‘Grateful’ Man United to Unveil Statues of Rupert Murdoch and Howard Webb – by Rob Atkinson

Theatre of Hollow Myths - due a name change?

Theatre of Hollow Myths – due a name change?

Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything can exclusively reveal that Man Utd – the former football club now known throughout the observable cosmos as The Pride of Devon – are to show their appreciation of two massively important figures in their recent history, by erecting statues in their honour.

The legends concerned are Aussie media tycoon Rupert Murdoch – who single-handedly ended Man U’s 26 year title drought by buying the game for them in 1992 – and former referee Howard Webb, who still holds the all-time club record for career assists, beating even Ryan Giggs and Mike Riley into second and third positions. Mr Webb is now the technical director of the Professional Game Match Officials Board, where he will be able to continue in the service of Man U, ensuring that the “right” referees are selected for their fixtures.

A Theatre of Hollow Myths insider, speaking on a lobby basis to Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything, confirmed that the two statues have been commissioned in recognition of the club’s immense gratitude for the contribution of these two individuals towards their unprecedented and frankly suspicious level of success. The identity of our source cannot be revealed, but we are able to confirm that he has an elder brother, a centre-half for the best team around, who won a World Cup winner’s medal for England in 1966, and that he himself is now mainly occupied in the “unofficial match ticket supply chain”, going under the nom de guerre of “Ticketmaster“. His anonymity guaranteed, he was able to give us full details of the nature and locations of the planned statues.

The first surprise is that the statuary tributes will not be a feature of the Theatre of Hollow Myths itself. “We thought that might be overkill,” our source told us, flicking nervously at his comb-over, “After all, we already have a statue to Alex Ferguson, and various tastefully-sponsored reminders of the Munich Air Disaster. Alex himself was none too pleased about the possibility of “yet anither piece o’ mairble clutterin’ up ma groond”, so we’ve had to move to reassure him that the new statues will be located elsewhere. And, to be fair, they were likely to be just too big for the space available. The Murdoch statue in particular would have been the biggest erection in Manchester within living memory.”

So, we asked, Alex was happy – as long as the statues weren’t actually outside the ground, then? “I wouldn’t say happy, exactly,” our man admitted. “He doesn’t really do happy – but he has calmed down a lot since we told him we’re planning to name the whole stadium after him. He was quite pleased about that, I think.” Startled by a second big and exclusive piece of surprise information, we indicated that this was news to us, and doubtless would be to many armchair-bound gloryhunters throughout the world. “Yes, it’s been kept under wraps,” conceded “Ticketmaster“, “but we think it time to make a lasting tribute especially to S’ralex. The change of name from Old Trafford to Old Pillock will therefore be registered in time for the start of next season.”

Finally, then – where will the new statues be – ahem – erected? It turns out that this has been the subject of heated debate within the club, who are ever conscious of their need to maximise merchandising income involve their loyal and faithful Sky TV subscribers throughout the country and beyond. “In the end, it came down to the two real hotbeds of support – so we’ve decided to apply the Wisdom of Solomon – and give one statue to Paignton and the other to Milton Keynes.” Sir Bobby Our source nodded, contentedly. “We feel that this is an equitable solution.”

Sir Bobby “Ticketmaster” Charlton is 103.

23 responses to “‘Grateful’ Man United to Unveil Statues of Rupert Murdoch and Howard Webb – by Rob Atkinson

  1. Brilliant rob hats off go on tell us who the source is





  3. Maybe they could have a eamonn holmes burger bar too rob ,..


  4. I'maWACCOEprick

    You like to bang on about your hatred of hooligans blah, blah, blah


    • You can always tell the WACCOE types – too thick to understand the situation whereby their bile has no chance of being published; too cowardly to leave a genuine email address so that they can be challenged for their puerile response – just too crap for words.

      It’s good to be King.


  5. Steven emsley

    I am sure I have read this article in the Manchester evening news online post …… do you have two jobs Rob ? If not you should have as you are far better at entertaining the reader than half the jernos these days


  6. Paignton & Milton keynes, can’t think of better places for em, the reds in the home counties won’t be best pleased though. Maybee they might give up on em and support the next champions league winners ,it would be nearer home for them.


  7. Exile in Holland

    Fantastic piece Rob, I can’t for the life of me work out who your source could possibly be, so brilliantly disguised. Keep up the good hate ,sorry – work


  8. “OLD PILLOCK” Priceless, bloody priceless, made my day.



  9. I wonder what it was that Whiskeynose got his Knighthood for anyway? “Services to sport”? You must be joking!
    I read somewhere that Bradley Wiggins even got one for winning a bicycle race.
    Perhaps I’ll receive one for sending this reply. Can you put a word in for me, Rob? I hear you’re well-connected.


  10. peacock273

    You know, Rob, no matter how shit my life feels at times (lost my kid brother the other week), your blog has me smiling before I get half way.
    I still can’t work out who your comb-overed, knighted source is though. 😉


    • I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. I spent some time with my brother earlier today, and you just made me realise how devastated I’d be if I were to lose him. I can hardly imagine how it must feel, all I can say is that I feel for you at such an awful time. If you can still smile, you’re a better man than me – and if the blog had anything at all to do with the smile, then that’s everything I could wish for it. MOT mate – I take my hat off to you.

      As for combover – I suspect you’ve guessed it 😏👍


  11. Mr Rearguard

    David Ellery is another bent ref who should have a statue erected outside Scum FC’s gaff. He tried his hardest to help Scum get something out of ‘that’ game September 11th 1994, by awarding them a penalty for a foul that happened well outside the box! The match ended 2-1, and I remember it well because of SGT Wilko’s little jig when Leeds went 2nil up.


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