The formerly half-decent Leeds United fans’ forum WACCOE will soon be no more, it has been announced. In a shock move designed to align the site’s core values more closely with the bulk of its readership, it has been decided that a name change is necessary. The old WACCOE name, it is thought, no longer represents the desired direction of what used to be regarded as an invaluable resource for fans of the Yorkshire giants. Instead, in an attempt to sum up the collective IQ of the readership, the title THICKOE has been painstakingly selected.
A spokesman for THICKOE stated, “WACCOE actually stands for We Are the Champions, Champions Of Europe. Well, sort of. There’s a “Tuh” in there, for The. We weren’t quite sure what to do with that. But some of us think it’s silly to go on about the past, we wanted something more relevant to US as a group.” When asked what the new acronym THICKOE stands for, our hapless source – southerner Mr Iain Monkey – was unable to help. “I’m not sure about that either, to be honest with you. All suggestions are welcome, it’s a detail we overlooked. We just thought it looked a bit similar to the old one, and that it summed up what we’re all about as a group of Leeds fans who like to swear a lot, spout neo-fascist views, laugh immoderately at each other’s jokes for the purpose of mutual reassurance and – most importantly of all – try to out-do each other for the attention and approval of our betters.” Mr Monkey furrowed his brow so that the “Sieg Heil” tattoo on his forehead almost disappeared. “We did wonder about saying it stands for The Honestly Independent Cornucopia of Knowledge On Everything – but a few of the lads had a bit of a lip-tremble going on at that one – thought it sounded too much like your own site, which all our members have to promise – really, heavy duty stuff, swearing on oaf and everyfink – to hate and ignore just as hatefully and ignorantly as they possibly can, which is a lot. So it’s a lickle bit of a nawty one – a dilemma, if you like.“
There is some bewildered anxiety too, it would appear, in the re-branded site’s moderation team. A source close to the very top told us that they had tried recently to tailor the forum as per the requirements of its more prominently-lower-jawed members. “We’ve done our best with this,” Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything was advised. “We’ve tried to eliminate anyone – as you will know yourself, Rob, as a banned person – who’s kicked up too much of a fuss over the site’s support for core issues. This includes the Coalition government and our ‘firm but fair’ stance on asylum-seekers (kick them out), benefit claimants (starve them, then kick them out), teachers (aaaarrrgh), the Labour Party (starve them, then shoot them, then kick them out, then shoot them again). We feel that this brings us broadly into line with our most devoted readership, some of whose best friends are foreign types of a non-Caucasian hue. The name change is simply the logical conclusion of this -ahem – refinement of our product direction”
Mr Monkey also issued this reminder to those who may have given up in despair on a declining fansite. Former and lapsed readers of the THICKOE formerly WACCOE site, he insisted, are urged to return and see how things have come on. “We’re going great guns, honestly. We had some really hard and cool and street nicknames for the first head coach this season – we called him Whackaday and Hockalot and, ooh, lots of others. It was really brilliant and so edgy, lots of reassuring peer approval and big-lad chortling. And anyone who disagreed was silenced, so we didn’t even have to worry about intelligent people spoiling things for the rest of us.”
It’s expected that THICKOE will finally be going live in time for next season; in the meantime the old WACCOE brand will be discreetly phased out. “We’ve made a start already,” said Mr. Monkey. “If you look carefully at the site banner (pictured above) there’s been a bit of subtle editing going on – though you’d be forgiven for not noticing! No expense has been spared to ensure that the new brand is unmistakable, but that there won’t be anything too unfamiliar for our readers, most of whom haven’t been reading for all that long, have low, sloping foreheads – and they can feel a little insecure, with distressing consequences.”
By this point, Mr Monkey himself was shifting uncomfortably in his seat, a nervous tic rapidly developing in one bloodshot eye. “I shouldn’t really be talking to you, you know,” he quavered. “The THICKOE lot really hate you. We all do in fact. You’re always having a go and calling us thick and rightwing. That might be true, but it’s not nice to say so, is it?? And you delete any comments that don’t say nice things about you, so all of our well-hard swearing and the frets we fretten you with, that is all just wasted. And all the nice comments you get are well fake, innit, they are all really obviously all writ by the same geezer, that’s YOU, so don’t think we don’t know what you are all about, so there.” Mr Monkey rose at this point and flounced out, ignoring our polite offer of another coffee and some fairy cakes.
Mr. Monkey is 78, but his IQ is only 50.