Unelected PM David Camoron has shocked Tory Party faithful by ruling out a third face. Speaking at a gathering of hostile, heckling pensioners which also included an undercover reporter from Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything, Mr Camoron remarked “I have always felt that two faces are the right number for a Tory politician. I have been two-faced for the whole of my political career, and I see no reason to change that now.” Mr. Camoron also pointed to the example of former Leeds United CEO Shaun Harvey, a man who has managed to rise to the heights of Football League top man on a mere two faces and absolutely no principles whatsoever.
“Mr Harvey is a fine example to all of us Tories,” stated the one-term, no-mandate PM. “He has managed to support the inclusion in the “football family” of rapists, porn barons, embezzlers, money-launderers and other such rank-and-file Tory types, whilst pursuing somebody in this foreign chappie Cellino, who has just a few import tax misdemeanours to his discredit, with all the enthusiasm of a bunch of purple-faced Conservative chinless wonders hounding a fox to its grisly death. It’s the kind of leadership I can only dream of providing myself, and shows that being two-faced is enough to get you to the top.”
Tory Party sycophants were quick to praise their leader. “Whatever David has said, I feel he is right, and very courageous too.” said Tarquin Toady-Greaser of Lesser Mansion Tax, near Cheltenham, “Now get off my land, you horrible little Leeds United oik, before I have you thrashed, tarred and feathered, demmit.”
In a week when it appears to have become de rigueur to rule out a third this or that, Nick Clegg is refusing to pass on an additional third chance of re-election in Sheffield Hallam this coming May, stating that his existing two chances of “slim and none” were leaving him “a little short of options” – particularly as ‘slim’ is reported to be on the point of leaving town.
Nigel Farage, leader of UKIP, was last night refusing to rule out the prospect of a third MP for the party, pointing out that he himself is standing in Thanet South. Speaking from a smoking shelter outside a pub in the constituency, Mr Farage said that he remains “optimistic” that the UKIP message is finally getting across, praising the frankness and honesty of the likes of Janice Atkinson. When it was pointed out that Ms Atkinson had actually been ejected by the party for transcending even their standards of public conduct, Mr Farage would only quip, cryptically: “Oh, bollocks”.
Meanwhile in the Labour Party, there were contrasting approaches on this issue from two senior figures. Party Leader Ed Milliband was quick to rule out a third kitchen, stating that two were enough for any socialist – but at the dinosaur end of the party, John Prescott has confirmed that he “would rather like a third Jag“.
Nye Bevan is 117.