Monthly Archives: May 2015

Leeds Priced Out of Beckford Move After Manc Woman Steals Him to Advertise Online   –   by Rob Atkinson

 

Young Uwe helpless to prevent Manc female S.Lapper from stealing his Beckford

Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything can confirm that Leeds United had been in advanced talks to sign former hero Jermaine Beckford – until the 32 year old striker was ruthlessly stolen from under the nose of the United representative, who was helpless to prevent gorgeous, pouting Stretford beauty Ms. S. Lapper from walking off with Preston North End‘s Wembley hero. 

Sources close to the ex-Leeds, Everton, Leicester and Bolton forward quote him as saying “It all happened so fast. One minute I was celebrating a Wembley hat-trick, the next I’m up on Gumtree.com for fifteen hundred quid. It’s well bewildering, man.” Ms. Lapper, meanwhile, was keen to dismiss the whole thing as a misunderstanding, despite photographic evidence of her snatching Beckford from the grasp of the Leeds man, tentatively identified as Master Uwe Rösler (8).

The evidence against Ms. Lapper also included an online advert for the sale of Beckford, originating in Stretford, near Manchester. The advert has since been removed, and the situation regarding Beckford remains unclear. Ms. Lapper is remaining uncharacteristically tight-lipped and was a lot less available than usual last night. For the Rösler family, young Uwe’s grandad is promising to seek retribution on the un-named Stretford culprit who allegedly put Beckford up for sale. “I haf done my share off damage zere before,” nodded the former Luftwaffe man meaningfully. “If necessary, I shall be making one more flight over zis so-called Old Trafford, und showing zem vot I can still do. Let us just simply say – it vill be ein bombshell I am dropping.”

Leeds United confirmed to us that Beckford had been a target, but that they would be looking elsewhere now. “Fifteen hundred is a little steep, my friend,” confided an anonymous source. “I’ve had a tip-off that Billy Paynter is ours for half that price, on eBay, with free postage…”

Ms S. Lapper is 38DD. 

Happy Birthday Cantona, Bit-Part Player for the Last Champions – by Rob Atkinson

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Eric the Last Champion

Birthday wishes today to one-time United reserve player Eric Cantona, who has attained the grand old age of 49.  Cantona joined Leeds United in 1992, just in time to qualify for a last-ever Football League Championship medal, although his involvement in the actual winning of the famous old trophy was peripheral at best.

Cantona managed to make a few appearances and score a few goals for the Last Champions.  Some of the goals were things of beauty; his effort against Chelsea at Elland Road sticks in the memory for some amazing sleight of foot which preceded a thunderous finish into the top corner.  But United were 2-0 up at the time and it is a fact that none of Cantona’s goals that season were decisive, game-changing strikes.  His major contribution towards the winning of that last-ever level-playing-field title was probably his action, in tandem with Rod Wallace, of frightening Brian Gayle into scoring a pivotal own-goal at Bramall Lane.  But the Cantona role that season was a cameo – all of the hard work had been done by the real principal players such as Strachan, Chapman, MacAllister, Speed and the rest of Wilko’s core warriors – the players he turned to late in the season after deciding that Cantona was a luxury player.

The Frenchman’s move to the Theatre of Hollow Myths was decidedly well-timed from the point of view that it coincided with an end to championships being won on merit in a competitive league.  From 1993 onwards, it would be the richest club that finished on top, so – having won one league title in the original format, Cantona had a few more bought for him in the first few years of Murdoch’s “Greed is Good” league.  In the process, the slightly brooding and insular Frenchman that Leeds fans knew was re-branded into Eric the Red by the Pride of Devon marketing machine, complete with turned-up collar, pseudo-macho stubble and the trademark strut so beloved of the insecure and needy type of fan attracted to the commercially- obsessed Man U franchise.

Cantona was a relatively brief phenomenon even at Man U.  By 1997 he was gone, taking a surprisingly early retirement and aiming for a career in films – something he was destined to be overshadowed in by another ex-United player, far more influential in Elland Road history and far better regarded in Whites folklore; one Vinnie Jones.

Ultimately, it is the Man U incarnation of Eric that will be remembered by a selective media – the chest sticking out and the collar raised as he did his best to play the part defined for him by the remorseless publicity team at the Theatre of Hollow Myths.  But we Leeds fans remember a different bloke, certainly in terms of his relationship with the crowd; one who illuminated his walk-on appearances with special goals and that Gallic touch and control; one who flickered briefly but brilliantly at the end of the successful 1992 season and the start of the next one, especially with his hat-tricks against Liverpool at Wembley and Spurs at Elland Road.  This was Eric “Ooh-Ah” Cantona, an enigma who I can still see on the balcony of Leeds Town Hall, holding the last League Championship trophy and telling us “Why I love you, I don’t know why – but I love you“.

Fickle as footballers tend to be, he walked away from the love and into the hype; he became a man and a player for the Murdoch era of money and media.  But in remembering that Cantona, the moody and petulant Kung-Fu practitioner, it’s still important to recall the more diffident and less arrogant bloke that briefly, sporadically – but still memorably – played for Leeds.

Happy Birthday, Eric – and thanks for those few, bright, pre-Murdoch memories.

Mad Massimo Cellino Broadly Hints at Rosler Sacking   –   by Rob Atkinson

Uwe Rosler: proud family history

In line with the current policy at Elland Road, owner Massimo Cellino has dropped a broad hint that new Leeds United head coach Uwe Rosler is to be sacked. Mr. Cellino has described Rosler as “a bit German for my liking”; the comments came in the hour immediately prior to confirmation that Rosler had been appointed.

Mr. Cellino is thought to be working hard on the details of the next three head coaches’ contracts. “I work hard for Leeds,” he insisted. “I never stop, my friend”. The aim at Leeds seems to be to have enough coaches lined up to cover team affairs until June, when Cellino’s next ban is expected.

Rosler is tipped to settle in at Elland Road and organise his office today, then spend tomorrow discussing transfer policy with Cellino while pleading for more time to make an impact in the job – and reminding Leeds fans that his grandad did, after all, bomb Old Trafford; before finally clearing his desk and shipping out on Friday. His replacement could be in post as early as next week. And out by the following weekend.

Massimo Cellino, 94, is beyond a joke.

“Angry” New Leeds Coach to be Angrier Still When Sacked Before Bonfire Night   –   by Rob Atkinson

United’s new head coach, Angry Mr. X

According to clinically unstable Leeds United owner Massimo Cellino, his new “Head Coach” is angry and eager for revenge. The new mug on the block cannot yet be named, presumably because Cellino has not yet observed the courtesies involved in sacking Neil Redfearn, the present incumbent. But news of his identity will be eagerly awaited by those who are scratching their heads and wondering who could possibly be so daft as to wish to hop onto Massimo’s Mad Mental Merry-go-Round.

Whoever it is, the new guy had better get his feet under the table quick smart. He’s unlikely to have the benefit of much settling-in time, never mind a honeymoon period. The pattern at Elland Road is now firmly set: appoint, praise, tepidly support, emasculate, hog-tie, isolate, insult, sack. The Cellino process generally proceeds swiftly enough to make the tenures of previous Leeds bosses Brian Clough and Jock Stein, at 44 days each, seem like models of long service. 

So, whom can we expect – once all the blood and feathers have been cleared away following the summary chopping of the dignified and patient Redders? Names have been mentioned – Gus Poyet, late of Sunderland and thought to be the brains behind the initial Dennis Wise minus 15 miracle. Or the soon to be ex-Brentford man, Mark Warburton, who has enjoyed a great season with the Griffin Park outfit, including 6 points generously donated by the Whites. It’s hard to see how either would fit into the modus operandi favoured by Il Duce Cellino.   And where will Adam Pearson, who spent much of Cellino’s recent notorious and bizarre presser dolefully facepalming, slot into this process of continual change? Will Redders be able to head back to Thorp Arch, at least until Cellino has it ploughed under for corn?

Some of these vexed questions may be answered over the next few days and weeks. But you may be sure that others will arise – Cellino is due up before the beaks again shortly, after all. And whatever might happen at Elland Road over the summer and leading into yet another comic cuts season, you can put good hard cash on the likelihood that our new man – whoever he might be – will not last far beyond Guy Fawkes Night. By Christmas, we will probably be composing the epitaphs for his successor.

However angry and vengeful Massimo’s new man might be right now, he can expect to be at least half as miffed again once unceremoniously dumped after a ridiculously short time, by football’s most loco boss. Perhaps he should be thinking about that right now. 

For we mere fans, all there is to think about is the narrow pool of possibilities we can now rely on for what was once one of the most sought-after hot-seats in the game. Everyone knows what the score is now around LS11. Who would be just plain daft or crazy enough to take on such an un-doable job? If Screaming Lord Sutch was still above ground, I might nominate him – in the current situation, he’d be like a fresh breeze of sanity in the schizoid miasma which currently hangs over Elland Road. 

In his absence, though – well, let’s face it, we’re probably going to be stuck with MC himself. Nurse!! My pills, please – quickly!

Cellino to Sack Leeds Groundsman for “Turning Pitch Against Him”   –   by Rob Atkinson

LUFC Groundsman – “weak and babyish”

There was yet another bizarre turn of events at Elland Road yesterday, as “one chip short of a butty” owner Massimo Cellino confirmed that he is on the verge of replacing the Leeds United head groundsman. In a prepared tantrum, Mr. Cellino gave a bravura five minute rant to assembled pressmen, criticising the way the stadium was being managed. 

The groundsman in question was maintaining a dignified silence yesterday, but stands accused of:

  • Using purple gardening gloves
  • Refusing to plant corn at the Kop goalmouth
  • Deliberately taking 17 minute tea breaks
  • Wibble
  • Failing to salute a Cellino family member
  • Making Redders a cup of tea without leave

It is rumoured that Cellino has a new groundsman lined up, late of a legendary but unnamed Serie C club and a man with a formidable range of experience in the continental style of digging up a pitch.

Further developments are expected next week, or at the next full moon, whichever is the sooner. 

Massimo Cellino is stark, staring mad. 

Leeds United Should be the 1973 Cup-Winners Cup Holders – by Rob Atkinson

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Milan v Leeds 1973 – Leeds Never Stood A Chance

Forty-two years ago today, one of the most notorious injustices in the history of European Football competition was visited upon the hapless heads of Leeds United at the European Cup-Winners’ Cup Final in Salonika, on 16 May 1973. There seems little doubt that the Greek referee, one Christos Michas, was bribed by Leeds’ opponents on the night, AC Milan. UEFA acted in the wake of this tawdry sham, banning Michas from officiating – a tacit admission that something about the match was very wrong indeed. This appeared to be a view shared by the crowd which attended the Final all those years ago; they roundly booed the Milan team as they sheepishly paraded the trophy, showing great sympathy to the unfairly beaten Leeds United team.

The game was littered with what might charitably be called dodgy decisions by Michas – fouls not given against Leeds, whose every little transgression was rigorously punished. Milan, it seemed, could do no wrong – Leeds were up against impossible odds, to the outrage and disgust of the largely neutral crowd. A Leeds player uninvolved through injury that night, Johnny Giles, had overheard enough before the match to glumly inform his team-mates in the dressing room that they “would not be allowed to win”. Not the best motivation, perhaps, but borne out in the end by the events which unfolded on the pitch.

An attempt at overturning – indeed reversing – this shoddy result took place in 2009 when Yorkshire & Humber MEP Richard Corbett gathered the support of over 12000 people for a petition he presented to UEFA on the 36th anniversary of the 1973 Final. UEFA refused to act on the petition, addressing a long-winded response to Mr Corbett, but failing utterly to expunge from their record such a shameful incident. Milan are still recorded as the 1973 Cup Winners, a situation so bizarre as to be frankly laughable.

At a time when the fortunes of the Elland Road club are once again at a low ebb, there’s frequently some comfort to be had in looking back at what has, at times, been a glorious and trophy-laden history for Yorkshire’s premier football outfit. But some anniversaries – this is one, and there’s shortly to be another when we remember being robbed in Paris in 1975 – simply remind us of how much more that great team could have achieved on a level playing field – if they had not been thwarted at every turn by incompetent or bent refereeing, official intransigence by the Football League, the FA and UEFA – or a grisly combination of all these negative factors.

The European Cup Winners Cup Final in Greece 42 years ago today goes down in history as yet another occasion when Leeds United were the bridesmaids and not the brides – the bald facts of the matter will record Leeds as big-time losers once more, sadly, when the real story of that game goes far beyond the result into very murky territory indeed. Leeds fans will quite rightly see their team as the moral victors on a day of disgrace for UEFA. Tragically, the surviving warriors in white from that May evening so long ago will almost certainly never see matters put right – and so the winners’ medals will continue to adorn trophy cabinets that are shamed by their presence there.

On a day when we yet again face an uncertain future, and when the prospects of more silverware for our great club seem very distant indeed, we salute the real winners of the 16th May 1973 – Leeds United.

That Cellino Leeds United Press Conference in Full   –   by Rob Atkinson

Cellino clarifies his philosophy

Massimo Cellino clarifies his philosophy

Is Cellino Preparing to Jump Before He’s Pushed? – by Rob Atkinson

Cellino - end of the road?

Cellino – end of the road?

Three bits of good news for Leeds United fans over the past few days – a week worthy indeed to be marked with a white stone. That’s normally our ration for a season or more in the glad tidings stakes, after all – so what can all of this mean?

On the wonderkid retention front, the fact that Lewis Cook has extended his stay with the Whites is the best possible example of A Good Thing you will see this side of United’s next promotion. Cook is, by common consent, the real deal – and even if this contract extension is merely the Leeds United take on fattening the lad for the next propitious market day, still it’s a mighty welcome development for the here and now.

On the player recruitment front – wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles – the League’s transfer embargo has been lifted, meaning that Leeds United are once again free to raid for Serie B for the cream of its dubious talent – or maybe even to buy some serious candidates for enhancing a team which aims to compete in the hurly-burly of The Championship. That’s as vexed a question as it’s been at any time recently; much will depend on who, precisely, will be pulling the transfer strings – about which more anon.

The return of Adam Pearson is a more puzzling if still very welcome piece of news. Right out of the blue, we have a person at the top end of the club who could quite conceivably restore some credibility to the senior executive management levels at Leeds. Pearson is the kind of person who will know before striking any agreement precisely what the parameters are and with what measure of unfettered freedom he’ll be able to go about his clearly-defined role. He’ll be Massimo Cellino‘s right hand man, so we’re told, but there are complexities afoot, surely. Wiser heads than mine are nodding sagely and prophesying that great changes are in the offing.

These great changes may, of course, not be a matter of choice or election on the part of those within the club. Further legal hurdles are ahead for Cellino to attempt to vault – or more likely to stumble over and carve a furrow in the track with that ever-lengthening nose. The Italian may be many things, but he’s not daft – he ahead of almost anyone else must be aware that knives are still out for him, and being stealthily sharpened by cold-eyed men with grim and determined smiles on their grim and determined faces. It’s been open season on Cellino since the day he set foot in Elland Road, and the fact that he’s back for the time being – with a blessing of sorts from the Football League – amounts to the square root of not very much, if the judicial sky is about to fall once more on our President’s head.

This being the case, Cellino may well be acting under notice of his own impending demise. That’s the sort of information that sharpens and concentrates the mind wonderfully, turning it to securing the best possible exit under the most advantageous terms. Simple economics dictates that a forced sale attracts a lower price; the buyers out there act in full knowledge of the lack of options a banned seller has – and the price goes down. The sudden appearance of Pearson on the scene could well mean that Cellino is preparing to bow his head to the inevitable and, in effect, cut his losses by selling before he has to do. Pearson would be there to ensure smooth running during any interregnum – which is a selling point in itself. Meanwhile, the main people will continue to talk the talk as if they’re going to carry right on walking the walk. But the rumours won’t go away about a change of ownership in the near future – and the logic is appealing.

It’s going to be a very interesting and probably confusing summer at Elland Road, certainly over the next few days and weeks as poor Neil Redfearn continues to dangle and the Press conjure up more or less ridiculous candidates to inherit the poisoned chalice Redders has been supping from. It’s a thankless position for Redfearn to be in, and so much more so for his erstwhile assistant Steve Thompson. This issue, surely, must be the first of many that require clarification before any other business can realistically be done.

All of which begs the question of what is Lewis Cook’s understanding of the current situation at Elland Road. Or, more likely, that of his agent and advisers. Cook is a hot property with options reportedly available at the top end of the Premier League. He must presumably have received some assurances as to the wisdom or otherwise of signing the next phase of a richly promising career over to a club many football people – and Rodney Marsh – consider to be fatally ill-run. So there’s another glimmer of encouragement – if young Cook, or his cadre of assistants, is happy with the way things are shaping up, perhaps we can dare to be a little more optimistic too?

All now depends on how this Elland Road game of musical chairs proceeds as the summer draws on. We can properly expect big changes, with outside events in foreign courts likely to have a telling influence either directly, if Cellino sits it out, or more indirectly if he takes the pragmatic view and goes – more or less – quietly. As ever this past decade or so in and around LS11, the summer promises to be the most significant and entertaining part of the LUFC year – far more riveting and compelling than that dreary and frustrating portion of the calendar when they actually try to play and win football matches.

Watch this space – it’s going to be a bumpy ride…

Bradford Fire Disaster 30th Anniversary – by Rob Atkinson

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Horrific scenes as the Bradford main stand burns fiercely

30 years ago today, I went to watch Leeds United play at St Andrews, Birmingham City‘s ground, in order to support the United lads, who still had a faint mathematical chance of promotion. These were the bad old days, when football violence was still highly fashionable, and it was predictable that things would get out of hand given the slightest excuse. Well, Leeds went one down, it was a crap game, and get out of hand things certainly did. There was a mass riot, invasions of the pitch from both sets of supporters, police horses tried to get between the warring groups and general mayhem ensued for quite a time. Inside the ground, a 12 foot wall collapsed and a young lad was crushed to death. It was a tragedy of the times, crowd disturbances were commonplace and only 18 days later, trouble at the Heysel Stadium in Belgium would cost the lives of 39 Italian fans as the European Cup Final between Liverpool and Juventus was fatally marred by ugly scenes of violence.

As the Leeds fans emerged from Birmingham’s ground though, we were totally unaware that an event had been unfolding back home in Yorkshire that would cost 56 more lives, leave hundreds injured and traumatised and form another catastrophic part of that dreadful month of May 1985. At Valley Parade, the antiquated home of Bradford City, a fire had broken out in the main stand, a ramshackle construction of timber with an oft commented-on build-up of litter beneath the wooden seats – a calamity waiting to happen. On that Saturday afternoon, as spectators packed the old stand to greet their promotion-winning Third Division Champions, the calamity did happen, and with unbelievable speed and ferocity.

At about 3:40 pm, ITV commentator John Helm noted that there appeared to be a small outbreak of fire in the main stand. Within four minutes, on a dry and windy day, the fire had engulfed the whole of the stand, trapping many in their seats. People dashing to the back of the stand for fire extinguishers found none – they had amazingly been removed for fear of vandalism – and the fleeing crowds were forced to break down locked exits in order to escape. Others escaped forward onto the pitch, and within the burning stand there were acts of outstanding heroism as some people tried to assist those less able, without regard for their own safety. The design and build of the ancient stand conspired in its swift destruction; the roof was of wood covered with tarpaulin and sealed with asphalt and bitumen. The whole structure was, in effect, one big incendiary bomb which had been waiting to go off for years.  Now, a single lighted match or cigarette, dropped under the seats onto the accumulated litter below, had started a conflagration that raged out of control before anyone could summon help. It was a miracle, aided by the selfless bravery of many of the spectators who rescued their neighbours, that more weren’t killed.

As it was, 56 deaths and hundreds injured left its mark on the game, and rightly so. The Popplewell Inquiry led to the introduction of new legislation to improve safety at sports grounds, and construction of new stands from wood was banned at all UK sports venues. Thankfully, the death toll had been somewhat limited by the absence of perimeter fencing around the pitch, a lethal factor in the 96 deaths at the Hillsborough disaster 4 years later. Bradford City’s ground now is unrecognisable from the ramshackle stadium I remember as a student in the city in 1981, when I attended a League Cup tie against Ipswich and marvelled from the open Kop at the sheer age and dilapidation of the wooden stand to my right. A magnificent state-of-the-art main stand now crowns the development which has taken place on all four sides of the arena – a credit to the City, to the Football Club and to the memory of those fans who died – 54 from Bradford City and 2 from their opponents that day, Lincoln City.

Later that year, in July, I attended a Bradford City memorial game at Elland Road when the majority of the 1966 World Cup Final teams, England and West Germany, turned out for a rematch. England won again, 6-4 with Geoff Hurst scoring another hat-trick, Uwe Seeler scoring a quite magnificent goal at the Kop End, and the late Alan Ball notching for England too, as did Martin Peters – the other Three Lions scorer in ’66. England were captained by the late, great Bobby Moore, and our own Jack Charlton appeared with lesser-known brother Bobby. It was a wonderful occasion and a fitting tribute to the dead and injured of the Valley Parade fire, raising many thousands towards an eventual total of £3.5 million for the Bradford Disaster Appeal Fund.

On this pleasant late spring day, when the memories of that awful summer of 1985 are receding further and further into the past, let us pause and remember those who died this day 30 years ago, as well as the victims of the Heysel Tragedy – and not forgetting young Ian Hambridge who died when that wall collapsed at St Andrews while football fans unknowingly rioted all around. Ian would be 45 now; he and 56 others at Bradford were robbed of their lives by the events of the day. Rest in peace, all of them – and let’s be thankful that we’ve seemingly moved on from that dark period in football and stadium history.