Daily Archives: 07/10/2014

Former Leeds Hero Kisnorbo Showing Ominous Signs of Heat Stroke – by Rob Atkinson

Paddy showing early signs of brain fatigue

Paddy showing early signs of brain fatigue

For the second time in a few days, this blog finds itself having to speculate on matters medical. Just recently, I was expressing concerns over Giuseppe Bellusci’s endangered coccyx as a result of his habit of making vertical landings on his tailbone after scoring for Leeds. Now, there is worrying evidence that former skipper Paddy Kisnorbo, currently plying his trade in the sun-drenched environment of his native Australia, may be suffering the effects of chronic heat exhaustion, a condition that can cause confusion, among other undesirable symptoms.

The root cause of this concern can be traced to Kissa’s bizarre recent statement that Ken Bates’ stewardship at the club was A Good Thing for all concerned and that, should the Evil Papa Smurf return to his former role as club despot, many would actually welcome him back. So ridiculous are these opinions – really, Paddy would have made more sense had he sat on a pork pie for a week saying “wibble” – that many are very worried about his state of mind, speculating that the intense heat in Melbourne may have actually melted his brain. Paddy’s cranium and its contents have been a cause for concern in the past, as witness a spectacular head injury whilst at Leeds and his long term use of a bonce bandage thereafter.

Kisnorbo was a genuine hero at Leeds, with the image of the bloodied warrior at the forefront of his fearsome reputation, endearing him to Leeds fans who famously appreciate those willing to shed blood for the cause. Only now is it becoming apparent that the damage may have been more serious than first thought. The long-term effects of a significant concussion, allied to later exposure to heat over a long period of time, can give rise to confusion as previously stated – and even to hallucinations; seeing or hearing things that aren’t true. This is the only feasible explanation for Paddy’s apparent conviction that Bates was anything other than a malign influence at Leeds and somebody who would be chased away by an angry mob, should he ever again darken the doorstep of Elland Road.

Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything wishes Paddy Kisnorbo a full recovery from what seems to be his currently troubled state of health – and we hope and trust that he will be seeing things more clearly again in the very near future.  

Leeds Legend Alfi Haaland Trolls Beardy Coward Keane – by Rob Atkinson

Roy                        -                         Saddam

Roy <—————————————————> Saddam

Nineties Leeds cult hero Alf-Inge Haaland has reignited the decades-long feud between himself and former Man U bully-boy Roy Keane, with a mischievous tweet (above) comparing Royston to the late Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. Alf tweeted the provocative image, along with the message “can’t take a man seriously when he’s got a beard like….” Keane had earlier revisited the issue of his cowardly attack on Haaland during a Manchester derby, confusingly claiming that he never meant to injure Haaland, but had meant to hurt him. Eh?

Perhaps this self-contradiction is an insight into what goes on inside Keane’s head, which seems muddled and somewhat paranoid at the best of times. The media, as we know, are determined to portray the former Pride of Devon midfielder as the ultimate hardman, never missing an opportunity to speak in hushed tones of awe about his trademark glower and supposed talent for fisticuffs. The rest of us know, of course, that Keane’s scowl masks a coward, someone who will exact his revenge after an extended period of sulky brooding, but not face to face, preferring the over the ball tackle, as with Haaland, or sneaking up from behind to plant a crafty elbow in an opponent’s face, as he did with the not-exactly-scary Jason McAteer.

One can only wonder at Keane’s motivation for growing such a horrible dead badger of a beard – was it to reinforce his own persistent delusion that he’s somehow impressive and the type to strike terror into brave men’s hearts? Or could it have been, perhaps, to deflect the unwelcome attentions of ITV anchor Adrian Chiles, whose breathless admiration for Roy always appears to be about to cross that blurred line into unrequited love? That is one unilateral bromance which makes for particularly queasy viewing.

In his latest self-justifying whinge, Keane mentions a short list of people who were always on his mind as targets to hit “if I got the chance” – Batty, Shearer and Vieira among them. The phrase “In your dreams, Royston” springs readily to mind. And, significantly, there’s a whole world of sneaky cowardice about just those last five words, “if I got the chance“. This is not the attitude of an up and at ’em loveable nutcase like Vinnie Jones, or anyone of several of the Revie boys who weren’t shy about landing a good old-fashioned left-hook when the occasion demanded (Johnny Giles, come on down…) Keane’s modus operandi was to bide his time, wait until he could strike – and then move away, probably towards the dressing room and safety, after a rare Man U red card.

The origins of Keane’s spat with Haaland are illuminating in themselves. Keane had been pursuing a Leeds opponent at Elland Road, intent on fouling him (characteristically from behind) – and had mistimed it horribly, over-stretching and rupturing a cruciate ligament, as karma paid him a brief and devastating visit. Haaland, reasonably assuming the Man U player was faking injury to avoid a caution, was bent over the fallen Keane to communicate this point of view. Keane never forgot or forgave – despite the fact that he was the author of his own misfortune – and waited, as a coward will, for the safest opportunity to get some payback.

It’s instructive also to recall that Keane could be termed a traitor to his country, allowing his own small concerns to spark an attack of paranoia and cause him to flounce out of the Irish squad for the Japanese World Cup. Again, Roy being Roy, he could see no possible grounds for any criticism of his own actions. An immeasurably greater midfielder than Keane, Billy Bremner, used to hold as a maxim “Side Before Self, Every Time”. This kind of team spirit is not to be found in Keane’s lexicon; his mindset is best illustrated by reversing Billy’s motto. For Roy, Roy matters before all else and Roy is always right. It’s a shame he’s usually surrounded by brainless sycophants who encourage him in this sad delusion.

At the end of the day, all Leeds fans and many other less fortunate football lovers will see clearly that Haaland has emerged from this whole saga with infinitely more credit than the ridiculous Keane. The humour at the core of his “Beard” tweet is a concept alien to poor old Roy, who really does take himself far too seriously. In retrospect, he’d have been better off remaining under the guidance of Brian Clough, who was the type of boss to batter such petulant nonsense out of a young and bumptious footballer. The Theatre of Hollow Myths, with its track record of promoting and nurturing the kind of empty-headed arrogance typified by Keane, Rooney, Cantona and too many others, was the very last place to bring out the best in the volatile but less-than-tough Irishman.

It’s a tragedy in its way. Much as is the case – and thanks, Alf, for pointing this out so wittily – with that bloody awful beard…