The news that former Leeds owner Ken Bates is to operate a “radio station” in the vicinity of United’s Elland Road stadium took on a more sinister aspect last night when it emerged that the former Chelsea supremo has actually entered into a pact with intangible extra-terrestrial arch-fiends The Mysterons. The evil alien race, believed to originate on Mars, have a well-documented history of exerting control over our species, and are known to issue their threats and demands by radio. Bates’ new venture, cunningly named “Radio Yorkshire” in an impenetrably sly effort to distance it from the now-defunct “Yorkshire Radio”, would obviously be an ideally-situated base from which the disembodied masterminds could assume control of Leeds United, a necessary precursor to their ambitions of world domination.
It is understood that Bates was earmarked as a suitable terrestrial agent of the Mysterons as far back as 1984, due to his expressed antipathy towards the Yorkshire giants while he was boss at Stamford Bridge. Bates was quoted then as saying: ”I shall not rest until Leeds United are kicked out of the football league. Their fans are the scum of the earth, absolute animals and a disgrace. I will do everything in my power to make sure this happens.” This forthright statement caused antennae to prick up on Mars, and moves were immediately set afoot to recruit Agent Ken to the Mysteron cause.
The masterplan has had a setback recently with Bates’ infiltration of the club having been brought to an end by forces of the counter-alien organisation GFH Capital, under its reclusive Chief, the legendary Colonel White – a man thought to have a strong personal interest in the success of Leeds United. Bates, however, is allegedly under orders to maintain his evil programme and, to this end, advanced state-of-the-art extra-terrestrial communications and hypnotic control technology has been installed above Subway opposite the South Stand. Resistance, though said to be futile, is being co-ordinated within Leeds United by another Spectrum agent, Lieutenant Green – although tragically he has been on the injured list recently and thus has been prevented from active involvement against the Mysterons.
Due to the obvious potential gravity of the threat posed by what lies behind Ken Bates’ new venture, speculation is now rife that Lt. Green may be replaced in the January transfer window by Captain Scarlet who, while lacking a final ball – or indeed any recognisable primary genitalia – has the crucial advantage of being indestructible. Scarlet, famously the love-child of Alan Hansen and Cilla Black, is thought to be available on a Bosman from his current club Liverpool.
Detailed plans for the January window are still being drawn up, with the threat of Bates and the Mysterons very much in mind, by the Leeds United management team on Cloudbase (otherwise known as the East Stand Upper). Club manager Brian McDermott has expressed a wish to add at least two new signings to his existing squad, emphasising that he is looking for quality above quantity. “I’m very clear about what we need,” said McDermott. “We’re looking for a mixture of youth, experience, talent, dedication and courage in the face of alien attack.”
Leeds fans will be wary of the threat on their doorstep but determined to see of Bates once and for all. A spokesperson for LAMA (Leeds Against Martian Aggressors) said “We’ve seen off Ken before, and we can do it again. Mysteron radio control is not something we’re worried about, quite frankly. We all listen to Radio Leeds now, they’ve got Ben Parker and he’s much more positive than dear old Eddie Gray was. Eddie’s pessimism and negativity used to make my ears bleed. Leeds legend, though.”
Ken Bates is 106.