Too much serious stuff is bad for a blog. So let’s have some good, healthy anti-scum humour:
A Leeds United fan was digging at the bottom of his garden, and he unearths an old green bottle. As it’s very dirty from being in the ground, and because it looks old and possibly valuable, he gets a rag and starts to rub it clean. All of a sudden, there’s a big cloud of smoke from the neck of the bottle, and out pops this great big Genie.
“Greetings!” says the Genie. “As you have summoned me, I must grant you three wishes.”
“Great!” says the Leeds fan. “Can I make my wishes now?”
“You may,” says the Genie, “But be warned: anything you wish for, every Man Utd fan in the world will receive, but twofold. So if you wish for a million pounds, every Man U fan gets 2 million, if you ask for a mansion, they all get two mansions, and so on.”
“Hmmmm,” says the Leeds fan. “Well, that’s a bit of a downer, but what the heck – I’m not petty. If I’m getting three wishes, I don’t care if they all get double.”
“Very well,” says the Genie. “Make your first wish!”
“I wish for £10 million in my bank account.” says the Leeds fan.
“Granted!!” says the Genie. “But remember, that means every Man U fan gets £20 million.”
“That’s OK, good luck to them,” the Leeds fan smiles. “My second wish is for a 25 bedroom mansion in 40 acres of parkland with a lake with an island in it, and all furnished with no regard for expense.”
“Your wish is granted,” says the Genie, “But remember…”
“I know, I know – all the scummers get two mansions, that’s fine!” says the Leeds fan. “Can I make my third and final wish?”
“You may,” says the Genie. “Just remember the ‘Double’ rule.”
“I’ve remembered,” says the Leeds United fan. “For my third wish, I would like to donate a kidney.”
A Leeds-supporting white van driver used to amuse himself by running over every man u fan he would see strutting down the side of the road, dressed in their hideous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, “Where are you going, Father?”
“I’m going to say mass at St. Joseph’s church, about two miles down the road,” replied the priest.
“No problem Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in!”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a man u fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the man.
However, even though he was certain he’d missed the glory-hunting specimen, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father, I almost hit that man u fan, just swerved to miss him!”
“Never fear, my son,” replied the priest. “I got the bugger with the door…”
Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4:45 pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
A man u fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his man u shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter wearing a Leeds United top.
“Hello mate,” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no man u fans in heaven.”
“What?” exclaims the man, astonished.
“You heard, no man u fans.”
“But, but, but….. I’ve been a good man,” replies the aghast man u supporter.
“Oh really,” says St. Peter. “What have you done, then?”
“Well,” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave £10 to the starving children in Africa.”
“Oh,” says St. Peter. “Anything else?”
“Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave £10 to the homeless.”
“Hmmm. Anything else?”
“Yeah. A week before I died I gave another £10 to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God – actually, He lets me call him Don. Anyway, He agrees with me. Here’s your thirty quid back – now bugger off.“
Top tip for Manchester United fans: don’t waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap an inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support…
Please feel free to contribute your own anti-scum jokes in the comments to this article. Times are hard and friends are few – it’s our solemn duty to laugh at the scum.