts, our best is yet to come mate, we’ll beat QPR on Tuesday, WBA will be under a lot of pressure to get a win on Friday night now and we’ll take em down a peg or two, also I’m sticking pins into a billy sharp doll as I type this so relax

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  8. Life is LUFC

    I’m not sure if anyone else spotted this bit….whilst that bloke in the blue shirt was being drowned and all the others were attempting to save him (well that’s my version of events) did you notice Bielsa walking along the side line he never even looked at the life saving attempt he just walked up to the side of Alioski knelt down and started checking he was alright.
    By the way he was the man who was shoulder barged in the back by a bloke in a blue shirt, he was then seen to be holding his back whilst another bloke in blue shirt tried to man handle him off the ground, but the bloke in the blue shirt then some how managed to fall into the water. Meanwhile all the lads were splashing about before realising someone was in need of help.
    How they all got from a football pitch to the swimming pool I have no idea but the next minute they were back on the football pitch again. I’m surprised any of them knew where the goal posts were. Oh what fun boys will be boys.
    Oh yes Leeds were granted another PENALTY…..two in one season. It must have been the Ref’s birthday 🙂

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  9. howard mackey

    We are beginning to annoy opposing teams and their Managers at the right time now keep it up Leeds,but we need to be converting those chances we should be putting games to bed by half time.M.O.T.
    Regards H.
    .

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    • I’ve been waiting for us to really wallop someone. All it’d take is a better conversion rate on some of these chances. But it doesn’t seem to be happening.

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  10. On a serious note (no, really) as that thug tried to lift Mr Alioskiclearly with back pain, shouldn’t the Health & Safety Executive be doing an investigation?? IMHO, it’s far worse than squirting a drop of water on someone, but then again, we are Leeds, “watergate” scandal incoming 🙂

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