Coach Rösler “To be Stripped of German Nationality” Following Leeds Penalty Debacle? – by Rob Atkinson

Chris Wood's penalty, spotted in low Earth orbit yesterday

Chris Wood’s penalty, spotted in low Earth orbit yesterday

Leeds United‘s ignominious exit from the Capital One Cup at Doncaster on Thursday night seems likely to have far-reaching consequences way beyond the effects on Yorkshire’s leading club this season, with dire sanctions being proposed against the Leeds Head Coach Uwe Rösler.

United’s failure to progress hung on an abysmal performance in the penalty shoot-out following a draw after extra time. It is well-known in football circles that progress is the rule rather than the exception for teams coached by Germans in these sudden death tie-breakers. German efficiency in penalty competitions is of legendary proportions, as Gareth Southgate, Chris Waddle and sundry other defeated English footballers could testify.

However, on this occasion, the Head Coach’s Teutonic origins were of no help to his team, who displayed all the deadly accuracy and cool nerve of a bunch of baby hippos trying to perfect an ice-skating routine. First Sam Byram and then Chris Wood lashed penalties over the bar, with the Doncaster keeper sagging against a goalpost, helpless with laughter. Wood’s penalty, in particular, seemed to be headed into orbit, though rumours that it caused alarm aboard the International Space Station are thought to be nearly as wide of the mark as the penalty kick itself.

All of this has been received with a distinct lack of enthusiasm back in Rösler’s native land. Germans rightly pride themselves on their legendary accuracy from the penalty spot – they even have a regular football publication called Elfmeter, the German word for “penalty kick”. The fact that a team coached by a German could show such an alarming lack of ability when it comes to putting a ball somewhere in the 192 square feet of space under the bar and between the posts, is seen as genuinely shameful. There are, allegedly, even calls for Rösler to be stripped of his German nationality and regarded henceforth as English – the ultimate in nationalist insults, with the possible exception of being branded Polish.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel, herself a passionate football fan who has been known to listen to games while on official business in the Bundestag, was tight-lipped when asked to comment on the matter of Rösler’s ongoing status as a German citizen. “This is a matter for the relevant department of government”, she said, through tight lips. “However, I can certainly say that Herr Rösler would not be welcome anywhere near my team, FC Energie Cottbus. Now, don’t bother me – go and ask your Herr Cameron whether he follows Aston Villa, Burnley or West Ham this week.”

The Auswärtiges Amt, or German Foreign Office, was somewhat more helpful, pointing out that a German citizen who voluntarily serves in a foreign army (over and above compulsory military service) from 1 January 2000 may lose German citizenship unless permission is obtained from the German government. Their spokesperson went on: “This Department is now looking into the situation of Herr Rösler and his involvement with what is known as the YRA, or ‘Yorkshire’s Republican Army‘. A further statement may be issued when those investigations are complete.”

Franz Beckenbauer is 94.

6 responses to “Coach Rösler “To be Stripped of German Nationality” Following Leeds Penalty Debacle? – by Rob Atkinson

  1. Why mention Beckenbauer. I have just managed to forget him after all this time.


  2. oldcomrade

    I reckon it could have been summat to do with Woods budgie smuggler posing shorts, much too tight to swing a leg at a penalty.


  3. I listened to the first half on radio Leeds rob and rosler was asked if they had practiced penalties , he said “of course, I am german ” with a chuckle ….


  4. David Dean

    Oi vey Rosler must be stirring the king of cock from inside his self imposed straight jacket and it may not be too long before he wriggles free. Ok Murphy did have a better half to last season – but that was down to Steve Thompson. He looked back to his old self to me on Thursday against The Dons although,to be fair, of course he has just returned far too early from injury. So the mild mannered Cellino may not be too bothered about that one – but Scott Wooton? Oi vey says he stood out for 120 minutes in midfield and “as long as we have 3 midfield players in there Scott will do well because we want someone controlling and with power”. I can just hear Cellino now screaming ” why daz ee notta putts me outta on da peeech den if dat is de case”. No one has more control or power at this club than Cellino!!

    Don’t get me wrong I already love Rosler and see no reason why he can’t be a big success – well actually I can see a massive reason, it is the one and only Cellino!

    Worrying times. Next three games all within 6 days – no Cook (best player they have), team knackered after extra time at The Dons and traveling to Reading and Bristol Titties (both looking for first wins) and then a very determined SheffWed at Elland Road for another Sky lunchtime knees up. 3 defeats and Heir Rossler could be hiding in the bunker from a very angry IL DUCE .

    #MOT #CellinoOutNow


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