Leeds Blog Statement: The Football League: an Apology   –   by Rob Atkinson

The Football League board - definitely not muppets

The Football League board – definitely not muppets

Over the past year or two, Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything, in common with other, similar online publications which are motivated by their sometimes emotionally-fuelled support of Leeds United AFC, may have given the impression that the Football League is somehow unfit for purpose and should not, in fact, be entrusted even with such a relatively minor responsibility as organising a piss-up in a brewery.

We may further have led readers to believe that the League is run by vicious and vindictive old men who are motivated by some long-standing grudge against Leeds United; that these old men are buffoons who exhibit symptoms not inconsistent with late-onset Alzheimer’s; moreover, that there is some Machiavellian plot within the League organisation to do Leeds down and impede their development and progress at every opportunity.

Headlines such as “Football League Seeking to Destroy Leeds“, “Time For The Senile FL Buffoons to be Put Out to Grass” and “The Football League: Why Even the Tories Have More Integrity” may unintentionally have reinforced the idea that this blog is not 100% behind the English Football authorities’ attempts to assess the suitability of Massimo Cellino to be in charge of a League Club. 

We now realise, in the light of recent events, that there was not an atom of truth in any of the above. We are happy to make clear that Football League governors are not “senile buffoons” as they have been previously and incorrectly referred to, but are, in fact, almost saintly men of impeccable wisdom and unfailing kindness, motivated only by a desire to see good practice flourish among member clubs.

We would like to take this opportunity to state for the record that Leeds United as a club have received entirely fair treatment from the Football League in the course of what was definitely not a vendetta against the club. We can further assure our many dozens of readers that any impression previously given, to the effect that Signor Cellino is some latter-day Messiah, is and was absolutely unintended and erroneous. We can confirm our unshakeable position that Cellino is a convicted fraudster, something far more heinous than certain rapists and money launderers who adorn the Football League family, and that he should be publicly pilloried and then frogmarched into the Channel to take his chances on swimming home. 

Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything is a reputable internet resource that knows which side its bread is buttered. We trust that our position is now both clear and unambiguous – and we look forward to continuing to bring you The Truth as we may, from time to time, see it over the coming weeks and months.

Statement ends

Dictated by our Satire & Litigation Executive, and signed off (in his temporary absence on a sabbatical at Private Eye magazine), by a handy minion. 

26 responses to “Leeds Blog Statement: The Football League: an Apology   –   by Rob Atkinson

  1. I.R. Baboon

    Outraged that you should compare my kind to that bunch of coffin Dodgers. At least when we throw sh@t at people it doesn’t get us points deducted. You will of course find it difficult to prove they have reposible thumbs as they are jammed firmly up their arsenals !


  2. Sometimes it’s just best to get these things off your chest rob


  3. He’s not the Messiah, he’s a naughty boy!

    This, as you know Rob, is traditionally the season of impossible comebacks for Messianic figures.

    So we won’t be surprised if our divine pantheon which has been torn apart by some satanic and occult demonic force, can be reunited in preperation for the promised future greatness, where we shall witness our No1 messiah soon to return, who will resurrect our No3 messiah from the dead, so that he can be reunited with our No2 messiah,thereby reuniting the holy trinity and taking us all from Ell to heaven.

    On the other hand it could all go tits up and the family silver… nay, gold, will be plundered.


  4. The sooner Cellino sells up and takes his cronies with him, then maybe Leeds can stop being a laughing stock and start to move forward, instead of sideways or backwards.
    I am no fan of the Football League, but they obviously could see just how unfit Cellino really was to run Leeds and they are right, for once.
    When Cellino does finally go, let’s hope that the corrupt Football League tells the referees to reinstate penalty kicks for Leeds again, instead of constantly denying dead cert penalties for Leeds, on purpose, just to punish the team for Cellino’s battles against the Football League.


  5. That can’t possibly be a photo of the FL Board Rob, because it’s really a recent photo from inside the Leeds United Boardroom.
    L-R: Daniel Arty (guitar, will play any tune MC wants), Phil Hay (press hat), Nicola Salerno, Eleonora Cellino, Massimo Cellino (chef’s hat), Gianpaolo Caboni (chook, front), Andrew Umbers (spectacles), Salem Patel (vest), Ercole & Edoardo Cellino (two ginger lads), and Ken Bates (beard) who had popped over the road to proxy for Jinesh Patel (absent).


  6. DRIPPING…I don’t care how much you squeeze that sponge…it won’t help!


  7. Not sure about this at all Rob. We haven’t seen or heard from Cellino, so shouldn’t judge too soon. He may be forced out and it may turn out to be a blessing in disguise but I could never describe the FL in those terms. I am as perplexed as anyone about recent events and piss up and brewery come to mind in terms of the current board. If Cellino sells our young stars however, that will be a different matter entirely. It will be a betrayal of the highest magnitude. Let’s hope that we soon have talented and fair new owners who can put things right.


    • There WAS just a hint of tongue in cheek. I was trying to convey the fact that I’ve just no idea what to think from one day to the next. It’s often said that our beloved club treats its fans like mushrooms – feed us a load of crap and keep us in the dark. Very true, I fear.


    • Blues
      Cellinos making statements that others are contradicting, The guys an idiot and we cant be successful with that going on in the back ground……Hes evidently lied about Salerno and Thompson falling out too


  8. David Dean

    Two glimmers of hope – TOMA again or Cellino eating humble pie and blame it all on the fools in charge in his absence. To go back to trust and a good relationship Redders needs Thomson reinstated and to be made the manager, not head coach. Redders needs a new contract and cash to splash. If Redders is happy we might all fall in love with Cellino again. Pigs don’t fly though.


  9. Philip of Spain.

    The truth is Rob.We are still fumbling about in the dark as per the last ten years or so.I have no doubt that,Byram,Cook and Mowatt will be wearing a different coloured shirt in August and the odds dictate,Red looks favourite.We might as well have Mr.Pastry ( Younger readers,Google it.)in charge.God what a shambles……


  10. Kevin Wilson

    Very entertaining piece as usual Rob but I can’t bring myself to agree with your sentiments about the FL. Just because Cellino has showed himself to be a complete arse doesn’t improve the other arses at the FL. As Mr Galloway would say; ‘ Different cheeks of the same arse’. A plague on both their houses (or arses)!


  11. There is only two options. Cellino does not come back, or is prevented by the judiciary. The club is put up for sale, we sell all our best assets, back to square one.
    Cellino comes back, buys back Elland Road, negotiates contracts to keep our best talent at Leeds, retains Redders and injects capital to go forward and build on this season by investing in two or three proven, quality players. Push for promotion.
    Anything else is unacceptable. Believe me, I’m not holding my breath.


  12. milano whites

    The test will be how many youngsters, hopefully none, are flogged off in the summer. I too had hoped that the Mad Hatter would invite us fans to the tea party but fear he is morphing into the Queen of Tarts, and I dont mean the ones you eat. Off with his head…MOT/YRA


  13. milano whites

    Heyup to Mick and Chas, with whom I am familiar with from YEP….MOT lads


  14. sniffersshorts v superwoman

    someone give Russell the nod again please, and who ever is leaving the lights on in ER continue to do so it will definitely piss the Italian off , oh I forgot he cant go there again for the time being


  15. Philip of Spain.

    The Football League,The Football League,least of our worries. Its the appointment of our latest,manager,coach,cone shifter,tea maker that’s the real concern.Trouble personified,a man who could cause a riot in an empty room.He talks,comitment and hunger,the latter a feeling that him and his sidekick look as if they haven’t experienced for a while.We are now desperately trawling the depths.If it wasn’t so tragic I would piss my pants.


  16. I was in the cellino camp, not any more.
    The Fl are right to find him not fit and proper but for the wrong reasons,£40 grand unpaid tax and banned for the rest of the season .this punishment is totally out of proportion for the law broken and just puts another nail in our coffin. Had they banned him for being mentally unbalanced then I would have agreed 100 percent, I gusse now we will have a transfare imbargo forced on us .
    I live on the sunny side of the hills and am sick and fed up of Bolton and Wigan fans taking the piss every Friday night out.
    Never mind there’s always next season????.


  17. mrbigwheels

    I can see your ‘mellow’ approach to the FL and I really feel there is a God in the FL offices, reference their recent banning order with Cellino. What I have had buzzing in my head, is the timing of that said announcement. Perhaps you’ve had thoughts on this?.

    Ponder on this… please.
    When was Cellino informed of the decision?. Yesterday or last week?. Prior to the announcement from Cellino reference away ticket allocation (which doesn’t make sense to any away support), or not is my question and if before, then this has a tremendous bearing on what Cellino will do next and if indeed he has already fired a shot or two over the FL offices while doing cut and paste of his Coaching Staff yesterday, imo.
    This is an owner that is not fit and proper. He’s a wide boy that thinks he’s above the law of his land and ours. He ‘doesn’t understand’.
    He’s a master of spin and always needs someone or something to blame / hide behind, justifying his position and actions. A manipulator.
    Worst of all he is not sincere within his character… to the fans.
    If he was notified late last week then I’m suggesting (as has appeared in several red tops), C’s blame for everything that happened yesterday is all the fault of the FL, they are driving this Club into the ground and against everything ”I am trying to do for the Club I love”.
    Don’t lose sight that this man is more clever than Bates. Lies better than George Osborne and possesses an even greater capacity to slip away than the proverbial eel.
    With further court cases coming in which the FL are bound to ‘support’, I’m suggesting his time will come to back out of Leeds which won’t be his fault of course and Cellino is going to put up an awful messy fight with the FL, causing physical and financial devastation to the Club. Perhaps we ‘aint seen nothing yet’. Cagliari certainly have.
    My buzzing hope is that the FL are going to be the gang in the OK Coral that will be singing… ‘I shot the Sheriff’… but quickly.

    Please keep ‘mellowing’ Rob.
    Thanks for your article.


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