In his first act following his shock US Election victory, President Elect Donald Trump has revealed that, in an early effort to strengthen links between the USA and Great Britain, he is in advanced talks with Leeds United owner Massimo Cellino for a total buyout of the Elland Road club.
Mr. Cellino refused to answer questions about the takeover this morning, saying only: “You think you no find owner madder than Big Mass, hey? Ha! Va’ fa Napoli!!” A spokesman for Mr. Trump, however, was more forthcoming, stating that the deal was imminent and that the terms included the appointment of Cellino as Attorney General in the initial Trump administration.
Early indications are that Trump plans to develop the Elland Road stadium as a matter of priority, with the building of two or three skyscrapers on the site of the existing West Stand, as well as a wall around the LS11 postal code, to be paid for by the local Mexican Taco Takeaway franchise.
Current team boss Garry Monk was unconcerned by the change in ownership, advising that it would be “business as usual”. Rumours that the grass banking in the West Stand car park is to be referred to henceforth as a “grassy knoll” have neither been confirmed nor denied.
President Elect Trump himself said that he’d had a tiring week, that he was exultant over the greatest achievement of his life, and that all his thoughts and efforts were now concentrated on beating Newcastle United and Liverpool.