Football League to Dish the Dirt on “Impatient” Russell Crowe   –   by Rob Atkinson

Russell Crowe - bloodless coup?

Russell Crowe – bloodless coup?

The Football League‘s clandestine “Stop Leeds United Getting Serious Investment” Task Force was swinging into action yet again yesterday amid some alarm at FLHQ that Hollywood A-lister Russell Crowe might possibly be contemplating getting financially involved in the club he has long supported. A League spokesman confirmed “Our special anti Leeds United people are looking into this. And there will doubtless be something we can – ahem – stone the Crowe with, never fear! (chortle)”

As a first step, the League have consulted the Forbes “Rich List” and it is understood that they were perturbed by what was revealed about the actor’s heavy-duty financial clout. A senior figure in the FL structure –  who refused to be named, but admitted that his initials were Shaun Harvey – also expressed “concern” that Crowe is already involved in part-ownership with a highly successful Australian Rugby League club, showing no signs of leading them into administration. The League are understood to be taking the threat of good news for Leeds extremely seriously.

Russell Crowe is playing his cards close to his chest – having previously asked his near 1.7 million Twitter followers if purchasing a stake in Leeds would be “a good idea”, he now says he is “impatient” to see Leeds achieving success. He has also been in tweeting dialogue with a Leeds fan group, discussing ways and means. The League position on consultation with fans is unequivocally clear. “We don’t like it,” stated our incognito contact, “Once you start involving riff-raff like fans, you’re on the slippery slope to some sort of new-age, new-fangled, hippy, pinko liberal “democracy” thing. We really don’t go for that at all. Give us a good old-fashioned familiar, honest, fit and proper rapist or money-launderer – they’re the sort of people that we really can do business with. You know where you are with them.”

United’s currently suspended owner Massimo Cellino, meanwhile, has confirmed that he does not intend “immediately” to return as Leeds President when his disqualification lapses. Instead, he will pursue remedial avenues of his own, as an individual, with no formal connection to Leeds United AFC. “Is better this way,” the Italian insisted. “Now, when horse’s head found in bed with a one-a these guys scare half to death, like-a that brutto figlio di puttana bastardo, Signor Shaun, no need to worry about sanction for club. I will take care of business in my own special way, my friend.”

Russell Crowe himself had nothing specific to say about any potential League investigation, but confirmed through a spokesman that he would give the signal to “unleash hell”, should circumstances indicate that such a course of action is necessary. The veteran actor dropped a further hint as to his likely attitude, cryptically proclaiming: “My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next. We are Leeds.”

The officials of the Board of the Football League, both individually and collectively, are understood to be “cacking themselves” after seeing the Cellino and Crowe quotes. A senior figure has sent out for clean underwear three times today alone, and evidence has been shown to us of a bulk order of “Nicky” quilted toilet roll as well as some Far-Eastern “herbal relaxation infusions”. It appears that the investigation into Mr. Crowe will proceed – but preparations are also well advanced for a sudden retreat, if and when necessary. “If hell is unleashed, we shall all be leaving the country the same day,” our source confirmed, pale of face and wringing palsied hands. “This really is becoming a bit too dodgy, even for seasoned duckers and divers such as us. Whether we’re dealing with Crowe or Cellino, or even waking one fine morning with some severed item of equine anatomy, it’s a distinctly worrying picture. A mad Italian and an erstwhile Hollywood hell-unleasher. Jesus. Those are two seriously intimidating mothers, though – aren’t they?? Criminy.”

Shaun Harvey, 94, is incontinently scared. 


34 responses to “Football League to Dish the Dirt on “Impatient” Russell Crowe   –   by Rob Atkinson

  1. whiteshotgun

    Rob, best yet, especially last line cracked me up, hope we unleash hell on Saturday strength and honour, as people should know when they are conquered…………… after all what we do in life echoes in ( the halls of Elland rd) eternity ………..Gladiators I salute you. Imagine the marketing if he did get involved, magical ….. if youre trying to build for the future, build its foundation strong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MOT are we still on the merry go round, oh to be a Leeds fan never a dull moment. you couldn’t make it up WE ARE AN EPIC.


    • Many thanks – and I think you’re spot on about the secondary effect of Crowe buying in, apart from any primary financial boost. Profile and marketing wise, it would be HUGE – probably worth considering mainly from that standpoint, as it’s unlikely Big Russ is minted enough on his own.


      • That’s true, but his equal partner in South Sydney is the VERY minted James Packer, so no problem if serious money was ever required.


      • LLP has 5 millionaires already signed up or involved, Maximus wont be alone, other Leeds fans are ready to step in the breech

        I loved Crowes films, especially Master and Commander, now after finding out hes a leeds fan, he simply walks on water as far as im concerned…..:o)


  2. Rob

    Surely there’s no basis to support a league vendetta against us?
    What have the league ever done to us?
    Since the days of Hardaker they have only had our best interests at heart, and to protect us against ourselves. They know best after all.

    They’ve always helped with fixture congestion at critical times – The European Cup and the possibility of doing the double spring to mind.
    They’ve gone out of their way to ensure stability at the club, through ownership issues, and they were ever so helpful when we came out of administration.

    I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself before attacking such an institution. Shame on you!!


    • You’re right, of course. I’m being very unfair to a fine body of men.

      I did take a long hard look at myself once, and it fair put me off my vittles, so I’ll take a rain check there if that’s ok and maybe just do a penance instead, like making a small contribution to Shaun’s pension fund?

      Either way, I am deeply ashamed. You can rest assured it won’t happen again until tomorrow at the very soonest.


  3. The imagination just runs wild with this scenario. Elland Road to be renamed the Coliseum. Leeds enter the arena to the Gladiator fan fare and salute “we who would die for this club salute you” The crowd baying for a fight to the end and the ref constantly facing a garage of thumbs up or down. Seriously, let’s not go down another never ending road of speculation and unrest, I think we have had enough. Its what happens on the pitch that I worry about.


  4. Love this line

    “i will have my vengeance, in this life or the next. We are Leeds.”


  5. Mac the White

    Rob, he’ll never pass the fit and proper persons test. He slaughtered a load of Germans and a Roman emperor for Christ’s sake.


    • I think you’ll find that, in accordance with “the Oyston Protocol”, crimes of violence and offences against the person are deemed fit and proper. Basically, as long as he doesn’t have any yachts for the League suits to be jealous of, he should be fine 👍



    Hmmm. I think Mr Crowe would be good for us with his profile on the board of directors. He’s made a hell of a difference to his rugby club. I can’t see anything coming of this though. I just hope Timmy Mallet doesn’t fancy a go, coz that would probably happen knowing our luck.


  7. Beware the ides of march are upon us soon Rob with talk of great unrest in the senate building in Preston Town there are rumours going around there are headless chickens in charge .


  8. Mac the White

    Off topic I know but I do hope that a certain gentleman with the initials SH is not on the list of tax evaders in that HSBC scandal. That would be gorgeous irony.
    Just hoping you know.


  9. The politics, nepotism, rampant egos and bitchiness of Hollywood should be good training for dealing with the football league. Almost.


  10. RoystonLUFC

    Fevered speculation is fun while it lasts but it looks like we’ll not be going down The Crow Road after all, although the publicity can’t have done us any harm. He never had the clout to oust MC in any case, but squeezing out those nice people from GFH (Go F**k H’off) would have been a seriously welcome move.

    So it looks like our gladiator allegory will remain at beating The Lions – twice. Not a bad thing but not quite thunder and glory. Not sure if gladiator history reveals any great battles with hornets but I’m sure an erudite fan like yourself, Rob, would be aware of such an encounter, maybe it can give us a pointer as to how Saturday will unfold. Well let’s face it, it couldn’t be any less accurate than the ramblings that Nostra geezer.


    • I think its a bit soon to write off any involvement from Crowe, everytime hes been interviewed hes refused to deny that he wouldn’t get involved. I wouldn’t expect him to come in on his own but a fan led consortium along with LLP with Crowe at its head would always be feasible should the opportunity arise. Crow is also in his own way effectively saying to Cellino…..make your mind up


  11. You beat me to it ROYSTON, wouldn’t it be absolutely fantastic if Mr Crowe bought out GFH, maybe then we would be assured that Mr. Bates didn’t still somehow own a piece of our great club.
    AND don’t forget that he only part owns South Sidney, he has other investors on board as well. Could he make a dream team with Cellino?? That might be interesting. Or even buy the Italian out??
    Honestly though, I’d settle for getting rid of the Arabs.
    Keep it up Rob, bloody brilliantly funny read.


  12. Ropey Wyla

    Rob, you sir are the stepping razor of the Leeds United blogosphere, I commend your penmanship.


  13. Made me laugh – good man! I’d also love it if the Kiwi Gladiator unleashed hell on the leathery arse of a certain Subway dweller too, in both this life and for eternity….


  14. He was good in ‘A Beautiful mind’. I’m no film buff, but that was quality acting. Glad to say I liked this bloke before I knew he was a Leeds fan. Oddly I started liking Jeremy Paxman after I discovered he was a Leeds fan. By the same token, I wonder if the Football League suddenly start hating people who are involved with Leeds United?
    I once read that Ken Hom the Chinese Chef was a Leeds fan, turns out, with a bit of research that he’s a Scummer. Anyway he cooks cats and squirrels and he smells.


  15. Russell keeps coming back to gnaw away at the Leeds bone doesn’t he? I thought after the first “good idea?” tweet that it would all fade away after a while, but then he came out with some philosphy about how the club should be run, and now he’s on about impatience and MOT.
    Let’s face it with all the bans and legal bullshine facing Massimo well into the foreseeable future, he might just be tired of it enough to be susceptible to a buyout.
    Everyone has his price.


  16. Shaun Harvey should be kicked out of football for good, and why does that arsehole Bates keep sticking his oar in? He hated Leeds before he bought them for a pittance, he waited and waited hardly investing in quality players that would have seen us promoted, the Arsbs came in and he n
    Made a huge profit, but this club has shot itself in the foot on a few occasions, Brian Clough as manager for no 1, Adamson for no 2, who were well known Leeds haters, Venables who needed some ready money, we are out odf debt now and have the best squad of young players since Revie, MOT, not long before we will be in the premiership.


  17. Im hoping that Cellino and Crowe team up as joint owners. That would put the fear of god into our friends at the FL ,Should that happen I will put your name forward for a seat on the board so you can use your wisdom to help them and to act as a mediator in the running of the club.


  18. Great article as usual, your blog is seriously one of the highlights of being a Leeds fan. It’s a compliment to you but also a sad reflection on our status in past years.
    The idea of having Russell Gladiator Crowe on the board is exciting if true, but I think Massimo Maximouth might have something to say about it; yet something tells me such an unholy partnership would be really interesting.
    I do worry however with the very latest rumours that Joaquin Phoenix has been hired to play Emperor Shaun in real life. Surely a side stab is once again on the cards. Heroically falling in combat after being nobbled by cheating swine seems exactly the type of plot we live in the real life Leeds drama.


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