EXCLUSIVE: New Toure Contract as City Say “Sorry, Yaya” – by Rob Atkinson

Touré in an incredible sulk

Touré in an incredible sulk

Desperate to deflect attention from talk of a sensational move for Ivory Coast midfielder Yaya Touré from Manchester City to Leeds United, the English champions have taken the unprecedented step of revealing proposed contract details to Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything”.

In a move calculated to appease their traumatised star, Manchester City have drawn up a new contract for Yaya Touré. The midfield powerhouse had been “hurt” by the club’s failure to say “Happy Birthday” as he celebrated that milestone 31st year. Touré, it is said, was grievously offended by the lack of respect, cake and a bouncy castle to mark such an important anniversary.

Anxious to placate their iconic superstar the Champions have moved fast to put together a new package which should keep Touré at the Etihad until he grows up. Despite hints from the player’s agent, Dimitri “Meerkat” Seluk, that his client might pout, cry and storm out of City, slamming the door, the club itself is guardedly optimistic that the new deal will be a tantrum-breaker.

The details of the proposed 4 year agreement are as follows:

  • £350,000 a week basic salary plus bonuses and a sweets allowance
  • Staff and players to line up before training and applaud Yaya every morning as he dons his personal training bib
  • Yaya to be wished a very happy birthday by all club employees by 8am on the morning of next and subsequent birthdays for term of contract – cake to be agreed year on year
  • Jelly and ice cream to be provided by club on Yaya’s birthday.  And balloons
  • Special Christmas “Santa” Clause:  Christmas will be marked by a special, gift-packed Christmas Stocking, to be left on the foot of his bed while he’s asleep by the manager dressed in a blue Father Xmas outfit. Christmas presents to be left under Yaya’s personal Christmas Tree at the Etihad, and staff will gather to watch him open them.  Christmas dinner will be turkey dinosaurs
  • Yaya will train as and when he sees fit, for which consideration he agrees not to have a tantrum or flounce out.  Training can be missed on any given morning upon receipt of a note from his mum

The new contract will remain on the table for the time being, as Yaya is off out to play with his mates in Brazil.  In the period before the contract is signed, all parties accept that Yaya will continue his present sulk, and that he will be pampered and cajoled as required until he is ready to be a good boy and sign on the dotted line.

Yaya Touré is 31 years and one week old.


26 responses to “EXCLUSIVE: New Toure Contract as City Say “Sorry, Yaya” – by Rob Atkinson

  1. Simon Clarkson

    Rob, this his highly amusing & sums a considerable number of footballers in general.


  2. Spot on Rob. 31 year old ‘professional’ sulking because he wasn’t wished a Happy Birthday in person by the club who pay him sickening amounts of money. It is now clear to me that Money obviously isn’t everything!


  3. I honestly don’t know what the guys problem is. I stopped having birthdays when I got to 29 anyway so if anything he should be grateful no one reminded him.


  4. A great footballer

    But also a complete cock


  5. Pure brilliance!


  6. deanshanger

    Was this his official birthday or his real one? There is also no mention of the 31 gun salute.


  7. alf tupper



  8. Poor Yaya…… talk about premadonnas….absolutely pathetic. Hes lucky hes not at Leeds because superstar or not the fans would give him a wake up call


  9. If he played for us, imagine the chant from the Kop.
    Happy birthday to you,
    Happy birthday to you,
    Happy birthday dear YAYA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you..

    NOW EFF off you spoilt bastard.


  10. Every ground he plays at from now on, the away fans will sing Happy Birthday. His agent is a tit.


  11. Can you imagine, David batty or vinnie Jones sulking because sgt wilko didn’t buy them a happy meal ?? FFS these modern day footballers make me sick rob




  13. It’s spreading

    David Haigh wants a cake now. A cake with a file in it 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Just goes to show what a perfect world these footballers live in when something so small can upset them shame its a hard life lol MOT


  15. Tell him he can have a HUGE cake for his leaving do!


  16. joe wicklow

    brilliant and cutting rob reading this and listening to bob dylan singing its all over noe BABY BLUE


  17. Pingback: Cellino Needs to Understand the Meaning of “We Are Leeds” – by Rob Atkinson | La Vita, Leeds United, l'Universo e Tutto

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