Fulham’s Shahid Khan “Mugged” in Broad Daylight by Shady Italian – by Rob Atkinson


Ross Scot

McCormack – business or mugging?

Concerns are being raised about safety on the streets of south-west London, after the owner of Fulham FC, Shahid Khan, was allegedly mugged in broad daylight yesterday.  The American billionaire, 490th wealthiest person in the world, claimed that he was strolling along minding his own business when suddenly, out of the blue, he was waylaid by a man he identifies only as “Big Mass”, apparently a rival of Khan’s in the world of sport and finance.  Khan alleges that he was taken by surprise as the assailant appeared suddenly in his path, demanding money.  Anxious to avoid any unpleasantness, he gave up the contents of his wallet, some 11 million pounds.

The suspect in the matter, the man known only as Big Mass, was later questioned by police, but denied any wrongdoing.  “Was business deal, my friend” he is said to have claimed, before being released without charge. Mr Khan admits that he was presented with a second-tier footballer for use in his club Fulham’s forthcoming relegation fight, but he maintains that the transaction was more robbery than business.  “£11 million is a lot of money,” he lamented. “Would I really pay that much, willingly, for an ageing forward with only one good season behind him??”

A police spokesman commented: “We can find no evidence of any criminal activity here.  Money changed hands, as did the registration of a professional footballer.  We can see as clearly as anyone that the deal is lopsidedly in favour of the selling party, but that’s not actually illegal – not unless duress can be shown.  On the face of it, Mr Khan has simply been rather naive in paying so far over the odds.  But this appears to have been a case of being made a mug of, rather than an actual mugging.”

Local safety watchdogs were not so sure that things were as innocent as the police appear to accept.  One of their number is Fulham fan and part-time actor Hugh Grant, a man with some experience of the justice system at home and abroad.  Grant felt that there had been foul play, albeit very difficult to prove – and that vulnerable southern-based football club owners would need to be wary in future.  “This Big Mass chap seems to have got away with it big-time here,” Grant said, brushing back a floppy lock of hair from his forehead and smiling wryly. “We’re all going to have to be on the look-out – and we’ll be suggesting that Mr Khan is more careful about carrying large sums of cash.  It’d be embarrassing if he were to lose another 3 or 4 million to this plausible Italian character, only for Fulham to be left with a Paddy Kenny or a David Norris on our hands.”

The footballer central to the matter is philosophical about his newly-reduced status. “Business is business,” said Ross McCormack, 29.  “These deals get done, and I go where the wages are. I’ve already been given a Fulham FC badge to kiss and, while it feels a little strange, I can get used to it.  I can get used to anything if the price is right.”

Asked about his prospects at Craven Cottage, McCormack was bullish.  “I can achieve every bit as much here as I could at Leeds, possibly more.  At Leeds there was a statue of Billy Bremner outside the ground.  I was never going to get an honour like that, not there.  But here, the local hero is a player I’ve never heard of – so look out Michael Jackson, Rossco’s aiming to have his statue up there beside you before too long!”

Shahid Khan has more money than sense.

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54 responses to “Fulham’s Shahid Khan “Mugged” in Broad Daylight by Shady Italian – by Rob Atkinson

  1. David Dean

    Very good but Wacko is no longer there.

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  2. AllWhiteNow

    Big Mass. Priceless. He won’t be known by any other name in my household….! 🙂
    Our Owner has many years of negotiating experience in Italy where forked-tongues and Janus-faces are a given and a starting point to inevitably slip the knife in. Bravo! He will prosper in the football league!!
    MOT

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  3. GREAT , MADE ME LAUGH !!!!

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  4. Please keep up to date. Michael has gone but we still have one of the greatest player ever, Johnny Haynes.

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    • Humble apologies. You must understand that the comings and goings of statues outside obscure sarf-west Lahndan grounds are not minutely reported in our local press.

      Incidentally, if you paid £11m for our Ross, late of this parish – roughly how much would Haynes be worth today??

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      • I don’t think they talk like that round fulham way rob. When I’ve been down there its quite posh. the anti-millwall so to speak.

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  5. For the first time in a long time i nodded my head and said “that’ll do me” after one of our deals was announced on the radio ,..

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    • Makes a refreshing change, doesn’t it Mr O?

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      • mr orange

        It certainly does rob , i think a lot of people will have sat up and taken notice of this , massimo cellino , welcome to Elland Road Sir , now go out and buy us 3 ross McCormac’s with the profit !!

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  6. kev the dammed w

    A very good rare day for the club £11mill in +two quality players in,cant be bad.

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  7. Pretty good article! Cellino is looking like a business genius.
    Also a good read…
    http://leedsallover.com/superstition-or-business-intelligence-thorp-arch-and-the-academy/

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  8. Nice one Rob as always, can’t believe we got £11 mill for RMc Bates would have sold for £5 mill and put it in his back pocket. I wonder how much MC could get for Paddy Kenny n that big pile of sand at Elland Road LOL

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  9. Mark Macdonald

    Brilliant !!!!!

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  10. Matt Lufc Rbinson

    Fools and their money are easily parted

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  11. White Angle

    A good good view Rob, your a funny guy…..nice.
    But was Mr Khan really robbed (no pun mate eh eh)?more likely the Greek gods will summon there own Kostas Mitroglou back to the Olympians ………………A god who promised little in foreign lands………I reckon at a break even resale,and his wages saved on no productivity and replaced by William ‘Ross’ Wallace, with goals guaranteed at a cheaper cost, wages included!
    I reckon Mr Khan has pocketed 2M?! Maybe the robber got mugged?
    Anyway everyone’s a winner

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    • Now if we could find another million quid we could buy someone like Daniel sturridge. (liverpool paid 12 for him)

      all this goes to show is how ridiculous those tv payments were last season, the 3 relegated clubs are loaded compared to the rest, premiership and the yoyo teams will be a closed shop before long. (although we should get way more tv money, we are THE team outside the premiership for televised matches, hence every other bloody game getting rearranged for sky)

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    • Them cockneys ain’t that daft !!!!!we just paid effectively 2 mill for a player who averages 1goal every 2.5 games !!! Presume you have a replacement that can do likewise?????

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  12. looks like he did go to any old club after all then Rob? We couldn’t have afforded him at that price any way. Got a hell of a good price on him- will he invest it in the team? If he does at least he’s showing a bit of ambition- time will tell. NUFC.

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    • You’re not STILL upset by that “any old club” thing are you, marra?? 😉

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      • Bitter? Me? True bloody right and whilst i’m on my high horse call me anything but Marra!! You may have me thinking you’re a closet makem using words like that young man!! Back to the Macormack deal- as has already been pointed out on here- you still have to find quality replacement(s), not an easy task in todays market as Newcastle can testify to. Buying cheap- selling expensive does have its pitfalls. NUFC

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      • Heh, heh, heh 🙂

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  13. Jealousy is a wonderful thing. We bought your only good player and, as a result, you will be heading to League whilst we go back to the Premier League. Perhaps you could use the transfer money to get a manager someone has heard of or maybe buy your ground back.

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  14. Dear Mr khan,

    I have available a quality up and coming young striker named Noel Hunt. Following our amicable business arrangements while selling you Ross mccormack , I would like to offer you first refusal for this highly motivated and talented player. Yours for a bargain 4 million pounds.

    Your trusted friend,

    Massimo

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  15. Great read Rob. So mccormack who said he would only leave to a premiership club go’s to little old Fulham. Can’t believe we got 11 million. Now that is great business for a player who yes last season kept us in the league but has only had one good season while at Leeds. Has for his loyalty I don’t think he has any . In retrospect he stayed to put himself in shop window and has for him stating he fell out of love with Leeds United how nieve does he think the fans are. He’s gone for more money otherwise why fulham ? Another championship side ! who he said he wouldn’t go to . He wanted to lead the side out at elland road to celebrate promotion . Bollocks . It was for the money and you can’t blame anyone for that , it’s a short career but don’t treat the fans as mugs Ross have the decency to tell the truth. How long before he’s kissing the fulham badge. Enjoy playing in front of 15000 . Well done Mr Cellino now build a team for us to be proud of . Lets get behind the team and new Coach and show Mccormack what he’s leaving . M.O.T

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    • Fulham are one of the sides more likely to go up though.

      Lots of wedge with 60 million plus from tv last year, plus parachute payment to come. Less mental owner than cardiff. I’m expecting norwich and fulham to bounce straight back, despite being very small and smallish clubs respectively, that’s not what counts anymore, its all about being on board the Murdoch money train with premiership tv deals. It sucks really as I’m betting more people would watch say Leeds vs forest on the gogglebox than burnley vs swansea

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      • This has been said about a few clubs in recent years, though. Blackburn, Birmingham, Wolves. Wolves went down! You just never know.

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      • Yeah but in the case of Birmingham, blackburn and also blackpool decidedly dodgy / lunatic / money grabbing owners

        which is why I don’t see cardiff bouncing straight back.

        also the tv money was way more last season, perennial also rans and mud table journeymen Manchester united got their highest ever tv money finishing in 7th place

        take your point with wolves though.

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  16. to the fulham fan , show us your trophies your euafa cup final appearances your european final appearances your league winners medals fa cups league cups , your a nothing club, never won owt never will, my hope is leeds invest this lot into 4 / 5 decent players a striker a winger des, i was a robbery if its invested prop, it prob wont be ! i dpoubt mcormack will repeat the season he had again, but we still need 4 or 5 quality players in and young swan signed back up as next year him and mcquid will be the talismans of the team, johnny haynes was good yeah id give him the job of polishing john charles s boots !

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  17. Good Luck Ross, the madness of money in football never fails to surprise me. It was always about money with you, when did you sign a new contract with us and for how long?
    I guess everybody wins here, we’ve got a stupid price for one good year on the pitch, and no doubt you’ve just increased your wages massively again. Marching on Together is something you’ll never understand so don’t give me that falling out of love bullshit. The only thing you ever loved was your pocket.

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  18. Michel Dyson

    Good business IF we buy some decent players with it. Cellino has hardly splashed the cash yet eh? Maybe money not of his pocket he will. I fail to see where the goals are gonna come from now.

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    • Well I reckon smith can get more next year, maybe not as many as ross, but… will probably have a better midfield supplying the ammo. Dont forget was his first season at this level, and he wasn’t playing every match but still got a respectable 15 goals. We are probably going to get some Itallian strikers In too, but It could take a while for them to addapt to the pace, championship is faster than serie a nevermind serie b. I agree with the owner looking abroad as British players are so massively overpriced, just like them to widen the net to look at players from the french and german leagues which would need less time to adapt

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    • Hes spent 1.5 to 2 mil today. If the other 4 strongly linked players – swiss centre half, Cameroon centre half, couple more Itallians come In that will push towards 10 mil mark. But according to cellino, these were buys he was making anyway, before he knew ross was going and the ross money is going towards a second striker. (certainly the keeper was anyway)

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  19. It’s a good attempt at a witty article, but lacking in fact. If you believe the press that fulham paid 11m for him upfront, then you are deluded. If fulham do end up paying 11m it will be only through performance related add-ons. One of which most likely is promotion, as well as appearances + goals. So if we do end up paying 11m then that would probably mean we’d have been promoted, and that would make him a bargain, so.. Who’s the mug?

    Like

  20. Kevin Wilson

    Another highly amusing and spot on article Rob. I nearly choked on me corn flakes when I heard ‘Big Mass’ was asking for £8 million, how the …flip did he manage £11? That should see us through till Christmas!

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  21. Big Mass is a wheeler dealer that knows the value of a buck, lira or a quid. He is smart as a whip. Rossco was a one-trick pony and will never again score as many goals as last season. My buddy is a Millwall supporter and getting ready for their Cup Final for the first game of the season then their next game is Fulham. For this game only I hope Fulham stuffs Millwall and Ross gets a hat trick. Brazil 1 – Germany 7 – who saw that coming?

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  22. MickeyAdamsFamily

    Vaguely entertaining reading, if you like a pile of old codswollop.
    You really are a gullible mug if you actually believe that Fulham paid 11 million pounds cash up front for Ross. That’s just Massimino’s PR spin to try and get you lot to accept that he got a good return on the sale of Leed’s one and only good player. Actually, there’s an interesting (and revelatory) stat about the relative value of Ross McCormack to Leeds United. He was involved in 61% of his team’s total league goals (combination of goals scored plus assists), by far the highest percentage in the Championship. The next closest player was Barnsley’s Chris O’Grady, who was involved in 43.2% of his team’s goals. For comparison, Danny Ings was 5th, with 34%.
    You’ll note that Fulham have assiduously stuck with their policy of “undisclosed fees”; they’ll let any self-serving or desperate chairman (sound familiar?) claim all sorts of inflated and fabricated amounts, while keeping the actual figures far from the public. Go on, believe the ludicrous hype dished up by your dodgy owner, if it’ll help you sleep at night.
    The numbers I’ve heard through reliable back channels are: 5-6 million up front, with the potential of rising as high as 10.5 mil if all the incentives are met (Fulham gains promotion, Ross scores 20+ league goals). Sometimes the truth hurts. Who robbed who, Rob? Leeds were in a bind, as McCormack wanted out, and now Minnimo is trying to big himself up like he got a great deal, and, amazingly, you seem to be lapping up his prevarications.

    Enjoy the drop….

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    • Ladeezangennelmen – that was a Fulham fan trying to kid on he’s not bovvered about his club being mugged by Big Mass. Reliable back channels, eh? How believable does THAT sound? There’s no fool like a supposedly ITK fool…

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  23. David Dean

    Your very humorous article has sparked an interesting frenzy of comments. I am really sorry to see Mac go even though 11 million is a ludicrous amount for him – it is probably 7 million with 4 million when Fulham win the European Cup! I believe Big Mass when he said didn’t want to sell him, even for 10 million, unless it was to the Premier. Ross got pissed off and Mass got upset with him and wanted him sold then for the highest price. As for relegation last season without Mac, that is total nonsense. That would have happened if we played without Ross with only 10 men. Of course we were the shittiest team Big Mass had ever seen but there must have been things going on that we don’t know about that effected BMc and the team spirit and maybe Ross contributed negatively to the crisis – who knows? Anyway exciting times ahead and Big Mass is the reason I have a season ticket again for the first time since O’Leary was kicked out.
    Enjoying your articles very much. I especially liked the celebruty scummers – that was funny! Well done, keep up the good work and the readership will grow and thank you for the entertainment.

    Like

  24. Bloody hilarious Rob . We do get some jealous knob heads on here at times makes for good reading though .

    Like

  25. Pingback: Sky TV’s Jeremy Langdon “In Therapy” After Leeds Thrash Wasteful Fulham – by Rob Atkinson | Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything

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