Round-up: New Cellino FL Charges Rock Leeds + Man U ‘Legend’ Retires – by Rob Atkinson


Sheriff Cellino to face FL lynch mob?

Sheriff Cellino to face FL lynch mob?

After a lengthy and sulky silence since a High Court defeat over their attempts to ban Massimo Cellino, Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything can exclusively reveal that the gentlemen of the Football League (motto: In Senility We Trust) have drawn up a new raft of charges against the Italian. It is being confidently predicted that these latest allegations will shock and disgust the English football establishment to such a degree that Cellino will have no choice but to stand down.

A Football League statement, issued today, specified the following misdemeanours allegedly committed by Cellino since his confirmation as Leeds United owner:

  • That he has made Leeds United FC debt-free and solvent, with millions in working capital;
  • That he has pruned the Leeds United squad of deadwood left over from the Bates era;
  • That he has, moreover, obtained fees for several of these unwanted players;
  • That he has embarked on a programme of player recruitment to strengthen the squad;
  • That he proposes to acquire Elland Road and found a local Training Academy;
  • That – most seriously – he obtained a fee of £11m for Ross McCormack (approx three times the player’s true value).

The FL statement went on to emphasise how seriously it is taking these matters. “Any one of these charges, if proven, would be sufficient for the application of punitive sanctions,” said League spokesperson Mr Gobfrey Buffoon, “as any one of the measures Mr Cellino has allegedly taken would threaten to make Leeds United much more competitive, even to the point where a promotion push is feasible. This is quite clearly in contravention of several League regulations as well as the dying wishes expressed by our late, great leader, Saint Alan Hardaker.”

It is expected that the League will be supported in any action against Leeds United and Massimo Cellino by the majority of their member clubs, all of whom have expressed uneasiness at the thought of the Elland Road outfit attaining Premier League status.  Mr Cellino, when asked for his reaction to yet more Football League charges, was terse and yet apparently charitable. “Peace on them”, is all he would say to us, before heading off to the Old Peacock to get the beers in.

Elsewhere in the soccer world, it’s a sad day for the Biggest Club in the Universe™ as one of their all-time legends has announced his retirement. Howard Webb, the Trafford Ballpark outfit’s MVP for most of this century, has decided to call it a day at only 43 and with seemingly years of useful Man U service left in him.

Pride of Devon fans mourn the loss of a legend

Pride of Devon fans mourn the loss of a legend

It is not yet clear where new Theatre of Hollow Myths boss Louis van Gaal proposes to seek a suitable replacement for Webb. A spokesman for the franchise would only confirm that several promising younger officials were being looked at, and that early-season performances would be monitored carefully. Meanwhile, the loss of Webb has left a gaping hole in the Premier League also-rans’ squad, and it is thought that a new man will be recruited as a matter of urgency. With van Gaal fully occupied in his task of at least maintaining last season’s mid-table form, speculation is rife that the matter of Webb’s replacement may be delegated to former boss Alex Ferguson. This has been neither confirmed nor denied by the Man U board.

Shaun Harvey is 94.

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27 responses to “Round-up: New Cellino FL Charges Rock Leeds + Man U ‘Legend’ Retires – by Rob Atkinson

  1. As sharp as ever Rob. We have missed you, welcome back! Interesting to hear Mr Cellinos shock and surprise at the Cottagers agreeing to the fee for Mr McCormak? reminds me a little of the fee and enormous salary we gave for a Rams player who was no better in midfield than my Gran………

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  2. sniffersshorts

    There is one massimo eees from Italy , the FL , they thinks eees crazeeee, but we all love himmmmmmm , because he is probably on cocaine, blow and E, but we all know better …… because it’s all threeeeee ( based on now or never or as most know the old corneto advert )

    Like

  3. barry jacobson

    hi rob your blog as usual is fantastic a great read

    Like

  4. Patrick Hogan

    At last! Where’ve you been Rob? We got more from you when you were in Filey.

    Like

  5. Don’t give them too many ideas, Rob – it’s only marginal paranoia to suggest that the FL treat us rather harsher than some other clubs. How quickly would a breach of FFP have been raised if we’d sold 2 players and then immediately got the players back (along with the reported £7mill fee)?

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  6. Excellent article as always, and welcome back !

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  7. hi rob , nice to see you back , I’ve just got back from Holland and while there I took in a tour of the Ajax stadium ,, in all honesty it puts ER to shame , we have a long way to go before were a European power house once more and I just hope the cellino knockers smell the coffee and wake up soon…

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  8. Once again you have nailed it….enough said!!

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  9. Hi Rob.
    I think it is right that the FA seek to remove Cellino from Leeds United. I am disgusted at the way Cellino has turned the fortunes and finances of the once useless and much ridiculed Leeds United around. I have become used to and also comfortable with the expectation and subsequent disappointment of each transfer window. What if we improve by signing all these players? What if we never take a drubbing by some non-descript team again – I have become used to it and wouldn’t want it any different? What if – God Forbid – we actually ever manage to beat Derby – how could we look their fans in the eye? Positivity and happiness is just not the feeling I expect from a trip to Elland Road. I would miss the barracking,ridicule and mockery delivered by virtually every other clubs supporters when they come and pass us off the pitch and then leave with all three points – its what other clubs have now come to expect. What right has Cellino to pay off all our debts? The cheeky bastard is even talking about buying back the ground. Absolutely scandalous. I, for one, am counting the days until we get Ken back and get some of that negativity back.

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  10. seagullbus

    Good blog-as ever- which made me chortle and guffaw. Keep up the good work.

    Like

  11. Betting for the CS season ahead has been active in the time being. Well this approach for the season 14-15 well it has been like whether we avoid relegation or not? But this is my view here so we will at least stabilise our presence in CS for 14-15 season but the door is open for the bigger results. And for the forthcoming pussy cat game well I have never thought that they are some kind of rivals, are they really? I grew up in environment that LEEDS UNITED FOOTBALL CLUB was and will be the top dog in the segment of scum, Gunners,Pool and Us.

    Tare

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  12. Ropey Wyla

    If it really was left up to Fergie to decide who replaces Webb,…… I can just imagine!
    Fergie, half p*ssed, in really short shorts with a shiny red whistle, and nose for that matter, driving a golf buggy, as referee with David Moyes, in really baggy shorts that keep falling down and massively oversized shoes but with no red nose, running the line, struggling to work out which side he should raise his flag for it to be in FC Devon’s favour.

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  13. Welcome back mate! Great read as usual. Looking forward to Saturday . Marching on together to the capital. Come on Leeds ! Do the Millwall scum. Lets all stick together and support the team 100% it’s not gonna be plain sailing there will no doubt be teething problems , after all this is Leeds United but looking at these players Saturday , I am confident we’ll be okay. M.O.T

    Like

  14. Graham williams

    Fantastic reply to all those knockers who think leeds are goi g to struggle gave me a laugh and a lot of it spot on !!!

    Like

  15. George-lufctid

    Absolutely top drawer mate

    Like

  16. Uthinkyourimportant

    Yawn!

    Like

  17. Dave Howsob

    Absolutely love it…..

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  18. Good to have you back Rob, I see you were setting someone straight on the evening post website. Enjoyed your article as usual. Massimo cellino has done wonders for our club. It proves that the FL do not have a clue about who is fit to run a football club. I believe that the FL are not fit to run a raffle. MOT

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  19. Shakin Stevens

    Lovely stuff.

    Like

  20. aaaaaaaaaa

    whats a matter you haigh gotta no respect,

    Like

  21. as always a great read,glad your back Rob I now look forward to many months of early morning reading, its a great way to start the day, MOT

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  22. David Dean

    Very witty and humorous, Rob. Can you imagine what would happen if those boffins did try to put us in coffins and take Big Mass to task for being such a naughty boy? Could they still try and impose another bad dream on us at the the Theatre of Real Nightmares later in the year as we press for a play off position? Long live our convicted fraudster, Big Massimoses. MOT and ICWT.

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  23. Eeee Rob,you are a one, keep it up i really look forward to your columns they brighten my day up, hey ho and on with the mundane.

    Like

  24. belfastpete

    Good read made me laugh welcome back

    Like

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