The weekly award for Most Outrageously Crap Made-Up Story About Leeds United, keenly fought over by the entire cadre of gutter press tabloids, has this week been awarded to the Daily Star – even though it’s only Monday. The judging panel decided that it was so unlikely anyone would come up with a worse effort this week, than that dreamed up by clueless Star hack Jeremy Cross, it was safe to award the trophy – a pile of pig ordure tastefully crafted in finest pewter, to the ridiculous yet amusing sports scribbler.
The story, based on zero evidence and fraught with inaccuracies, was deemed to be in the finest traditions of tabloid journalism for those reasons alone. The fact that the piece, which centred on young Sam Byram as the player the Star wish to unsettle, was illustrated with a picture of team-mate Luke Murphy, was the clincher for the award. A spokesman said: “The brilliance of making up a highly unlikely shot-in-the-dark story about one player, accompanied by a picture of a quite different player, was well appreciated by the awards panel. We’re seriously considering inducting Jeremy Cross into our legendary Salon des Incompétents Hall of Tabloid Fame, for services to base hackery.”
Following a hasty correction, the original picture of Luke Murphy was replaced by one of Byram, around whom the Cross fantasy had originally been spun, disappointingly detracting somewhat from the brilliant effrontery of the piece. However, this craven piece of backtracking was not thought sufficiently cowardly for the Gutter Hack Award to be withdrawn.
Sadly, the winner was unable to accept his award in person, as he was busy rifling through the dustbins of an England U-21 International for his next made-up “scoop”. In the absence of Jeremy Cross, the trophy was picked up by his faithful assistant, Jeremy Mildly-Annoyed.
The Daily Star is regrettably not available from newsagents, as they prefer more serious publications – like The Sun – but it can be obtained wherever budget toilet paper is sold.
I wish they’d just stick to tits and bingo, the only things they’re any good at.
You are not wrong. It is appalling that any newspaper is allowed to write such obviously nonsensical garbage.
However the vultures are going to be in evidence more and more in the coming weeks.
In Byram, Mowatt and particularly Cook, we have three players ripe for manipulation.
With Leeds in total turmoil, both on and off the pitch, the agents acting for this trio, will be looking to get them away for more lucrative deals at stable and progressive clubs.
Indeed if REDFEARN is replaced, which sadly looks almost certain, then who can blame the players themselves, for wanting to safeguard their own careers.
These boys want to play football, ostensively for Leeds, but who can blame them if they believe that both their prospects and earnings can be enhanced away from ELLAND ROAD?
On another note, I am told that Belluci, whose influence around the club at times borders on insubordination may well have not fancied the trip to Wolves and may well have feigned injury yesterday evening.
Thanks Rob I am sat here laughing my head off with this article. I NEED IT AFTER READING THE RESULT THIS MORNING
Steve Western Australia
We know we’re going to get a whole close-season of this drivel. (Not yours, Rob. The Daily Scab shite)
Yes, once again as Leeds fans we head into an uncomfortable summer where the gutter press will helpfully try and sell all our best players for us.
My concern is what Cellino will do. Not much evidence so far that he cares much about the fans opinions. Would he if midsummer very few season tickets had been sold? What if huge numbers of fans posted letters complaining about what is going on?
If he stands to lose a lot of money & was regularly faced with fans chanting what they really think?
Why, oh why can our great club not find a decent owner who can be trusted and build the club, not strip it? While we languish yet again mid table clubs like Bournemouth and Watford fight for promotion.
Chortle , chortle chortle…..yuk yuk yuk…….incredibly deliciously bitchy….but sooooooo true, excellent piece of jounalism in the true traditions of your blog
with thanks after yesterdays so nearly!!!!
Well they are probably making shit up as usual, but chuck enough shit and some of it sticks.
Dreading this summer, can see redders, byram, cook, murphy, mowatt, silveste, cooper, the taylors all going pastures new.
Why is it whenever we look like we are about to do something good next season some twat in a suit has to go ruin it all
I don’t know why you’re so surprised by this. Everything in the mainstream media is all made up tosh, and I mean everything.
Could you possibly state your qualifications for our absolute faith in this sweeping view of yours? Ta.