Further to the forthcoming callous betrayal of the incumbent Leeds United manager, a vacancy for Head Coach, or whatever, is about to arise at Elland Road. We will require a biddable yes-man to take responsibility for the failure of a morale-sapped collection of second-tier footballers. This is a vital position; somebody very special is needed to massage the President‘s ego.
You must have a proven track record of obsequious fawning to superiors and to their families. You should also have a concrete record of professional achievement in football, yet somehow also be lacking in pride, self-esteem and any ambition to work on your own initiative. You may be required to clean out dressing rooms and to testify on the club’s behalf when inevitable discrimination cases are brought by discarded former employees. A casual relationship with the truth would be a distinct advantage.
Media savvy, you will hold of first importance the necessity of using the phrase “the President is giving me his full backing”, at every opportunity. You may also use other forms of praise for the President; you may not IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCES seek to be more popular with the supporters than the President. Use of what is known as “the Leeds Salute” is also BANNED in any circumstances. After any victory, you will acknowledge the role and inestimable contribution of The President. After draws or defeats, you will make grateful references to the President‘s benign patience, and you will explain the mistakes you have made and how, with the President‘s guidance, you intend to avoid such mistakes in future. You will appreciate the importance of not “bigging yourself up” – there’s only one star in this show, and it ain’t you*.
You will have vital input into player recruitment. You will outline to the President the type, character and identity of players you feel the club should acquire, with full reasons. You will then undertake to get the best out of the quite different players the club actually does acquire, even though these players will almost certainly not be ones you would identify as good enough. The names you have identified will be for the sole use of the President, who, when things go wrong, will point to them as the players he really wanted to sign.
You will also have vital input into team selection. You shall personally write out the team sheet in the presence of the President, as per his dictation. Shorthand skills are not necessary. The President will speak slowly and clearly, for the benefit of those who can’t understand plain Italian.
Applications should be addressed, for reasons of security, to “il Duce, Elland Road”. Your remuneration package shall relate directly to your age, experience and subservient attitude. Length of contract shall be decided one week prior to your dismissal by mutual agreement with the President, whose word is law; you shall be debarred from talking to the press for a period of (to be agreed unilaterally).
This is a golden opportunity for the right man to enjoy a spell struggling against impossible odds, in the full glare of the media spotlight, before disappearing into obscurity with a shredded reputation. If you think that YOU could be this man, you’re probably stupid and lacking in any professional qualities or indeed the common sense to realise you’ll be just another patsy; The President would warmly welcome your application.
*It’s the President.
LEEDS UNITED AFC IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES EMPLOYER. NO, REALLY. WHO’S THAT LAUGHING AT THE BACK THERE? HAVE THAT MAN REMOVED IMMEDIATELY.