Genius Kewell’s Brilliant Theory on Why 5’8″ Leeds Keeper Didn’t Make It – by Rob Atkinson


Harry wearing his most intelligent and alert expression

Harry wearing his most intelligent and alert expression

As many will know, former Westlife boyband member Nicky Byrne narrowly missed out on real megastardom when his fledgling career as a footballer with Leeds United came to an abrupt end.

It has long been a matter of fevered speculation as to just why the diminutive Byrne never made it as a professional goalkeeper. There seemed to be no obvious reason why the tiny teen idol failed to make an impact in a position dominated by lanky lads of 6’4″ or thereabouts. Byrne himself, standing at a somewhat less than towering 5’8″, never revealed the reason for his sporting heartache, and it seemed fated to remain one life’s great mysteries.

But now that baffling conundrum may at last have been solved by the mighty cerebral power of Australia’s foremost intellect Harry Kewell. Such are the intricacies of Kewell’s musings that it’s really not easy to convey them in a form mere mortals will have a chance of comprehending. The best shot that Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything can make follows this paragraph. It’s complex stuff, mind, so read it slowly – and then read it over again, a couple of times if necessary. We’re trying to sum up the product of a superior mind here, so be patient with yourselves and give it every chance. You never know – a revelatory enlightenment might just dawn. Here goes, then. Take a deep breath…

Harry Kewell’s revolutionary thesis on the failure of Emerald Isle shorthouse Nicky Byrne to gain top-level employment keeping a size five football out of a goal measuring 8 foot high by 24 foot wide may be summed up in this one brilliant quote from the great man himself, as follows: (Here it comes. Are you ready??)

“He was just a little bit small.”

Wow.

On hearing such transcendental genius from the lips of the antipodean master, FIFA immediately capitulated, suspending both Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini to pave the way for Kewell to take over as the game’s omnipotent overlord. Football’s governing body faces stiff competition from the United Nations, who want the Aussie as their new Secretary General, and it is believed that British TV have approached Kewell’s current employers Watford FC to test their resolve to keep him, as they want his unparalleled intellect to replace the Eggheads team in its entirety, and take on all-comers on his own.

Moves are also afoot Down Under to strip Kewell of his Aussie nationality, as an IQ in excess of 65 is illegal in that part of the world. Clive James was deported under this provision many years ago, and the reverse legislation has enabled many emigrant Britons to make a new life in less mentally demanding circumstances.

Having proved himself in the genius stakes, Kewell is now thinking of taking up chess. “I tried it last year with a head-to-head challenge against Joey Essex, but he somehow beat me,” explained the former Liverpool shirker. “Now I feel more confident, so I’ll be having another go, maybe against someone even more cleverer this time.” 

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12 responses to “Genius Kewell’s Brilliant Theory on Why 5’8″ Leeds Keeper Didn’t Make It – by Rob Atkinson

  1. Pingback: Genius Kewell’s Brilliant Theory on Why 5’8″ Leeds Keeper Didn’t Make It – by Rob Atkinson | Sports Droid

  2. Ah the sarcasm against Judas was delicious ha! Hope he gets the reception he deserves when he lands in ER.

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  3. dave sales

    Sorry Rob but not your best. I am no fan of Mr Kewell (like all Leeds fans I guess) but its not like you to call tall people ‘lanky’ or people of 5.8 ‘short houses’ when will you come up with something about the ‘German and Italian’ coupling during the second world war not working, just like it isn’t at our beloved club? thought it might be the next on your agenda since you are questioning the I.Q of Australians? Not having a dig but think you can (and normally do) come up with better.

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  4. Jaffa of Essex County

    Very disrespectful to a former hero of mine, Joey Essex doesn’t deserve such remarks.

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  5. My IQ is just over 65, but even I must protest that you even mention the unmentionable’s name in your august blog. K****l is a KC registered, gold-plated, 100% tool who should be assigned to the dustbin of LUFC history where he belongs.

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  6. Pity you always carry on the same juvenile crap when talking about Kewell. He was a great player and you seem to have forgotten the years he was at the club winning games. Who gives a toss what sort of person he is. We’ve had plenty of ordinary people play in for Leeds and he certainly won’t be the last. As well, he had nothing to do with the deaths of those Leeds supporters, so cut the crap about him and those 2 poor boys. Get over it lads!

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    • Well, that’s a point of view, but it seems ignorant of the real issue that most genuine (I emphasise that word genuine) Leeds fans seem to get. Namely that it beggars belief how Kewell, who was with the squad for that fateful trip and experienced the hatred of those awful animals the day after the murders, could possibly then choose to join such a degraded and disgusting club. If you really don’t see that, it’s your own lookout. But it’s what puts Kewell beyond the pale for this blog, and he will continue to be subjected to as much abuse here as I see fit to throw at him. If you don’t like it, feel free to do one – you should be supporting Millwall anyway.

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  7. sniffersshorts v superwoman

    don’t know why you even discuss this knob end … we have bigger fish to fry if we take that fat c..t Evans on I give really give up …. even tractor mouth would be a better bet ……. 1 wheel on my wagon and I am still singing along yikkety yakkety when will it end RED BULL COME AND BUY US PLEAASSSSSSE

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  8. Bet you weren’t expecting them reactions Rob me neither. Kewell is a legitimate target always will be and if you’re tall you’re lanky or if you’re small a wee short ass .Get a sense of humour you lot. Kewell will NEVER be forgiven for the ultimate betrayal with the throat slitting animals.

    I agree your average aussie is not dumb but they are descended from convicts. One last thing. Joey Essex is as thick as pig sh*t!

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    • There are no surprises any more, mate. If I blogged that it’ll be November soon, I’d get some outraged pillock abusively disagreeing. I bin most of them, just publish the funny ones to out the eejits. Can’t fault your logic, in any respect! MOT

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