Tag Archives: Andros Townsend

Could Spurs Flop Andros Townsend Benefit From Another Spell at Leeds United? – by Rob Atkinson

Andros, doing it for the (England) shirt

The boy Andros, doing it for the (England) shirt

Andros Townsend, former loan flop at Leeds and current first-team pariah and occasional sub at Tottenham Hotspur, scored a fine goal for England last night in Italy, bringing him bobbing briefly to the surface of the public consciousness from which he sank out of view some time back. Showing a characteristically warped sense of priorities, one of Townsend’s first moves after he emerged from the England shower/bath/jacuzzi/pampered poodle parlour – was to engage in a bit of social media one-upmanship, tweeting former England star and fellow fickoe Paul Merson to say “Not bad for a player that should be ‘nowhere near the squad’ ay?” Stinging repartee and worldie bantz, we would probably concede.

The thing is, young Mr Townsend really needs to concentrate on establishing himself in a first team somewhere, rather than making occasional cameo appearances in the Three Lions shirt, scoring the odd blinder and then promptly disappearing again. There’s a disagreeable odour about Andros, the oddly pungent stench of “attitude problem”. Talent he surely has in abundance; his approach to establishing himself as an indispensable part of a team is more open to doubt. The talent will serve to get him the odd spectacular goal in an international friendly; it is not on its own enough to make him a vital cog in a league machine. The conclusion we might reluctantly be forced to draw is that Merse – for once in a very long while – might actually have a point.

Perhaps a change of scene might benefit the boy Townsend. He’s been to Elland Road before and failed – would he have the character to try again? Could he bury that treacherous pride, buckle down and try to earn a berth for himself at a lower level, but somewhere subject to notoriously harsh pressures? Townsend wasted his time at Elland Road, seeming a dilettante type of player; one who flatters to deceive and lacks the bottle to cut it when the chips are down. When the going got tough, Andros shipped out, to the less demanding environment of Birmingham City, there to sulk and send petulant tweets to scornful Whites fans.

Then there was a brief golden period at Spurs, some sort of momentary redemption epoch when everything came easy to him – a situation you suspect Andros prefers, to actually having to graft and battle. And then he was suddenly in the England fold, and the sky was, it seemed, the limit. But his star fell as swiftly as it had risen; he has been superseded at Spurs by talents at least equal to his own and attitudes far superior – take a bow, Harry Kane. He’s still somehow in the Three Lions arena, but his hold on that status must be tenuous at best.

Could Townsend actually still cut it at Leeds – where wingers are required for the run-in, players to bring out the best of the youthful talent that is blossoming at Elland Road? Leeds United is, after all, a club of comparatively recent Champion pedigree, something that Spurs have to look back 54 years to recall. So, self-regarding Andros wouldn’t exactly be slumming it – and at the moment, he’d have a fighting chance of actually forcing his way into a developing United team.

It’s an intriguing thought. Well, I think it is. Perhaps I just want to see the lad humiliated again, after his unforgivably casual attitude when he had the chance and that iconic United shirt before. But, from Townsend’s point of view – if he really wanted to shove Paul Merson’s opinion back down his throat – then a stint somewhere like Leeds and a bit of consistency would do a lot more to that end than one sweetly-struck shot against what was a second-string Italian team.

As the Merse himself might say – “Fink abaht it, Andros – fink abaht it.”

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History Made as Klingon Andros Scores for England – by Rob Atkinson

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Andros “Worf” Townsend

History was made at Wembley on Friday night as Tottenham’s Andros Townsend became the first extra-terrestrial to score for England.

Townsend, though reported by some sources to have been born in Leytonstone, actually originated on the Klingon home-world Qo’noS. It is thought that he is the result of a committed relationship in the early nineties between a Klingon warrior who travelled through time and space through a wormhole to Earth, and a timid secretary from Waltham Forest.  The couple made the return journey to Qo’noS so that the young Andros should be able to absorb the culture of his paternal bloodline, but when the lad showed a preference for kicking a ball around instead of engaging in martial drills and studying the history of the Klingon warrior race, the family returned again to Earth and settled in North London where Spurs, attracted by his ability to score headed goals from inside his own half, signed Andros in 2009.

Klingons are known to have had sexual relations with humans, with the “Voyager” character B’Elanna Torres being an example of a Klingon-human hybrid.  However, Townsend is thought to be the first descendant of the male Klingon bloodline to have forced his way into the Tottenham Hotspur first team, though some have questioned whether Nayim was of Romulan descent.

Townsend’s first start for England, capped by his debut goal, has been identified as the dawn of a new era for the game in this country, exceeding in its cultural impact the international breakthrough of Viv Anderson who became the first black player selected by England in the late seventies.  An FA spokesman said “It was indeed an historic moment when Viv made his bow, and a massive step forward which was rightly hailed as such by the press at the time – with the notable exception of the Daily Mail who instead called for closer links with South Africa as practised by the England cricket team.  But tonight’s achievement by Andros – the first acknowledged member of a different species, with due deference to the claims of Wayne Rooney, to actually play for England – well, it opens up whole new worlds of possibilities.  If you’ll forgive the pun.”

The FA are now thought likely to investigate whether there might be other sources of extra-terrestrial talent available to the national team.  Enquiries so far have revealed nothing definite, though there are thought to be possibilities in the north-east.

Two of the other England goals against Montenegro were scored by human beings, Daniel Sturridge and an own goal from Boskovic. Wayne Rooney also got on the scoresheet as England swept aside their opposition by four goals to one.  They now require a victory against Poland next Tuesday to seal qualification for next year’s World Cup Finals in Brazil.  In the wake of Townsend’s feat in scoring the first alien goal for England, the FA have revealed a “good luck” message from the Klingon Empire which reads simply: Qapla’ .