Premier League Set to Make Life Easier for Man U and Moyes – by Rob Atkinson

Man U line up reluctantly before having to play Man City

Man U line up reluctantly before having to play Man City

After a lengthy period of consideration following the remarks of Man U boss David Moyes on the eve of the season, the FA Premier League are set to act in recognition that the Biggest Club in the Universe have, after all, been unfairly treated.

Moyes had been annoyed that the Greater Manchester club, often fondly known by enemies and foes alike as the “Pride of Devon”, had been “dealt with as if we were just any club.” His complaint concerned the opening five games of the season, with Man U facing three clubs that they were scared of in the first five fixtures. “It was plainly unfair,” said the irate Scum boss. “Historically, this club deserve better than the treatment just any old club gets. Don’t listen to me, ask the gentlemen that edit the Mirror, Sun and Mail. Ask Sky TV. They’re all horrified at how we’ve just been lumped in with all the rest, let me tell you.”

Now the FA are set to take decisive action in the face of what are being seen as compelling arguments. “Mr Moyes has a point,” an ashen spokesperson said, yesterday. “We’ve perhaps taken our eye off the ball here, and maybe we’ve forgotten just who we’re dealing with.”

Unfortunately, it has been thought “too controversial” to expunge the results of the games concerned – Man U lost to Liverpool and Man City and could only just scrape a draw at home to Chelsea. “Unsatisfactory though it may be,” the FA announced, “these results will have to stand. However, we have ruled that it wouldn’t be fair to ask Man U to play these clubs again this season. We have decided therefore that we – ahem, they – will play Bury at home instead of City, Tranmere at home instead of Liverpool and Barnet away instead of Chelsea. The two scheduled Arsenal games will feature Arsenal Ladies, and instead of playing Spurs home and away, Man U will face a Showbiz XI captained by Mick Hucknall.”

David Moyes has cautiously welcomed what some may see as quite a generous gesture on the part of the game’s ruling body. “I can’t really agree it’s generous,” he snapped. “We dropped 8 points in those three games, and it seems we’re not getting them back. That’s nothing short of scandalous. We’ll just get on with it though as we always do at this club. At least it’s given us some scope to redress the balance a bit. We might have only got a point or two from that unfair run of fixtures if something hadn’t been done – now I’m confident we’ll get three or four. We at Man U will just hope the game’s authorities get it right first time in the future. All we ask is for our own way in everything.”

In a joint expression of regret and apology, BSkyB and the FA have asked Man U for their forgiveness in this sorry episode. “We are fully aware of the commercial implications of Man U failing to do well,” says the statement, in part. “We’ve seen the sales projections for Man U tat and Sky dishes in hotbeds like Cornwall and Kent and how business drops off if our heroes lose. Believe us, we’ll be extending the hand of friendship and help to Man U at every opportunity. As part of this, we can give assurances that the latest “New George Best”, Adnan Januzaj will not face any disciplinary action for his future dives to win penalties. Yesterday’s incident was an unfortunate misunderstanding, and the officials concerned have been disciplined.”

In a further gesture of support, the FA have agreed to expunge all Title records prior to 1993, send their referees on refresher courses at Man U’s Carrington Training Complex and deduct 15 league points from Leeds United with immediate effect.

11 responses to “Premier League Set to Make Life Easier for Man U and Moyes – by Rob Atkinson

  1. Rob, this has to be the best satirical article I’ve ever read on the Leeds United News Now board – or any other! Can you give me some tips? I only get the laughs when I’m not trying to. I miss having your stuff on The Game’s Gone Crazy, and I’m sorry I had that hissy fit when your guest article got comments about it being the best thing ever on my site. I was over-sensitive, and I’m sorry. Please come back, or at least show me how I can improve my own poor drivel.

    Respectfully yours

    Scott (HF)


    • Bloody hell, HF! You’ve changed your tune! Is this for real? If so, I’m grateful for your frankness and honesty. I’m a bit busy to do stuff for other sites right now, I’m sure you’ll understand. Cheers!


    • Rob, you are in fact bearing witness the the second best Satirical article ever written in the above response from Slippery Scott


  2. andy arstrong

    a well thought out and totally balanced view point, the guy should be knighted!


  3. “It’s good to be King” – Mel Brooks.


  4. Best ever never laugh ed as much keep up the good w


  5. Excellent stuff Rob. Shown it to a few of my u17 team who are scum fans. Strangely they didn’t get it! As humourless as the watery eyed hobbit who has taken over from bacon face. Keep em coming


    • I really appreciate that – I can do without the endorsement of the U-17s as long as the brains behind the team knows what I’m getting at! Many thanks.


  6. Pingback: Different Rules Apply for the Damned United and the Blessed Man U – by Rob Atkinson | Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything

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