Leeds: WACCOE Meltdown as Man U Could Patent the Word “United”   –   by Rob Atkinson

Seriously, folks...count on it

Seriously, folks…count on it

In a move that will dismay, even enrage, fans of Leeds United, Newcastle United and other famous old football clubs throughout the English leagues – as well as leagues elsewhere – Manchester United FC, known across the globe and in Paignton as the legendary “Pride of Devon“, have formally announced their intention to patent the word “United” for their own sole and exclusive use.

The former Newton Heath have long been offended that other clubs cheekily presume to use a suffix which they feel is their own exclusive province. Attempts on the part of the “other” Uniteds to conciliate have always fallen on stony ground and deaf ears; particularly when negotiations have included the undeniable fact that “United” in a football context signifies a club with the sole occupancy of its catchment area – as is the case with Newcastle, Leeds United, Carlisle and even Torquay – all areas which are served by just one professional club. Despite the fact that this means they’re actually, a fake United, the Man U position has always been airily to contend that it simply “doesn’t matter” and that they remain the only United anyone’s bothered about.

Such a rarefied level of auto-delusion so impressed a Regius Professor of Applied Psychology at Oxford University, that he decided to make the Salford-based club the subject of a thesis on what he described as “Walter Mitty Syndrome” – scientifically, an elevated stratum of specious self-deception. Sadly, after a full ten months work and within sight of a definitive conclusion, the good Professor succumbed to exhaustion from a chronic case of “laughing his poor, aching cods off at those arrogant idiots”.

Now the Pride of Devon have decided to go to law, and will call as witnesses representatives of the print and broadcast media, who have long followed a tacitly-agreed convention of referring to Man U simply as “United”. Strange as it may seem, this could lead to success in Court if the club can establish that the nomenclature has become solely theirs by the ancient principle of “custom and practice“. Another possible outcome is that an unbiased Judge (if such can be found) will take one look at the provenance of such evidence, and chuck the whole matter out of Court under the equally venerable statute of Nemo dictum stercus in Curia.

The Leeds United fan site WACCOE has gone into virtual meltdown at what they see as potentially a scandalously unfair development. Diverted for almost the whole of the last twenty-four hours from their usual preoccupations of reassuring each other as to how cool they all are, avidly discussing their fave sweeties (Snickers or Smarties??) – or discussing whether the best way to get to kiss a girl is by use of drugs or a blindfold, the “United” controversy has had many of the site’s users distraught – in copious floods of tears. Arguments at near-tantrum level have raged back and forth, with most proclaiming repeatedly that “you can’t patent a word. You can’t, you can’t, you can’t!” before dissolving into tragic sobs and wanting their mums. Other Leeds United fan-sites, catering for a distinctly more adult and mature user group than the broadly juvenile WACCOE, have by contrast reported a distinctly subdued reaction, with members either “not being bovvered”, or preferring to talk about Jeremy Clarkson and how crap Chelsea were last night.

The outcome of the legal proceedings is not likely to be known for some considerable time. If successful, however, it is likely that Man U would wish to adopt the word “United” as their new registered name, dispensing with the increasingly irrelevant “Manchester” prefix. There is even talk of the club relocating to the south of England to be nearer to the bulk of their fanbase. One possible wrinkle there is that Manchester City have expressed the intention, should they be left as the sole Mancunian football club in the area, of restyling themselves as “Manchester United“. Such a move would require the approval of the FA, UEFA, FIFA, Sky TV and the Gallagher brothers out of Oasis.

The average I.Q. on WACCOE is 35 at age 14.

20 responses to “Leeds: WACCOE Meltdown as Man U Could Patent the Word “United”   –   by Rob Atkinson

  1. Does it matter? “We are Leeds” !


  2. RoystonLUFC

    it does seem pointless referring to them as Manchester United, given that most of their plastic fans don’t even know where Manchester is, never mind know what shape a football is; so shortening it to United makes sense to those in the Home Counties, Devon and Hong Kong. And it would save all those genuine, City-supporting Mancs from sharing their name with the most disgraceful, embarrassing marketing franchise this world’s ever seen.

    Manchester United – the McDonalds of the football world.


  3. Rob,
    They’re about to be intensly disillusioned,because of the relegation,n finantial collapse they’re about to suffer due to their inablity to qualify for europe…..so the press are about to disown them….dreams ah dreams!!


  4. Let them, after all there is only one Scum United.


  5. Did you read the review given by Bates…..it seems YOU ME AND US(fans)….are truely to blame not the good brother!!!!……so next time you deem to write nasty things about the good brother…..remember it is your personal fault(you(me)(all of us)
    that when he tried his best(excuse the hysterical laughter)to sell the club to various millionairs……they replied they just didnt need the aggro or the profits(this night shift is getting to me)
    I’m not as good at this as you….so hows about a blog on it???


  6. Addendum to that showing why you should be doing this…..its mainly about the state of the sale of the club OUR CLUB…which he deems to forget yet again…..so dont go blaming GFH or Bates….childishly I always associate that name with dissaster


  7. Rupert Rouge

    Oooooh, such bitterness and envy – LOL

    Thought you’d be more focused on your real rivals Rotherham United.

    Strange, this fixation you yokels have with the real United. We don’t hear all this rubbish from other clubs like Huddersfield who won a triple of titles, not scabbed and kicked their way a couple of titles in their bleak, obscure existence like you clowns. I’d just give up on football and look forward to your annual week in Cleethorpes.


  8. Fair play bringing it up, if its true its a terrible display by Man U,disgraceful thing to attempt, not a Leeds fan


  9. Geography, and all other manner of teacher in Thailand are shit hot….actually, you were half right. They are just shit………..


  10. I’ve always found it amusing that not only are most of their fans from nowhere near Manchester, the club itself isnt, its in the city of salford. It’s like bradford calling themselves Leeds city.


  11. steve leeds

    would we not have more claim to the united tag im sure the dammed united would be copyrighted a film about us


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