In the wake of Sepp Blatter‘s sensational resignation as President of FIFA, only days after his re-election to a fifth term – the immediate favourite to replace the outgoing Swiss administrator and notorious crook is – unsurprisingly – notorious crook and soon-to-be-banned Leeds United owner, Massimo Cellino.
A FIFA insider, speaking on a lobby basis exclusively to Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything, confirmed that Cellino’s name was the one on everyone’s lips in the corridors of power at football’s governing body. “Signor Cellino is well thought-of here,” insisted our source. “Many people believe that he is the man most likely to uphold the finest traditions of FIFA and, more importantly, oversee the crucial cover-ups that will be needed quite shortly.”
It is not yet clear why Mr. Blatter has resigned, although people close to him are whispering the words “rumbled at long last”. FIFA will be in need of a man who is used to dealing in the many and various ways in which football and other spheres of public life can be disgraced, brought into disrepute, fixed, manipulated through bribery and generally bent out of shape. These exacting requirements are thought to boil down to a short-list of one, with other feasible candidates being either locked up in jail (Carson Yeung), busy as dictators (Cameron and Kim Jong Un), too old (Ken Bates) or too dead (Thatcher). As far as can be seen for now, Cellino is the only man with the track record and moral fibre to fill the shoes of such a monumental shyster as Blatter.
Leeds United FC had no comment to make beyond a tersely-worded short statement as follows: “Thank chuff for that.”
Massimo Cellino is as honest as the day is long. In the vicinity of the North Pole at the Winter Solstice.