Prof. Dummfahrt in conference with himself, yesterday
It has emerged from FA Headquarters that a growing disquiet over Leeds United’s determination to defend neo-Nazi thug Giuseppe Bellusci is leaving the ruling body “very disappointed”. Professor Hermann Dummfahrt, Head of FA Media Relations, was scathing when asked about Leeds’ intention to resist the unsubstantiated charges. “Nothing’s ever their fault, is it?” he snarled, bitterly. “Well, let me tell you, we at the FA have had quite enough of Leeds and we intend to scupper them good and proper, and by any means necessary.”
Prof. Dummfahrt has also reacted with dismay to news that United owner Massimo Cellino’s “Owners & Directors” suspension will not now kick in until his appeal against the Football League ban has been decided. This should mean that Cellino will, after all, be able to oversee Leeds’ limited transfer options in the January window. “The Football League. Ha!” the FA man spluttered, quite incandescent with rage. “They had one job. One!! And they’ve made a mess of it, a complete balls-up. You’d better believe me when I tell you we’ll be showing the League exactly how to deal with Leeds United”.
When asked what measures could be taken, the Professor was enthusiastic. “We have many options”, he chuckled. “There is this racism thing with Bellusci. The player claims that the everyday Italian word ‘Negare” isn’t foul, racist abuse. Poppycock!! Then again, these unreliable, cheating Eyeties are all the same, it’s in their DNA – notorious liars….ahem.”
Feeling it best to move on from the topic of racism, we asked Dummfahrt what other sanctions might apply. “Well, I hear what you say – but don’t assume that our racism investigations end with Bellusci. Leeds also have a player, believe it or not, called Montenegro! Check out those last two syllables – racist as the ace of spades or what??” Hmmm. OK, yes, if you say so… but – what else do you have?
The Professor scratched his head and observed wryly “We have to be careful about these things. Forewarned is forearmed, you know? But we have shots in our locker, trust me. There’s the Lady Di situation – you’re not telling me Leeds United had nothing to do with that. And that Schweinhund Polish linesman at Wembley in 1966, who put him up to allowing that verdammt third goal, eh? Then there’s the global financial crisis – when the whole world “did a Leeds” and the poor old bankers got the blame. We’re optimistic there. And – nobody ever got nicked for the Jack the Ripper killings, did they? That’s worth a 15 to 30 point deduction on suspicion alone.”
At this point, our Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything correspondent was, to say the least, somewhat gobsmacked. Feeling that the eminent FA man was, perhaps, pulling his chain a little, our reporter asked Professor Dummfahrt if he was not straying somewhat from the path of reason and sanity. “After all, Professor,” our intrepid correspondent ventured, nervously. “A lot of people, listening to all that you’ve just said, might feel that you’re absolutely barking mad, dribblingly deranged and pursuing some insane and unjustified vendetta against a club earnestly trying to sort out its problems – just how would you respond to that?”
The Professor fixed our man with a steely glare and broke into a bout of cracked and maniacal laughter. “Mad?” he raved. “Mad?? Of course I’m bloody mad, you poor, simple soul!! How the hell do you think I qualified for a senior position at the FA in the first place??”
Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything 
Classic,
Merry Christmas Rob.
LikeLike
Merry Christmas, Karl
LikeLike
Happy christmas and all the best for 2015 will u break the 1.5mil hits before the years out ?
LikeLike
I’m 47k short, so I greatly doubt it. Happy Christmas to you & yours – HNY & MOT
LikeLike
Hilarious irony. Merry Christmas Rob.
LikeLike
Merry Christmas to you too Mr W – and HNY/MOT 🙂
LikeLike
Hi Rob, really enjoyed your rantings, sorry ,postings this year although sadly there have not been so many lately. Hope you and yours and all our fantastic supporters have a great Christmas and New Year. Lets defy all the critics and continue to March On Together
LikeLike
Cheers, comrade. Hoping productivity will be UP in the new year – though that’s not good news for everyone! Merry Christmas and a HNY 🙂
LikeLike
A good read as always, Merry Christmas and thanks for articles over the year
LikeLike
Merry Xmas to you and yours, squire.
LikeLike
Cheers Rob. Not a million miles from the truth though is it ?
LikeLike
Possibly half a million 😉
LikeLike
Cheers Rob for a year of great reads. From all of us Down Under that appreciate reading the real truths you deliver. We are all MOT…..
Merry Christmas you mob. Time for a nice drop of red to welcome another year of hope. In Cellino We Trust.
LikeLike
Thanks Dave – all the best for a boiling hot Christmas! Happy new year too – MOT
LikeLike
Excellent article!! My own take is that I’m not totally convinced about Bellusci’s English and equally Jerome’s understanding of Italian!! Merry xmas Rob and all the best for the new year!!
LikeLike
Cheers fella – the best for Xmas & new year to you too. MOT
LikeLike
Nice one Rob!
No-one verbalises our warranted persecution complex better!
Keep up the good work, the ongoing saga that is Leeds United seems all the more bearable when we laugh about it.
Merry Christmas and best wishes for 2015, to you and your family and to Leeds United supporters everywhere.
LikeLike
Thanks man. All the best of the season to you and yours.
LikeLike
Rob,
Thanks for the excellent, and often stomach achingly funny articles over the year. have a great one and look forward to reading more incisive stuff next year. MOT.
Maz.
LikeLike
Many thanks Maz, really kind of you. Have a great Christmas and Happy New Year to you – MOT
LikeLike
Finally proof that FA are biased against Leeds Utd . Something we did nt know !
May the war commence, try bring Leeds Utd down with the pathetic one sided rules, then the FA will have Leeds fans to deal with.
All we want is fairness, the latest racist story has already been decided that guilty is the verdict ,as every other case before the FA. Surely not all have full substance. There again i think most of the board were on the Pendle Hill committee ! Time the FA was run by legal people , not biased fuddy duddies who are out of touch with life.
LikeLike
Couldnt agree more!!
LikeLike
Thanks again Rob for your unique and oh so accurate assessments and comments on all things Leeds throughout 2014.I wish you and the family a cracker of a Christmas and New Year. Cheers!!
LikeLike
Most kind – have a great Xmas yourself – MOT
LikeLike
FA biased against leeds, present FA committee were in charge at Pendle Hill were nt they, how come nearly all racist inquests are guilty? Ranting Prof sums FA up. Dont take on our fans, u will lose badly. MOT Happy Xmas R. A!
LikeLike
Had to post second comment that bit more reader friendly, incase first post chopped! It were nt lol. Merry Xmas All Leeds fans !’ MOT
LikeLike