Man Utd Fans – a Scientific Study From a Leeds United Perspective – by Rob Atkinson


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From Amphibian to Armchair

Statement:

Having previously published an article which sought to convey certain very pertinent truths to the Football community at large, I have noticed a backlash of distress and resentment from some lower forms of life who can broadly be classified as “ManU fans“. These creatures are not normally capable of communication as civilised people understand it, but since the Why Liverpool are Still the Greatest Champions article saw light of day, various undercurrents of discomfort have been perceived, as if a species lacking in any sentient capabilities has been attempting, en masse, some form of primitive self-expression. In order to understand what is being conveyed, we should perhaps seek a greater understanding of the species as it exists in the wild.

The most common breed of “Man U fan” is Scummus Australis Gloria-venator (southern scum glory-hunter), to give the full name of the genus in its most prolific form. This is a manifestation whereby parasitic colonies are to be found almost everywhere outside of the Mancunian conurbation. The more hardy rival species Urbis Rex Urbus (City, King of the City) tends to keep down the Scummus numbers in this one isolated location, but elsewhere they are prolific and they thrive particularly in the south, with unusually nasty infestations in Devon, Cornwall, the Home Counties and Milton Keynes – not to mention Singapore where their steadily growing numbers appear to correlate directly to an increase in reported cases of Dhobi Itch.

The genus is vaguely humanoid in form, even in this most lowly class, and some authorities believe it may actually be a sub-classification of Homo sapiens itself, being the result of selective in-breeding between males of the long-extinct “Newton Heath Man” and lower human females of a less discriminating nature. This theory has gained some currency after isolated and hotly disputed “demonstrations” of a reported ability in certain Man U fans to count up to twenty; to recall events from as long ago as 1993 (but in most cases no further) and, in some cases, even to grunt simple sentences.

Whether they are really capable of original thought has been the subject of hot debate, but there appears to be very little empirical evidence to support the arguments of those who say that this is indeed so. (Citations needed)  Examples have certainly been given of individuals being able to make grunting noises approximating to actual speech, and some observers have claimed to detect genuine phrases such as “Biggest in the world”, “Liverpool granny-stabbers” and, most notably of all, “We all hate Leeds scum“.

It has even been suggested in certain circles that this latter manifestation may give a hint as to the existence of a rudimentary sense of irony, but this has been dismissed as fanciful by most competent authorities, who tend towards the opinion that any noises recorded when a pack of ManU fans gathers are mainly for mutual reassurance, low-level male bonding and to attract the attention of higher species in Leeds, Liverpool and North & West London.

Another area of dispute has been the way in which evolution is working where this species is concerned and, indeed, in which direction? It’s well-known and universally accepted that nearly all species, particularly the higher primates, follow a linear evolution whereby the organism tends to advance in both body and mind over an extended period. There is, however, evidence to suggest that some strains of the ManU fan have actually been formed by a process of degradation as illustrated at the head of this article; a higher species has in effect decayed to form an inferior strain; fish has become armchair.

This runs contrary to the vast body of accepted knowledge in the anthropological sphere, but there is some hard evidence that some individuals of the ManU fan species have superior, albeit decayed, genetic material in their recent ancestry. It is not known how such a relatively swift and drastic deterioration may have taken place, though some theories postulate that the injection of a malign bacterium from the Govan area of Scotland may have corrupted some previously sound stock around the late 1980’s resulting in mutations in gene pools wherever this highly volatile and destructive bacterium was detected.

What seems certain is that, despite an almost complete lack of intelligence or conscious thought on an individual level, this species is able to communicate certain simple emotions when acting together, much as is the acknowledged case with lower creatures such as ants or even bees. The possibility of a “colony intelligence” should not lightly be dismissed and it may well be that ManU fans are able to co-operate in this manner, and that one day – maybe not for a long time – they may succeed in achieving some sort of primitive interaction, perhaps as a result of some species-wide distress or sense of grievance.  For the moment, it is true, the effect is merely that of incoherent noise in a very basic and simple pattern, repeated ad nauseam without any apparent higher motive and utterly unworthy of publication or retention. The possibility of some limited increase in coherence and content cannot, however, be dismissed out of hand.

This being the case, I have undertaken to publish, on an experimental basis, more material investigating the hierarchy that operates within Football, and the extent to which this has been perverted by the advent of the “Murdoch Syndrome” in 1992. Such material will be scrupulously researched and the findings presented in such a manner as to render them scientifically impeccable, as has ever been my intention. But, given the feedback received after the Liverpool piece – diffuse and muted though it was for lack of clarity and intellectual content – efforts will also be made to monitor any increase in activity among lower orders generally and the sub-species “ManU fan” in particular. Naturally, I intend to remain accountable at every stage of this process, so I will as ever welcome comments and constructive contributions via the usual channels, though manifestations of incoherent noise and repetitive gibberish will continue to be deleted, except insofar as they may provide useful data in the context of these investigations.

Statement ends.

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47 responses to “Man Utd Fans – a Scientific Study From a Leeds United Perspective – by Rob Atkinson

  1. There are going to be a fair few of their chaps, choking on their quail eggs, reading this in the heartlands of Surrey. Jolly good!

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  2. Haha this guy is brilliant. I could read his articles on man u all day long with a smile on my face. ynwa.

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  3. gearoid kiely

    this is quality,i’m a united fan and i still laughed through most of it

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    • Give us a clue then Gearoid – Newcastle, Leeds, Peterborough? West Ham? Torquay??

      Thanks for reading and laughing though, it’s appreciated!

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      • mike hunt

        gladdens my heart to know you are so bitter and twisted up with hate that it consumes your life.i actually miss ‘lids’ in the TOP division and a chance to observe the latest incarnation of knuckle draggers from that dump.and now Liverpool “fans” jumping on and falling for the ‘united fans from anywhere but Manchester’ myth.your own fans come from vast swathes of wales and the far east.do you understand the word “irony” ? as for leeds,so insignificant you are almost out of sight.loving your demise

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  4. Johny Fartparts

    http://www.liverpool-kop.com/2013/09/liverpool-man-utd-transfer-spending-comparison-1990-to-2012.html

    Some highlights from the above article (just in case you can’t be bothered to read it).

    (Remember, this is from a Liverpool supporters website):

    “Key points….Since 1990, Man United spent 11% less than Liverpool on transfers but won 60% more trophies.

    United’s gross spending in the 00s is slightly higher than Liverpool’s, but the Red have overtaken United again in the ’10s.

    United’s net spend over 22 years is higher overall, but only by an average of £1.3m per year. Does such a miniscule amount of money per year account for the disparity in league success?

    Ultimately, Man United won 12 Premier League titles in 22 years with a lower overall gross spend than Liverpool, and a net spend of only £1.3m more per year(!)”

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    • CoughCough

      The likely Scummus Australis Gloria-venator, Johny Fartparts, demonstrates one of this subspecies many deficiencies by pretending a well-known false-flag site is a “Liverpool supporters website” and that its numbers are factual.

      This site is in fact run by Jamie Kanwar (Google it) a member of a rather rare subspecies of the ManU fans creature which originated in Scotland during the Rafa Benitez era and has developed a Chameleon-like ability to mimic its superiors by posing as a Liverpool fan.

      Of course real Liverpool supporters can smell the stench from these creatures from far away and are not fooled by their ability to mask themselves, but less evolved creatures, including all known variants of the ManU fan, tend to fall for it every time.

      Like

    • Remember, this is from a Liverpool supporters website

      Since when is liverpool-kop.com a Liverpool fc supporters website?

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  5. But United net wage spend in the last 10 years is £230m more than Liverpool £410m more than City and £180m more than Arsenal yet the Knuckle Draggers are always quick to quote transfer fees without wages costs as if these players once signed play for free

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  6. Once again an excellent piece!

    Im looking forward to your expose of one of the govan dung muncher’$ many dabbles with bungitis. The most infamous and laughable example being the jackanory-esc, ‘Case of the Russian Samavar’. It was carried (but as usual with anything negative about the purple nosed corrupto, it was very quickly buried! ) by most ‘news’ papers at the time. One of the best and funniest was in the man u advertiser (or daily (cracked) mirror as it is more commonly known). For those who know little or nothing of this heinous act, it was around the time England were vying with Germany for the world cup, maybe 15 yrs ago! When anyone googles and reads the article you should have your tongue firmly wedged in your cheek (NOT as with smug sam allardice up the govan corruptos arse) and play in your mind the music of the kids story prog ‘Jackanory’ – Jackanory Jackanory! All the best to true supporters & keep up the good work!
    coogaah (kopite)

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  7. By the way, in response to ‘fartpants’ ushited have ‘won’ very few trophies in past 20 odd years, rather they have been gifted many of them by corrupt officials with the able and eager assistance of the corrupt ‘f.a.’.
    There was some excellent research conducted about 25 years ago (when football was at least still marginally connected to its fans) by a university Prof about 50-50 decisions given in football.
    The stats were something like this – Teams near the bottom of the table received about 25% of 50-50 decisons in their favour; Teams in the centre of the table received about 50% of 50-50 decisions in their favour; Teams near the top received about 75% of 50-50 decisions in their favour. BUT, there was one exception! One team received 90% of 50-50 decisions in their favour…. can you guess who…. no surely not! Yes you’re are all correct … ushited! AND at that time ushited were NOT one of the very top clubs! That honour went to LFC, Arse, Bitter Blues (efc) & I think The villains (avfc) and forest.
    The corrupt examples surrounding ushited is almost endless! I once bought an official book about their history and in the preface they admitted they should have been disbanded for corruption early in their history!
    Not much changed then eh!
    long live true football
    coogaah (kopite)

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    • You bought a United book eh? For the record pal I would blow my nose on the pages of a book on your club. Makes me laugh how you’ll ‘gang up’ with Leeds scum.. How small are you, scouse prick..

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  8. Maybe you should concentrate a little bit more of your energy writing about your own dismal, underachieving, lower division outfit than hating on United (that’s Manchester United by the way, THE United). If you fancy a pen fight I’m more than happy to go nib to nib with you. Before you start making the over used and somewhat tedious assumptions of my geographical location I’ll fill in for you, I’m Dave, 47 born and still living in Gods own country.. Manchester. First United game (I know you’re also called that but you know what I mean, THE United).. Old Trafford vs Plymouth Argyle in 1974. I’ve also had the, ahem, erm “pleasure” of visiting that normally half empty yet strangely full against United (THE) place you comically describe as a stadium a few times over the years. What a lovely place. Anyway, your article is quite funny in parts but your obvious hatred of my club overrides any humour. That is actually the funniest part due its irony. The hatred from a set of fans who are known to us as the biggest scum on the football map referring to us as primates. For anyone who may be reading my response that hasn’t experienced the joys of Elland Road, I must tell you there sits proudly a couple of hundred yards from the glorious “stadium” a MacDonalds. the only one in the world to have no colour red anywhere on its structure or sign. Why? I hear you ask. Well, because the Leeds fans did not want any Red on it because (THE) United play in red. I let you make your own minds up here. I could go on and on a bit like your piece but I’ll sign off now. Oh, by the way.. Thanks so much for Eric, hope you spent the money wisely…

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    • The bugger (writer) is a Leeds United fan? Kinda ever heard of Leeds before, very long time ago. If I’m not mistaken it was a microscopic footnote in the history of football. That was in ancient times predates the EPL.Damn, last century!!! I didn’t know they still existed. You guys went into administration, right? Now I remembered. Low IQ bunch of primates who didn’t pass basic mathematics in school. Can’t figure out basic accounting. Got a little bit of success, a little bit of cash and blew it all so fast a season later can’t even pay the janitor to clean your loo.

      Thanks Dave. Now I remembered. They gave us King Eric. You guys sold us a Ferrari Enzo for the price of a Lada Samara. Pea brain nitwits!!! Yup, that was ancient history. Their idiotic demise led to the the beginning of the glory days at OT. Can’t believe they’re still pissed off about that. For heaven’s sake get over it. Top level football is not really ideal for you guys. maybe Leeds united should look into another sport, like lawn bowling for instance. It doesn’t cost that much and it suits the average age of your fans.

      Still in debt from the blunders of the last century? Sell or rent out the grounds. Elland Road would have been better served as a flea market than a sorry excuse for a football club anyway.

      To the writer, get a life you bitter old fart.Next time write an article on something that really matters, current events.This ancient history grudge thing is getting really lame.I bet the last time you probably got laid was the last time Leeds won a trophy, hence the problem. Is it still functioning down there? Why don’t you go to an old folk’s home, retirement home somewhere nearby, snag a lady friend and test it out. It will do you a whole world of good. Trust me.

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      • Gee, there’s a gen-yew-ine one hunnerd percent Nitid fan for ya guys! Howdja like them chickens?? Sheeeee-IT, it’s sure is GUUURD to have the benefit of yore intellect on mah pore ole Leeds blog, suh. Day-ummm.

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      • EPL

        that’s the ariviste neuvo fan credentials taken care of then

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    • Manchester is a City not a country you nibhead! Gods own COUNTY is the other side of the Moors fella as proven by its European Travel Destination 2013 Title and next years TDF heading through the Broad Acres. Your constant ‘THE’ United comments sum up exactly why we hate you f**kers. Oh, by the way Thanks for buying Rio (drugs cheat) and saving our club, it was worth it just for Jan 3rd 2010

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    • Dave,
      From our point of view ….much preferred Giles,Strachan,Greenhoff(Brian)they really out stripped the Mad(SARDINE)Frenchie
      With thanks
      Don

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  9. Funny piece Rob and oh how quick them Mankeys bite ha ha.

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    • Thanks Ed – they do, don’t they? And they’re just the ones I’ve approved. There are plenty more not fit to print. I refuse to approve comments from idiots who think it’s funny to take the piss out of events where lives were lost, and the abusive, illiterate and just plain boring get deleted too. It’s amazing the pleasure there is to be had from reading the hate-filled and lengthy diatribe of some frustrated scummer – something he’s clearly sat down and poured his heart, soul and tiny intellect into – and just deleting it. Oh, the power. It’s good to be King.

      Like

  10. Counte Of Monte Fisto

    Dave chillax, you seem like an angry man, this was all in fun but for me yes I do dislike your club. In fact everything about it, your ex manager was a hideous human being & bullied the weak FA & officials constantly. Most of your ‘fans’ couldn’t find OT with a map and compass yet spout on as if they know everything. You truely do believe yourself to be the ‘biggest’ club in the world despite being miles behind Real and Barca. You invented the horrible post sky commercialism that has ruined English football, putting the chase for the dollar over the good of the game every time. For me I am able to make a distintion between the loyal hardcore & the armchairs. Of course I am not sure which one you are but no doubt you will advise me that you are a ‘lifelong’ supporter like most but tell me you ‘can’t get ticket’. MOT

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    • Oh really – I’ve honestly never heard that nonsense before. The problem with fans of little clubs like you is that you spend way too much energy spouting shit about Man United – I’ve had a lifetime of it pal. If you dislike Man United so much why do you enjoy speaking about us so much? Maybe because your own miserable club are just a bit boring to discuss eh? Most ‘fans’ do live outside Manchester yes because Manchester only holds what around 8 or 9 hundred thousand people but we have followers all over the world. However, Manchester is red my friend and you better believe it from somebody who was born there & has schooled, worked & lived all my life. We couldn’t frankly care if Leeds fans hate us as, I can assure you we hate them a lot more, along with Liverpool & the Arab Whores. Tell me, are the FA so weak that they can be ‘bullied’ by one man? Also, if you’re going to churn out age old bullshit theories back it up with some facts.. Do you conveniently forget about the times where United, their manager or their players are made examples of like the Rio Ferdinand (thanks – he’s been good too) ban when he was NEVER tested positive yet players who have have been either let off or had lower punishment? Oh and the guy who wrote the article who evidently fancies himself as a bard – “diddums” – that’s the best you can do is it or am I missing out on that Yorkshire sense of humour that you otherwise dour bastards are known for?

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    • milano whites

      Heyup Dave…Scum were pretty small in the old second division before Docherty took you back up. Reckon if you had stayed down a couple of years longer you would have disappeared as all the glory hunters were already going over to the scallies if I remember my school days correctly…MOT/YRa

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  11. Counte Of Monte Fisto

    First post on your club ever & this is my last. To explain how it came about my angry contributor I read it on news now, laughed at some bits & skated over the rambling part (sums up most on here I expect). Then came the comments & I was amused by how angry you lot get. I never mentioned where anybody lived just the armchairs who buy their ‘united’ shirts from the market, watch on sky & spout as if they know everything & no one else is entitled to an opinion. I would expect manchester to be over 50% red as you have been more successfull than city so well done, whoopee fkg do but not relevant to my post. Not living in a place other than Manchester you can’t understand how boring those ‘uniteds’ are to followers of every other club whose town they infest. I clearly said I make a distinction between those hardcore who go & those who watch on sky. As for the FA there is no weaker org in the world & refs were OBVIOUSLY cowed by Mr Angry & his CONSTANT comments on each refs performance. I fully expect now he is history that it will equal itself out on the pitch & you will moan lots about bad decisions going against you as they get their own back on you. In terms of Rio I think at the price you paid for him we got the better of the deal. I was always more peeved about Woodgate than Rio as he was by far the better defender, although Rio HAS been good.

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  12. Your hatred and obsession are most amusing.

    “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”

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  13. A question to DAVE. You question Rob about always going on about Mancheverton Utd. Why do your lot keep singing songs about Liverpool and Scousers? This, I am reliably informed happens week in week out. Yet, we (Liverpool), with our vast repetoir of chants and songs, don’t tend to include you in any!? ( There is one, but we don’t generally bother with it unless we are playing you). So, why is this? It appears to me, that you have an unhealthy fixation with us and for a club that isn’t any threat now (so Manure ‘fans’ so often inform us about), it seems a bit odd!?

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    • Mancheverton United…brilliant. Manure…pmsl here. Are you published? I’d love to read more of your work.

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      • I am afraid not. I am just a casual observer of of anything that highlights the comedic world of the so called ‘biggest club in the world’, from ‘Munnn chestah’. That’s right, ‘JONGLEURS UTD’, it certainly IS, the biggest comedy club…..in the world!!

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  14. dansdad1919

    Great read Rob, brightened my day up.
    As I read it, it dawned on me that I work with two of those armchair types. One from west of Cardiff and the other from the Swansea valley, neither has accomplished more than one venture north in their lives but both can be extremely vocal should ManU beat a real fan’s team. I’ll keep an eye on them and see if any further mutation occurs.
    By the way, anyone calling THEM United IS being disrespectful to: Newcastle, West Ham, Scunthorpe, Oxford, Torquay, Hartlepool and Leeds. Apologies to any other United’s, I DIDN’T mean to be disrespectful.

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  15. gary grant

    thanks scum for giles and Stratton, both better then the frog MOT

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  16. Why the obsession with Man United? Thought you were a Leeds fan

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    • You display an ignorance of football fan culture and the things that preoccupy fans that’s fit to take the breath away. Read a few back numbers of Red Issue – or get someone to read them to you – and you’ll possibly get an idea of how stupid your remark is.

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  17. Angela Crabtree

    God, I’d love to see a table about that… all the proper stats… it would take ages though… and it would involve so many people trawling through so many games… and some of the decisions could be a mite dubious so you’d have to get a second opinion on some of them… but yeah a really good table… of like… say, a point for each decision given wrongly in their favour… maybe 3 for a penalty… another 3 for the opposition having a man sent off… a point for unsuccessful dives but dives nevertheless… 2 points if it’s in the box or the unite… err… the player ends up in the box attempting the advanced con. Yeah, anyway since the start of the ludicrously, pompously named Premiership, a table of the biggest con artists out there based on such criteria would surely see manure way way ahead of the rest. Ashley Young, A disgrace. Greg Dyke (manu fan) if he wants to improve the England team should address the ways of his adopted team (he hails from North London, how typical, ha ha) as their England contingency can’t get away with such ridiculous theatrics in international football. Yeah, a lovely table…. with a red and white checkered past… errr… tablecloth.
    Ange xx

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    • I seem to like the cut of your jib, Ange

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      • Angela Crabtree

        Meanwhile, deep in the darkest, dirtiest bowels of Old Shitford…
        Come in David… sit down… (2 large figures coming out of the shadows approach David from behind)… I’ve been asked by my superiors to have a little word… just friendly advice shall we call it, friendly… for now. One of the heavies grabs David round the neck in a headlock all too close to restricting David’s air supply. David is sweating as his ‘advisor’ jumps forward, crimson-faced, veins bulging in his forehead, as he screams “NEVER! DAVID! NEVER EVER EVER admit that a United player has cheated.” The advisor’s gum flies out into David’s face as he rants the same mantra over and over again… while simultaneously, fingers clenched around a fresh herring, indulging in a furious bout of onanism. Poor theAlex… his mind went when the job did… they had to keep him on… how else could they use him? The chains stopped him reaching David. They’d need him unscathed for press conferences and the like. The heavies escort David out as theAlex creeps slowly back into the cold, damp darkness of the cavern.
        Ange xxx

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  18. I think its working Rob.
    How bitter are these ‘people’?
    If only they followed their home teams like the real fans, they wouldn’t have such a complex.
    The more they hate us, the more I love Leeds.
    Great, and truthful article by the way.
    I often wonder what it must be like to follow someone else’s team, even go to someone elses City to watch a home game, then I just realise how plastic it must be. That’s why they are bitter, they have no soul and they know it.
    Glory seekers- they know nothing of the game, just the glory and the hype, its pathetic.

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  19. Rob,
    Heard on the grape vine…..what do you call a scumchester in a suit?
    …..the accused(hehehe)
    Don

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  20. milano whites

    Fantastic read Rob. I will be becoming more active on your blog as the Manx owned YEP have shut me down, again, for expressing views that are contrary to their ongoing WUM and speculative assaults on everything to do with Mighty Leeds. I wondered if you could further research how quickly the transient Sky followers of football are mutated when they briefly flirt with supporting scum and then Shitty or any other team that comes top of the corrupt PL. Do they represent a further sub/species or having followed the mankies become permanently on a downward devolutionary cycle. I look forward to the publication of your findings. MOT/YRA…Think the YRA reference goyt me my latest YEP ban…hee, hee.

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  21. milano whites

    I was also surprised by the bitter, yet strangely eloquent rantings of some of the offended ManUr sludge. My theory is that it was ghost written for them, possibly by a scally whose lads I do respect, and then a scummers knuckle print was stamped to approve…MOT/YRA

    Like

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