Mail Exclusive: “LUFC Owner Cellino is Clone of Saddam” – by Rob Atkinson

In a story that will rock the football world for its breathtaking lack of any supporting material, the Daily Heil can reveal that Massimo Cellino, previously supposed to be an Italian corn billionaire, is in fact a genetic mutation of executed tyrant Saddam Hussain. It is further thought – although this publication has seen no actual evidence – that the purchase of Leeds United in 2012 was funded entirely through secret funds generated by the proceeds of the sale of Weapons of Mass Destruction, transported clandestinely aboard Cellino’s evil yacht, Nélie.

Whilst the Heil is unable to prove any of these cast-iron facts, we are quite happy to go into print with them. We strongly believe that slurs and smears against Leeds United – fabricated and groundless though they may be – are firmly in the realm of public interest journalism, as per the best tradition of our current proprietors and their card-carrying Nazi forerunners.

Now it is firmly established, beyond any reasonable figment of our sports editor’s imagination, that Leeds as a club is owned by the living clone of Saddam and funded by the proceeds of his evil if non-existent WMD, we at the Heil are calling upon the gentlemen of the Football League to act – and to act now. Leeds United has for too long been a stain on our national game – although this publication has seen no evidence of this. Nevertheless, the continued existence of Leeds reflects badly on the Football League and its venerable administrators and officials, money-launderers, jailed tycoons and convicted rapists.

Your super, soaraway Heil will not rest until the Son of Saddam and his vile crew have been dispatched to the nethermost pit of Hell where they most assuredly belong – although this publication has seen no evidence of this.

Paul Dacre is the holder of the Iron Cross.

22 responses to “Mail Exclusive: “LUFC Owner Cellino is Clone of Saddam” – by Rob Atkinson

  1. Brilliant satire Rob. I was smiling constantly as I read your article, spot on !


  2. Derek Mathieson

    Had only just read the original article in the Daily Fascist about Leeds and the Ayatollah.As ever Rob well written and satire is spot on.Makes me laugh as Mail was a big supporter of Hitler in the 30s


  3. Hi Rob, The Mail continues to promote itself as the thicker of the two thicky twins. Top notch interpretation by the way – dragged my attention away from boring admin emails.


  4. Its not like are state run media to let the truth get in the way of a story maybe we should rebrand are club in a more satanic way to win favour with the media and the fl still waiting to see if are pedo mps find there pedo file failing that maybe have another multi million pound enquiry about a enquiry which ends up at a dead end the SHOW must go on


  5. They definately have a vendetta against Leeds and it sickens me….. Honest question , is there anything we can do about it other than not buy their paper ???
    I guess we shouldn’t be clicking on their website either…


  6. Harvey has more questions to answer, he was the CEO at the time the pot-less Arabs bought the club.


  7. Ropey Wyla

    How about having Daily Fail loo paper?


  8. Brendan Loftus

    Great article Rob but what I really can’t under stand is why anyoone would name a yacht Nellie .


  9. For a moment there, (having now read the original Heil online piece,) I thought yours was the exclusive story, and theirs was the satirical response!Although, of course, I’ve seen no evidence to verify the truth or otherwise of my comment.


  10. Mark benson

    This is only the tip of the iceberg really. Conspiracy theorists should be having a field day at Elland Road.
    1. Don revie left England to go to the U.A.E. obviously to set up this money laundering scheme. Then issues get cloudy…..
    2. Peter Lori mer plays in Israel. Why then are the letters PLO found in his name?
    3. Why are the letters IS found in leeds united?
    4. Adyran is a brazillian. D is the initial of the German word for Germany which leaves ayran. Boys from Brazil?
    5.the same player tweets he is lost in leeds an obviously coded message for detailed maps of the area.
    6. There is a statue of a s cots man outside Elland Road. Is this a beacon for Scottish nationalists to destabilise the union?
    7. Italian businessmen based in the south of the United States allegedly assassinated president Kennedy. Cellino is an Italian based in florid a. Coincidence?
    8. Leeds fans sing about a yorkshire republican army. As they linked to other republican armies?
    9. The new manager hails from eastern Europe. Is he a soldier of Fortune?
    10. His last post was in Austria. Is he connected to harry lime and the counterfeit pharmaceuticals industry as exposed in the documentary the third man?
    Expect an influx of conspiracy theorists in leeds soon. Should the old peacock take on extra staff?
    The evidence is out there!


  11. Rob, please don`t suffer so, a crap newspaper, with crap journalists who write crap which is sent to print by a crap editor. which is then read by idiots who believe such crap. Not fit for Chips. Thanks for the laugh though!


  12. Kevin McGarrigle

    and to top it all the Leeds United player handing over his sweat drenched shirt to the poor invalid in the chair, how disgusting was that, does the man have no shame


  13. I have a friend who I see at Tadcaster albion , his son is deputy sports editor at the daiy mail. He is a life long Leeds fan. I personally do not like the mail so I never read it . It would be interesting to read what is said about leeds and then talk to Steve about his sons dealings with any articles written. Interesting!!!!! MOT


  14. Next weeks daily heil headlines…

    Nellie used to smuggle in gypsy asylum seekers

    Wearing white causes cancer

    House prices plummet in LS11

    New Leeds manager is secret son of marshal tito


  15. Good to see you’re back in great form, Rob.


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