Desperate to deflect attention from talk of a sensational move for Ivory Coast midfielder Yaya Touré from Manchester City to Leeds United, the English champions have taken the unprecedented step of revealing proposed contract details to “Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything”.
In a move calculated to appease their traumatised star, Manchester City have drawn up a new contract for Yaya Touré. The midfield powerhouse had been “hurt” by the club’s failure to say “Happy Birthday” as he celebrated that milestone 31st year. Touré, it is said, was grievously offended by the lack of respect, cake and a bouncy castle to mark such an important anniversary.
Anxious to placate their iconic superstar the Champions have moved fast to put together a new package which should keep Touré at the Etihad until he grows up. Despite hints from the player’s agent, Dimitri “Meerkat” Seluk, that his client might pout, cry and storm out of City, slamming the door, the club itself is guardedly optimistic that the new deal will be a tantrum-breaker.
The details of the proposed 4 year agreement are as follows:
- £350,000 a week basic salary plus bonuses and a sweets allowance
- Staff and players to line up before training and applaud Yaya every morning as he dons his personal training bib
- Yaya to be wished a very happy birthday by all club employees by 8am on the morning of next and subsequent birthdays for term of contract – cake to be agreed year on year
- Jelly and ice cream to be provided by club on Yaya’s birthday. And balloons
- Special Christmas “Santa” Clause: Christmas will be marked by a special, gift-packed Christmas Stocking, to be left on the foot of his bed while he’s asleep by the manager dressed in a blue Father Xmas outfit. Christmas presents to be left under Yaya’s personal Christmas Tree at the Etihad, and staff will gather to watch him open them. Christmas dinner will be turkey dinosaurs
- Yaya will train as and when he sees fit, for which consideration he agrees not to have a tantrum or flounce out. Training can be missed on any given morning upon receipt of a note from his mum
The new contract will remain on the table for the time being, as Yaya is off out to play with his mates in Brazil. In the period before the contract is signed, all parties accept that Yaya will continue his present sulk, and that he will be pampered and cajoled as required until he is ready to be a good boy and sign on the dotted line.
Yaya Touré is 31 years and one week old.