Leeds Priced Out of Beckford Move After Manc Woman Steals Him to Advertise Online   –   by Rob Atkinson


Young Uwe helpless to prevent Manc female S.Lapper from stealing his Beckford

Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything can confirm that Leeds United had been in advanced talks to sign former hero Jermaine Beckford – until the 32 year old striker was ruthlessly stolen from under the nose of the United representative, who was helpless to prevent gorgeous, pouting Stretford beauty Ms. S. Lapper from walking off with Preston North End‘s Wembley hero. 

Sources close to the ex-Leeds, Everton, Leicester and Bolton forward quote him as saying “It all happened so fast. One minute I was celebrating a Wembley hat-trick, the next I’m up on Gumtree.com for fifteen hundred quid. It’s well bewildering, man.” Ms. Lapper, meanwhile, was keen to dismiss the whole thing as a misunderstanding, despite photographic evidence of her snatching Beckford from the grasp of the Leeds man, tentatively identified as Master Uwe Rösler (8).

The evidence against Ms. Lapper also included an online advert for the sale of Beckford, originating in Stretford, near Manchester. The advert has since been removed, and the situation regarding Beckford remains unclear. Ms. Lapper is remaining uncharacteristically tight-lipped and was a lot less available than usual last night. For the Rösler family, young Uwe’s grandad is promising to seek retribution on the un-named Stretford culprit who allegedly put Beckford up for sale. “I haf done my share off damage zere before,” nodded the former Luftwaffe man meaningfully. “If necessary, I shall be making one more flight over zis so-called Old Trafford, und showing zem vot I can still do. Let us just simply say – it vill be ein bombshell I am dropping.”

Leeds United confirmed to us that Beckford had been a target, but that they would be looking elsewhere now. “Fifteen hundred is a little steep, my friend,” confided an anonymous source. “I’ve had a tip-off that Billy Paynter is ours for half that price, on eBay, with free postage…”

Ms S. Lapper is 38DD. 

8 responses to “Leeds Priced Out of Beckford Move After Manc Woman Steals Him to Advertise Online   –   by Rob Atkinson

  1. It was rather unpleasant watching that video. Margaret Thatcher would have been so proud of the woman’s “entrepreneurial spirit”.


  2. Philip of Spain.

    Women nicking shirts from kids.Annoying,immoral,illegal but not quite as bad as listening to that droning Manc,Phil Neville.Its one of the only reasons I,m glad the over.


  3. Ilkleywhite

    I thought it was disgraceful seeing that woman steal that young boys shirt, I don’t think Jermaine did anything wrong in throwing it into the crowd, as some people on other forums have suggested, knowing Jermaine, he will probably ask to see the kid privately and give him his boots and shirt as well as some personal mementos of the day (hope so) I met Jermaine a couple of times, and he’s a decent lad, so I fully expect something like this to happen.


  4. stretch4leeds

    Perhaps she will use her candy snatching profits to arrange for her and her assistant to have a bus run over her grotesque faces or arrange for a personality transplant from something more likeable – a weasel or dung beetle maybe? On a serious note – what a nasty vile pile of vomit, such a crying shame we have vermine like that in society.


  5. Exile in Holland

    A tight-lipped s.lapper? Can only be found in Stretford eh Rob


  6. Ode to a c**t:
    There was a hat-trick hero called Jermaine
    who threw his shirt, to a young lads gain
    having caught the shirt of Beckford
    some thieving slapper from Stretford
    made sure he never saw it again


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