West Ham United in “Too Tedious to Write About” Shock as Leeds Attract Internet Hits – by Rob Atkinson


Hammers Fans Riveted by The Boleyn Experience

Hammers Fans Riveted by The Boleyn Experience

In a startling development that could have far-reaching consequences virtually nowhere, West Ham United Football Club have been described as “Too boring to write about” by no less an authority than Scott Tracey, renowned expert on deep tedium and soporific prose. Mr. Tracey, proprietor of a “fansite” known as “The Game’s Gone Crazy“, has finally broken cover after literally too long masquerading as a serious writer about the East End club.  “I’ve given it up,” he states dolefully, “there’s just no mileage in Hammers stuff any more. Nothing’s really happened down the Boleyn for years, they just bob up and down between the top two divisions, regular as clockwork, like one of them metrodomes or summink.  Yeah, it’s like watching one of them nodding dogs in the backs of cars, innit.  Eventually, you just drop off to sleep.”

Scott is downcast by the bombshell moment of self-revelation – “I’d always fought the ‘Ammers were, y’know, quite interesting.” – but he is not entirely discouraged.  “What I’m going to do is write about other clubs.  I know just as much about them as I do about West Ham – nuffink – but what’s the internet for?  I can usually find something interesting about Leeds, or Spurs, or Leeds, or Sunderland, or Newcastle, or Leeds, Leeds, Leeds….” he trails off, looking confused and stares into space for a moment. “Yeah, I can always do stuff about Leeds….”

The realisation of West Ham’s essential tedium came as quite a shock to Scott, and initially he was defiant.  It was only when he sat down in earnest to write something fresh and interesting about them that he finally had to admit the awful truth to himself. “There I was,” he says, the memory clearly upsetting even now, “Sat there, with all the posters of the Greats looking down on me, sort of, you know, inspirating me, like – Mooro, Hursty, Petersy …….. Brookingy – all of them guys, and I realised they were all gone, all disappeared into the past.  And like us literally types are always saying, the past is a different county, innit.”  He pauses, ponders, takes a sip of Sunny Delight.  “And then I knew that I’d have to spice up my site a bit – write about things that mean a bit to people out there in the real world, and even in the East End too.”  Scott shakes his head, sadly.  “So, that’s what I done.  I’ve writ two bang tidy proper insightly things about Leeds just this past couple of days.  I’ve got this joke, right, where I call their manager Father Brian. It’s well clever, proper satiric, and it winds up them Norverners so that they read my blog and comment and stuff, and I’m minting it with the ads and that.  Cushty.”

It’s a sad tale in its way, and perhaps a fair indicator of the way in which there really are only a limited number of truly newsworthy stories these days, outside of the Premier League top five at least.  Independent authorities tend to confirm Scott’s experience, finding that websites who devote their output to football’s traditionally “controversial” clubs garner many times the number of hits of those who concentrate on less fashionable outfits like West Ham.  Some feel that the identification of the Upton Park club with a respectable but dull individual like Sir Trevor Brooking is asking for trouble in a medium where tedium is tantamount to a slow death.  Efforts have been made to look into the ‘Ammers’ ‘Istory for more charismatic personages, only to draw a blank.

Scott hasn’t given up all hope of being able to return to writing about his alleged favourites as the season goes on.  “It’s looking like another relegation fight,” he admitted, “and they’re always good for stirring up a bit of interest.  And if we do go down – as long as Leeds don’t go up – well, we’d play them again and we’re always a bit more interesting when that happens.  Not that I’m obsessed with Leeds United!” he added, hastily. “Perish the fought, mate.  Perish the bleedin’ fought.”

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61 responses to “West Ham United in “Too Tedious to Write About” Shock as Leeds Attract Internet Hits – by Rob Atkinson

  1. Haha pure quality. Great stuff. 😀

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  2. Long overdue and beautifully written, Mr Atkinson. I was becoming a fan of your musings and scribbles before this latest masterpiece; now I’m your Number One fan. Keep up the good work fella!

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  3. Well said Rob. The guy is a flange.

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  4. Brilliant.
    Can we use this comments capability to ask all fans not to comment on HF’s blog and stop his money rolling in
    MOT

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  5. West Ham United invented football FACT.

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  6. “absolute QUALITY”! that guy is a very irritating ________! Hope he,s heard of karma,because lufc in the next 2 to 3 years are going to be a real force again,the premier league needs the passion that is leeds united!

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  7. You don’t have to slag off West Ham just because of one knob end. Here’s an idea……just ignore him.

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    • It’s more fun my way. I have no problem with West Ham though, they’ll always have a place in my heart for beating the scum in 1992 to help us win the League Title. They did a job on them in ’95, too. But you fight fire with fire – or, as is the case here, a candle with a bloody big flamethrower.

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  8. Nothing like giving HF more attention and hits….I’m sure he is very grateful..

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  9. Outstanding read mate. If I ever see that fools site name on NewsNow I just click to hide. Easy as that 🙂

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  10. cor blimey mate, strike a light. I nearly choked on me jellied eel i laughed so hard innit? proper guvnor post that mate.

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  11. Northern Sold

    West Ham fan here….

    The fella that you are talking about is a complete d1ck and West Ham fans hate him far more than you do. We don’t visit his site and he claims his site counter tells how populat his site is when, in fact, its a click counter. The biggest cheat going.

    We can’t even fathom why he claims to support West Ham. His name is Liam (not Scott), and his permanent address is in Berkshire. Miles from the East End of London.

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    • That’s interesting – thanks! If you look elsewhere on this comments thread, you’ll see that I have no problem with West Ham as such, quite the reverse in fact as you’ve been the scum’s nemesis in the past. Thanks again for responding mate.

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  12. Nice one Rob. What that tool hf and any advertisers fail to realise is that no adverts appear if you visit his site on a mobile phone. I used to regularly wind him up using my name and anonymously to the point where he went apoplectic. He even used to doctor my comments and add his own bits. He sits on his arse at home when w,ham are playing and he’s got the barefaced cheek to not only post a half time report but give player ratings too. The best laugh is when the saddos post comments complaining about the player ratings- “come on hf,that’s not fair! I thought he was worth at least a 6”. You couldn’t make it up. Does anyone know how much he gets for writing shite?

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  13. Best thing I ever did was turn his pitiful blog onto ignore on the NewsNow pages. I don’t see any of his crap anymore. If only the Leeds fans who bite at his every comment realised that he feeds off their responses.

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  14. Oxford White

    Great article, HF is such a tw@t. I never comment on his site and wish others didn’t too. I have to admit though I do read what he publishes. I wish I could stop myself but the some draw to his sh1t. How about this for a solution you republish everything he writes, Leeds fans can read it and comment on it here, we get to laugh and comment on his bull, but he gets no hits, zero, we could shut him down….. Just a thought?

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    • That’s a sexy thought, Oxford. I could call it the “Not Famous Any More” series. I shall toy with that concept a while, something may come of it!

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      • Oxford White

        You could call it HF-Methadone as Methadone is mainly used in the treatment of dependence to life limiting and destructive shit. Those with a dependancy could ‘turn his pitiful blog onto ignore on the NewsNow pages’ as Daz suggested, highlight HF-Methadone and reduce his site to a web wilderness……

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  15. First class knob head , well wirtten ” and outted” rob , I really hope this troll is tracked down and given a good , erm , talking to !!!

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  16. Leeds R Shit

    What a total load of shit! TGGC is far better than this tripe shite site

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  17. Who are you talking about? Who is HF?

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  18. Orient, Leeds, the blunts

    What is it with these lower league sides thinking we give a toss

    Go annoy Rotherham, that’s more your level

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    • I should keep quiet really

      They may do their ‘scary’ wave at me

      Bet your glad Brian “cringetastic” McDermott came out with that to make you even more of a comedy club to everyone else?

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      • The only reason to keep quiet is if you’re embarrassing yourself.

        So, yeah.

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      • You’re right

        I’ve shown myself up replying to this poorly written juvenile article by so no mark fan of an irrelevant team

        I’m ashamed

        Seriously tho, I can just about remb end of revie era, I loved wilkinson’s title side (even tho you only won it cos we beat united for you when already relegated) and I got load of mates from in and around Leeds

        Where all this anger from???

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      • You should deal with your own shame before worrying about others’ anger – can’t help you with that.

        We can address your ignorance though. Read the comments and enlighten yourself.

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      • What mean is I’ve never thought any rivalry between clubs

        Quite the opposite, along with city and Geordies one of few groups of fans where get on (apart from hooligan element of course)

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    • Ahem. I can see you don’t give a toss and that your several irate responses in no way contradict this.

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  19. Compo's Style Guru

    Old HF did make me chuckle on a few occasions when our club was truly in turmoil and there was plenty of ammo. But this year its different, there’s not much to wind us up about and consequently his prose has become tedious, bordering on sycophantic in his obvious secret crush on the mighty whites. More funny, however, was the amount of vitriolic abuse he attracted from the less creative writers in our midst. Isn’t there something in a song about fading and dying?

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  20. He calls himself a Hammer and calls us a yo-yo club. The Prem’ has been going for 21 years and in that time West Ham have been relegated just twice. That’s one really shite yo-yo and he’s a shite fan. Sorry he truly doesn’t represent us.

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  21. so his name is scott or liam?? I would love to bump into that little p**** he needs a good slap

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  22. Newent white

    Pmsl ; )

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  23. This is awesome 🙂 if it makes just a handful Of people click ignore on news now it’s worth it. The fact he spat his dummy out over it makes it priceless.
    Keep up the good work Rob

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  24. Hopefully if enough is written about HF and his so called blog, all of the Leeds fans that visit his site, like I did previously myself, will understand that this detestable vile little man is making money every time our “eyes” view his blogs! Let all Leeds fans blank him and ignore all of his posts instead being baited by him! That way he can move on to another club and start financing his affluent Romanian lifestyle with somebody else.

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  25. Are you and HF dividing the proceeds?

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  26. A large proportion of Leeds fans seem to be morons

    You’re just trying to emulate HF – at least he’s funny
    Clicking your ignore button on Newsnow
    won’t Be Seeing You.

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    • OK then, HF. Sorry your feelings are hurt – honestly thought you had a thicker skin. You know – live by the peashooter, die by the sword and all that. But if you fancy a sulk, that’s your prerogative.

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  27. He incites hatred..causes trouble..abused gary speed..is racist to jews and black people..homophobic..call Leeds a dump and dole scroungers…this man should be reported to both club’s liason officer’s and dealt with by the police and West ham..he is a disgrace to West ham and fans the flames of violence on a daily basis.

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    • Wow – I’d just thought of him as faintly irritating and tedious. Not a clue about that lot. Can you quote examples?

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      • Took him to task loads of times..he alters his blogs…he also wrote about jimmy Saville to incite people…blogger make it hard to report him and his like…it really should be a matter for the clubs and authorities. ..he should be jailed..the hatred he stirs up could cause people to be hurt.

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      • I had a Jimmy Saville comment on this thread, guess that was him then. I know he’s posted comments on here under assumed names so that he can praise himself and say that the Game’s Gone Crazy blog is far better than this one. That he’s a bit of a coward is the least of it then, apparently…

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  28. That’s made my day that. Brilliant

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  29. Just like 2 schoolkids bickering in the schoolyard! Pathetic!

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    • Just what I’ve come to expect from you Mr Burgess – wind from an ape’s backside.

      Tell me, do you see yourself as the sweet voice of reason and the ultimate arbiter of everything? It sometimes seems so.

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  30. HF the Clown

    I don’t bear a grudge with West Ham or any of its supporters over the actions of one goading prick who has the mental capacity of a 12 year old. Most clubs supporters just ignore the clown, and he has latched onto ours because we respond. He has been looking for any clubs fans that will bite and make him money, and unfortunately for us, it it ours. There are a damn sight more crazy situations going on at other clubs like Coventry or Portsmouth for example, but there are no hits to be made from those two, so he comes up with pointless garbage about Father Brian and Arab banks built on sand as though it affects West Ham somehow and we have some sort of rivalry. Stop feeding the clown with your hits and maybe, just maybe, He might latch on to another club like he was supposed to do. How about Millwall? They have one of their ex players has manager, and surely HF can offer his insight into their running of the club. You know, a good bit of interest there with a genuine rivalry. But then again, HF is a coward and only likes cyber hits for cash from a clubs supporters from 200 miles away who he has no affinity with, and not the physical hits in the face on his own doorstep.

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  31. HF has a role here and why not: what should we talk about in the mean time? Boy have a tendency to push the right buttons and if you have a fragile self esteem well you respond to it) as I have done couple of times) . But it is over now and HF is in his own space of blogs what comes to my comments.

    Tare

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  32. Harsh! Dude! 😉 x

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  33. I think the irony here Rob is that I have just read through the longest string of comments I’ve ever seen on one of your blogs and look at the subject matter. Welcome to the world of a HF style blog! This guy realised quickly that Leeds are pure gold to his success as a blogger. His getting under all our skins (your’s as much as anyone’s) has given him a huge ‘fan’ base. You seem to have tapped into it Rob. Possibly deliberately? 🙂
    In any event, you get a complete pass from me for turning the flame thrower on him .

    Like

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