Man Utd to Sue Arsenal’s Welbeck for “Mental Cruelty” of Goal Celebration   –   by Rob Atkinson

Hands off, van Gaal

Hands off, van Gaal

In the wake of Man U’s tragicomic FA Cup exit – sorry, that should read simply “comic” – it has emerged that Manchester’s second club are prepared to go to law over hurt feelings, following former Theatre of Hollow Myths hero Danny Welbeck having the brass neck to actually celebrate his winning goal. Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything has learned that swift court action is likely, and that hopes are high throughout the West Country and the Home Counties that their favourites will still be stepping out for Wembley‘s showpiece occasion, the F.A. Cup Final.

The Pride of Devon’s tame legal firm – Messrs. Sue, Grabbitt & Runne – has issued a brief statement in the immediate aftermath of this calamitous upsetting funny defeat. “Mr Welbeck will be hearing from us.” it read. “His unwarranted celebrations were a knife to the heart of every true football fan, the grand traditions of the game and any real prospect of world peace itself. This evil must be stopped. Danny Welbeck must die moderate his behaviour henceforth.”

Attention has also fallen upon the unprecedented display of referee Michael Oliver, who remained scrupulously honest throughout, penalising foul play from both sides and, in particular, making a point of whistling for and punishing the earnest efforts of Man U players to dive for penalties. Mr. Oliver even sent Devon’s Angel di Maria off the field of play for diving and then pushing the ref during the tantrum that followed the refusal of a penalty.

A Man U spokesman admitted “We acknowledge as a club that this behaviour is simply unacceptable. We shall never be seen to tolerate that sort of thing at this fantastic club, officially the greatest club in the Universe and all four dimensions of space-time. We have that reputation to uphold and we are keenly aware of our responsibilities. The referee’s frankly obscene levels of honesty and consistency have left us all simply horrified and deeply petulant. Michael Oliver must die moderate his behaviour henceforth…. no, as you were – die.”

Welbeck bravely hides his utter grief

Arsenal’s reluctant hero Danny Welbeck bravely hides his utter grief

Questioned afterwards about his winning goal and the turbulent maelstrom of conflicting emotions that must surely be raging in a careening torrent through his tormented psyche and devastated mind, Welbeck merely commented, “‘S’all good, man, chill. I’ve never liked Man U all that much anyway. Did you clock them tekkers after nipping in ahead of de Gay? Quality that, man.”

Louis van Gaal, 83, has denied in the past few minutes that he is to take over as manager of the England cricket team.  Wayne Rooney, 19 stone, is fat.

20 responses to “Man Utd to Sue Arsenal’s Welbeck for “Mental Cruelty” of Goal Celebration   –   by Rob Atkinson

  1. This is funny as hell


  2. Hi Rob, there’s many a true word spoken in jest as they say. Every time I see The Myth Machine on the box I end up shouting at it. For me they exemplify everything that has gone bad with football, they are devious, dishonest, cheating and overburdened with their own sense of importance and entitlement, the way that all the broadcasters continually fawn over them is just sickening , unless of course you happen to be 8 (mentally or physically) and from Berkshire


  3. it was good to see scum be humbled , it was good to see welbeck enjoy the goal but it was even better seeing a ref not intimidated by the crowd and book the divers …

    Liked by 1 person

  4. He looked a bit more than 19 stone.


  5. Philip of Spain.

    The 15 Mancunians who watched the match,have allegedly told reporters that the referee was bent,everyone in Devon knows its compulsory to blow for a penalty when you,re a cheating diving Manchester United icon.


  6. Daniel sapaya

    Micheal oliver had emotional na di maria and hererere, it is like oliver was wel prepared for FA CUP.


  7. Exile in Holland

    Considering old red nose received a knighthood for roughly 30 years of cheating, intimidation,fergie time ect., the list goes on, I think mr.Oliver should be knighted forthwith for his performance at that most despicable of places on the other side of the penines.May the rest of the F.L.’s refs foĺlow his example although I fear it may be a one off.
    On another note, most dutch supporters think that with van Gaal in charge m.u. are doomed anyway so here’s hoping


  8. Simon Clarkson

    It gladdened the heart to witness a defeat for Salford United, Welbeck had the bottle to celebrate his goal with the metaphorical two fingers to Van Gaal. The FA to put an official in charge, who did as you accurately pointed out refereed the match with integrity & fairness to both sides. He quite rightly punished players who had difficulty with their balance in and around the Arsenal penalty box. Mr Michael Oliver should referee all matches involving Salford United in perpetuity.


  9. As I brushed away the tears as the final whistle sounded at the end of the five minutes of Fergie/van Gaal time I could come to only one conclusion. The Referee, bless him, must be colour blind and was under the illusion that the team wearing blue were in fact wearing red. What other explanation could there be for such blatantly one-sided/fair and proper refereeing going against the sainted ones?


  10. Careful rob, you’ll be giving scudamore ideas.


  11. peacock273

    Brill, as usual Rob.
    Just about a perfect week. 6 pts. against Ipswich and Wigan, the U-21’s slaughtering the dog-botherers and Scumchester going out of the Cup. Can’t get much better.
    ‘Course, you realise that the Broken Biscuit Company will have lost all interest in the FA Cup now, don’t you?


  12. Oh the glee, best night’s sleep I’ve had in ages, out of both cups now and scrambling for fourth place in the league, I’m willing Tottenham Liverpool and Southamptom, anyone, to edge them out, but don’t be surprised if FIFA pull something out of the hat at the last minute like a wild card or something, I’m reading now that Van driver wants three years to turn it around as well as all the gazzillions he’s already had, melt-down on the way (hopefully).


    • Before adidas bailed them out they had biggest debts in world football. its a shame as I’m partial to my sambas and gazzelles


  13. Steven emsley

    Pure class and as the song goes away look on the bright side of life di do di do I think that’s what the Beckford end use to sing ……. Life is so good



  14. Does this mean Leeds will be docked points ?


  15. Rob,
    Rumour has it that, Man U are having financial difficulties, they are going to sell off all their players at half price…… they’re going B.U..S.T!!!


  16. The fall out and comments from scumchester , I can’t stop laughing. The gift that never stops giving. Love it.


  17. I watched the game with my son last night. He is 15 and typical of the modern day footie fan, loves all the foreigners, think Fifa 15 is actually real football and makes Graham Hunter look like an amateur when it comes to making comments on La Liga- you know the sort, aye A right pain in the you know what. At the beginning of the second half he comes down stairs (busy revising up stairs for the first half!! aye sure) and starts ponificating on the match and all the players, who is shite, who is good etc etc. anyways he starts talking about awld chimp heed, or de maria as the commentators prefer to call him, saying how class he is and that he’s the best player on the pitch (this after he’s seen the replay of his cross for the goal) blah blah blah and I retort that he was a good player in a great team when he played for madrid but in an average team, man yoo, he looks ordinary, that ordinary in fact I’d expect my son playing full back to show him down the line on his right foot and he’s basically knackered. He disagreed completely and basically told his old man that he new nowt!! I again replied” How can a player with effectively one decent peg be worth 60 million?” I don’t like Rooney but by that reckoning he must be worth about 100 million as he can use both feet and indeed his head. How much would have Beardsley been worth? any way I digress. The point I was going to make is that Man yoo are shite and they are paying twice over the odds for players because of their failure to qualify for the champions league and they won’t qualify again this year, no way. Any way after his analysis of the game for 5 mins off he went back up stairs with me shaking my head at the sheer cheek of him, thinking he knew it all and then feeling satisfied enough in himself to leave me happy in the knowledge that he’d educated the old man. He came down ten minutes later and god did I take delight in telling him that the supposed best player on the pitch hadn’t kicked the ball since his cross and had in fact been sent off because of how shite he was (well that’s what I told my youngun anyway). He came down just in time to see Welbeck roll in the winner and see his old man punch the air in delight, instead of saying how right I had been about Chimp heed he just looked and me and without batting an eye said “aye dad that Welbecks class isn’t he”? Younguns these days, they haven’t got a bloody clue have they? lol


    • I was under the impression that they know it all 😉 So mine tells me, anyway, and she’s female so resistance is futile. But deep down, we old’uns know WE’RE right…


  18. The Ashley Young style dive penalties have dried up, they are still tried for but in vain. All this change has come about since Ferguson retired. Refs now seem to be getting these decisions right, and Ferguson is powerless up in the stand, sat with the prawn sandwiches. Make of that what you will.

    “Come on Ashley Young,
    Play like Ferguson,
    And dive dive dive
    And dive dive dive”


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