Cellino to Sack Leeds Groundsman for “Turning Pitch Against Him”   –   by Rob Atkinson

LUFC Groundsman – “weak and babyish”

There was yet another bizarre turn of events at Elland Road yesterday, as “one chip short of a butty” owner Massimo Cellino confirmed that he is on the verge of replacing the Leeds United head groundsman. In a prepared tantrum, Mr. Cellino gave a bravura five minute rant to assembled pressmen, criticising the way the stadium was being managed. 

The groundsman in question was maintaining a dignified silence yesterday, but stands accused of:

  • Using purple gardening gloves
  • Refusing to plant corn at the Kop goalmouth
  • Deliberately taking 17 minute tea breaks
  • Wibble
  • Failing to salute a Cellino family member
  • Making Redders a cup of tea without leave

It is rumoured that Cellino has a new groundsman lined up, late of a legendary but unnamed Serie C club and a man with a formidable range of experience in the continental style of digging up a pitch.

Further developments are expected next week, or at the next full moon, whichever is the sooner. 

Massimo Cellino is stark, staring mad. 

21 responses to “Cellino to Sack Leeds Groundsman for “Turning Pitch Against Him”   –   by Rob Atkinson

  1. Thank you Rob – just what I needed this morning!



  2. Reality Cheque

    Morning Rob, it is an extremely worrying indication of just how bizarre and potty our deluded owner is that I reached the end of your latest article without even questioning its factual accuracy!!!

    I think that recruiting a shrink, purchasing a straight jack and gag and converting Cellino’s office into a padded cell (complete with “strictly no smoking” signs in purple lettering on every wall, floor and ceiling!), are far more urgent than confirming next seasons head coach, recruiting Salerno’s replacement and strengthening our squad.

    Clearly, football club ownership and Mental Health in the Community do not mix.


  3. What s a matter you haigh gotta no respect.


  4. The thing is if it wasn’t a sad reality it would be funny. Rob I am looking at the four pictures below this post – Revie, Bremner, Strachan and Wilko and thinking do I need this pathetic Italian version of my club in my life and the answer is absolutely not.


  5. In the name of sanity shoot me

    No no no no no …… Yes yes yes yes ……… No no no no ………..I’m mad you are ….your mad I am


  6. Rob,I think you’ve hit on the only way we can continue to survive life in the wake of this Nutter.
    Treating this guy as the joke he is ,at every opportunity, will hopefully wear down his ‘Love for Leeds’
    This clearly crazy coot who needs adulation might then sell up and p….off as the groundswell of feeling against him is more than his deluded ego can stand.
    Only the ‘Damned United’ could end up in this position.
    Talk about the ‘devil you know’. In the darkest days of Master Bates and GFH, if someone had promised me a Rich Italian who was intent on buying back all the assets and getting us back to where we belong, I’d have done a Cart Wheel naked in the Street.
    Maybe there was something to that Gypsy Curse that the Don tried to eradicate or is it something even more sinister…..


  7. Belfast White

    As usual a spot on analysis, Rob. Does the poor groundsman have an assistant? Surely too big a job for 1 man! Your point 4 is most discerning. Question is, how can Leeds fans let MESSimo best know concertedly, passionately & peacefully that we feel Miami is really best as his permanent residence? The weather there would be good for his health.


  8. Ropey Wyla

    Of all of those misdemeanors, wibble is the most unforgivable.


  9. I supported Cellino in the beginning but then realised that his decision making was very questionable. Now I realise that he is nuts! I think that he lives in a different world. He has no grasp of reality, at all. White coats and straight jackets come to mind!


  10. Philip of Spain.

    The situation is extremely grave.I really fear for his mental state.I imagine chairmen falling in love with the coach is a specific Leeds thing and not prolific to all.The mind boggles if its endemic,Hull,Rotherham and Newcastle love ins dosen,t bare thinking about.The ghost train keeps on rolling,what’s next.? Well get used to it.The dodgy one hold the chequebook so get used to it.Angry coaches are everywhere,name any from 192.Redders can’t possibly stay after The Rant of The Day.A summer of unbelievable madness awaits until the next ban from the screwy one.


  11. Haha I like it Rob.Welcome to the MAD HATTER’S tea party


  12. Massego has definately gone over to the Dark-O side Rob!

    Mr Sillyno-nowt is babbling to the press trying to get the fans sympathy, he shows more of his true self each time, even the most die-hard fans can now see clearly how serious this is for the club.

    The ironic thing is that Leeds United are in the perfect position to earn Massego a fortune by pulling together the wealth of young talent provided by Redders, grabbing the gift of a stable management team, who motivated a understrength team to fight for and achieve safety, and getting in a few quality players to finnish the job of getting into the Premier League.

    So close yet so far, as this imbecile decides to throw it all away because his emotions have been hurt.

    may I offer my sincere condolences for the death of your dream Massego.


  13. I heard the groundsman was getting the sack for not making the white lines thick enough


  14. Lets get things into perspective. When he arrived he undertook the necessary route and branch clearout which most had been crying out for for years. He brought in I believe 15 new players mostly young with potential. He was new to English football, as were the players. it takes time to bed in, and with what was virtually a new team it was little wonder that we struggled at first. Successive managers also with little or no experience could not produce the settled performances that we desired. Some players brought in started well, but then tailed off, whereas others started badly but then as they became used to the pace of English championship football Developed quite nicely. At the end of the full season, Antenucci, Berradi,once he settled, Silvestri, Cooper, and Bamba, have in my opinion been successful, Bellusci, Ngoyi, Bianchi, Sloth, Adrianne and Doukara, have all on occasions shown potential, A players such as Sharp, who with a proven track record has never played in a system which suited his style of play.Montenegro and The other recruits were not given a chance to perform. He had little option to selling McCormack, He didn`t sell Wooton, when most supporters would have, In my opinion there have been few mistakes on the transfer front, selling Smith, and not retaining Austin, Who even if we transferred him later must have been worth at least £500,000.
    Off the field it is a different matter, beset by problem after problem. No one will know what really goes on, I do not believe half of what is printed in the press, The fans are loud in their support of the manager, but is he really capable of the necessary vision to take us to the next step, Promotion. Some of his tactics have been questionable. Likeable though he is, and a very good acadamy coach, I am not too sure he is, it seems doubtful he will get the chance to prove it.
    My main criticism of our current set up, is that all concerned should “Zip it”
    far too much is spoken or reported, and it creates unrest, and I`m afraid that articles such as this only fan the flames. We are bombarded with information which should be kept private until resolved. We are kept in the dark as to information which should be released, ie Why was Thomson sacked ?
    Mr Cellino is eccentric, impulsive, on a different planet to most of us, says things without thinking of consequences,( could be a language interpretation thing) but he is passionate, loves football, and with the problems he has had to endure in the past year should be given more time. The appointment of Adam Pearson is generally thought to be a good thing, let him be the mouthpiece and everyone else keep quiet. Especially those mindless “fans” who verbally abused his family. He is not going to walk away, and if he did, who would buy, Do we really want Red Bull, We could get a Vincent Tam or a Mike Ashley.
    Better the devil we know ???


    • I supported him at first, through many of the stages and events you describe. It’s the more recent stuff that is bothering people and raising questions over Cellino’s sanity or lack thereof.

      I’m afraid I’m now convinced he’s lost it, and needs to go.


    • steve miggiwhite

      The problems that he has had to endure? he was the architect of the vast majority of them. With cellino at the helm we are going to be heading in one direction only and that won’t be up.


  15. Why does nobody ever dare to say anything back to the bullying Cellino.
    Has everyone these days, become a bunch of sub-servant, boot licking crawlers, with no principles anymore ?.
    I’d love to see Bates out-talk and out-insult “Wibble, Wibble Cellino”, with his underpants on his head, saying “wibble, clucking bell, and my old mans a mushroom etc”.


  16. milano whites

    I think the groundsmen also told the Charlton skiivers not to drop their tab-ends on the pitch. Funny stuff Rob…MOT/YRA


  17. And just when I think it can’t get any worse, I hear he’s keen to sign Leigh Griffiths? I’m sorry, but if that IRA lover ever comes near my club, then I’ll be gone. Sad times.


  18. Michel Dyson

    The craziest thing of all Rob is Cellino is capable of doing just that! When he dumps Neil sanity is gone.


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