Massimo Cellino Looking for Ideal Man as Leeds United Manager   –   by Rob Atkinson



Further to the forthcoming callous betrayal of the incumbent Leeds United manager, a vacancy for Head Coach, or whatever, is about to arise at Elland Road. We will require a biddable yes-man to take responsibility for the failure of a morale-sapped collection of second-tier footballers. This is a vital position; somebody very special is needed to massage the President‘s ego.

You must have a proven track record of obsequious fawning to superiors and to their families. You should also have a concrete record of professional achievement in football, yet somehow also be lacking in pride, self-esteem and any ambition to work on your own initiative. You may be required to clean out dressing rooms and to testify on the club’s behalf when inevitable discrimination cases are brought by discarded former employees. A casual relationship with the truth would be a distinct advantage.

Media savvy, you will hold of first importance the necessity of using the phrase “the President is giving me his full backing”, at every opportunity. You may also use other forms of praise for the President; you may not IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCES seek to be more popular with the supporters than the President. Use of what is known as “the Leeds Salute” is also BANNED in any circumstances. After any victory, you will acknowledge the role and inestimable contribution of The President. After draws or defeats, you will make grateful references to the President‘s benign patience, and you will explain the mistakes you have made and how, with the President‘s guidance, you intend to avoid such mistakes in future. You will appreciate the importance of not “bigging yourself up” – there’s only one star in this show, and it ain’t you*.

You will have vital input into player recruitment. You will outline to the President the type, character and identity of players you feel the club should acquire, with full reasons. You will then undertake to get the best out of the quite different players the club actually does acquire, even though these players will almost certainly not be ones you would identify as good enough. The names you have identified will be for the sole use of the President, who, when things go wrong, will point to them as the players he really wanted to sign.

You will also have vital input into team selection. You shall personally write out the team sheet in the presence of the President, as per his dictation. Shorthand skills are not necessary. The President will speak slowly and clearly, for the benefit of those who can’t understand plain Italian.

Applications should be addressed, for reasons of security, to “il Duce, Elland Road”. Your remuneration package shall relate directly to your age, experience and subservient attitude. Length of contract shall be decided one week prior to your dismissal by mutual agreement with the President, whose word is law; you shall be debarred from talking to the press for a period of (to be agreed unilaterally).

This is a golden opportunity for the right man to enjoy a spell struggling against impossible odds, in the full glare of the media spotlight, before disappearing into obscurity with a shredded reputation. If you think that YOU could be this man, you’re probably stupid and lacking in any professional qualities or indeed the common sense to realise you’ll be just another patsy; The President would warmly welcome your application.

*It’s the President.

LEEDS UNITED AFC IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES EMPLOYER. NO, REALLY. WHO’S THAT LAUGHING AT THE BACK THERE? HAVE THAT MAN REMOVED IMMEDIATELY.

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28 responses to “Massimo Cellino Looking for Ideal Man as Leeds United Manager   –   by Rob Atkinson

  1. Good stuff. Il Duce puts Kim Wrong Un in the shade, he’d do really well in North Korea. Isn’t it all so futile and sad though. We are nothing more than a plaything to Cellino. He’s loving Lording it over anything and everything connected to the club. He’s vindictive and unscrupulous. The only way to get rid is to starve him of funds. Feel for Evans. We will continue to wither and die unless Cellino goes.

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  2. Love your work Rob this really made me chuckle. My management experience at the busiest McDonalds in the centre of Leeds and my Football Manager experience makes me an obvious candidate. On a serious note, Evans needs to stay! Continuity on the pitch is what matters! Can’t see it happening though!

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  3. Scally Lad

    Clever and entertaining post, Rob, but the bottom line in this matter if Steve Evans is that the guy is a loser. He has a 36% winning percentage here, and he’s consigned us, again, to the bottom half of the Championship. Cellino’s faults aside, Evans is not up to the job. The lads are uninspired by him; witness how rarely they play with any brightness and imagination. The leadership and skill sets for a side aiming to enter the Premiership are not there. If Evans doesn’t get the sack, next year promises more of the same.

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  4. Even the great Giovanni Trapattoni lasted only 7.5 months under ‘il dunce’ so what chance do ordinary managers have?

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  5. After the shocking way that Steve Evans has been treat by Cellino in the last few days, I really hope that Evans walks out now and straight into a managers job, at one of the three or four clubs, who will welcome him with open arms.
    Otherwise Evans, who is obviously a dead man walking, could be waiting to hear from Cellino for a few weeks and then end up getting the usual humiliating sacking, just like McDermott and Redfearn received, from the bullying dictator.
    Once again, just like under Redfearn, there is absolutely no appreciation from Cellino, to the Coach, who has once again prevented Leeds from being relegated to League 1, with probably the worst Leeds squad ever.
    Apart from Lucy Ward, why does nobody stand up or speak out against Cellino for once and rub his nose in it, just like he rubs everybody else’s nose in it.

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  6. Clearly Evans has the world at his feet when his contract his up in June.(hardly a betrayal by the way). The way some people talk his less than modest achievements up he’ll be replacing Zidane,Enrique or even Ranieri. When his own players admit that the squad should have finished further up the table,that’s proof enough that they were lacking guidance and nous. When the coach is so needy he has to use the oppositions testimonies to stay in his job its proof that he’s not just a Charlatan but a very lucky man. He can now put Leeds United on his cv and tell his grandchildren. I promise you there was more chance of Michelle Obama admitting he’s a bloke than Leeds going up under Evans. CELLINO if you are any of your clan are reading this,Nigel Pearson is your man. And can everyone stop referring to him as ” Il Duce)? He’s certainly a twat but not THAT bad,no one would have dreamed of referring to Rosler as The Fuhrer.

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  7. sniffershorts

    Evans above ! Rob

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  8. In a previous blog I acknowledged your point that Evans tendency to talk a lot coukd be due to a feeling of insecurity induced by his unpredictable employer. Alternatively or additionally it may also be a sign that he finds it difficult to cope with the pressure of managing a big club like ours, especially one with an unusually involved fan base and incessant media probing and analysis. If there is anything in this suggestion, then a capacity to keep one’s own counsel (by which I do not mean inarticulate) and to keep as much as possible in-house, are needed to be a successful Leeds manager. Revie, Wilkinson and Graham stand out among our Managers in this regard. Pearson and Lambert among currently unemployed Managets appear to fit the bill; but would anyone of this quality want to work under Cellino ?

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  9. Tired and bored of all the nonsense can someone please wake me up when we get a genuine owner that’s more interested in filling er then there bank account

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  10. sniffershorts

    I can see a Nottingham forest scenario all over again Evans wins championship wins premiership wins champions league who with Forest

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  11. If like I expect , cellino finally has a major recruitment drive this summer and spends , or rather invests , his millions on a decent squad to challenge for the league title , or a least a play off place… then we have to ask ourselves would we give Steve Evans our millions and tell him to go and build a great team , personally I’m not convinced , don’t get me wrong I do like Evans , he’s showed more passion for the job than most I’ve seen at ER in 45yrs of supporting them but it comes back to would I trust him to spend my millions , really not sure rob,, oh and I do believe cellino is going to spend a lot this summer

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  12. I am totally in disagreement with all comments which state that this is the worst squad we have ever had. IT ISN’T. Not by a long way.
    Some one suggested that we must keep Steve Evans because we need “continuity on the pitch” l would suggest that this is precisely the reason why we did not finish in a challenging position. He did not keep continuity on the pitch, either in personel, or the positions in which they played. Apart from Silvestri, Taylor, Berardi and Wood who only missed games through illness or injury, there are no other players who played continuously in the same “natural positions” week in week out. Success is built on confidence, teamwork and understanding how your teammate thinks. You can not achieve that with a constantly changing formation and team. Compare the performances of Bamba and Mowatt, this season to last, neither had a good season, as they were in and out of the team, yet last year they were key players, because the played regularly. This season, Doukara had improved cosiderably after a continuous spell in the team, yet slipped back when he was in and out, after Wood returned from injury.Played in position, Cook is for most games superb, but how many times was he asked to play out of position, where he lost his affectiveness.
    All down to management selection. When we can more than hold our own against the top sides,there is not much wrong with the squad, its the tactics and selections which need addressing, why is why a top class manager is required. Come in David Moyse. ?.. Please.

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    • Moyse or any other high profile manager is surely a foolish dream. Who’s going to work for that mad idiot?

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    • Hear,hear IBA. Except for the Moyes bit mind. He’s had his chance at Everton and was happy to plod along and make up the numbers. Sheridan? Good player,been around as a manager but nothing special which is a pre-requisite for the job under this idiot. Whoever takes over as coach would be well advised to give Joey Barton whatever he wants to play for us. Vinnie was hated before he signed as was Chris Kamara but they were both battlers for us.

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  13. Evans as failed in most departments this season, tactically ,formation, team selection, the man was fighting for his job and he still managed to lose games at home to utter garbage teams, no sign of passion or motivation, or consistency ,he as fallen short of what is required.

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