Will Leeds United Really Get a Penalty Tomorrow, Vindicating Nostradamus? – by Rob Atkinson


Nostradamus - not the actual bit that says Morison will notch on Tuesday

Nostradamus – not the actual bit that says Leeds will get a spot kick tomorrow

An ancient verse of the mediaeval soothsayer Michel de Nostredame, better known in modern times as Nostradamus, has startlingly been interpreted as a firm prediction that Leeds United will be awarded a penalty in tomorrow’s home fixture against Bristol City.

The nailed-on prediction will come as good news for United fans, who have not seen their favourites given a spot kick for more than a year now – despite many feasible claims during the 55 games over that time. The Nostradamus prediction appears quite specific; the verse in question – technically known as a quatrain – is reproduced below. As can plainly be understood, the ancient prophet has seen in the stars at least one penalty for the Whites, together with a Leeds United victory.

“Northern wind will cause the siege to be raised / Nearby the path of the hollowed mountains / Two great beasts, one will oppose and one assail / Drinking by force the waters of the Chalice triumphant.”

The mention of “hollowed mountains” nearby – a transparent reference to the Pennines separating East from West – indicates opponents from the Occident. The two great beasts are, of course, a Bristolian defender (opposing) and a United striker (assailing). “Drinking by force the waters”, etc …. well, I’ve told you enough already. Got to leave you something to work out for yourselves.

Leeds manager Marco Bielsa is delighted to see his patience being rewarded. “Bueno,” said the United coach, fluently, before mumbling unintelligibly in Spanish and then favouring us with a charming smile.

Bristol City, for their part, are not convinced about the authenticity of this supposed ancient prophecy. “We’ll be watching our defensive work, certainly,” confirmed a club insider, “but we’ve made no special plans. We can’t simply assume that we’re going to concede a historically unlikely penalty just because of some mouldy old verse. Besides which, we’ve seen another quatrain from the National Library, and that clearly states the one you’ve got is bollocks.”

Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything, however, is utterly convinced by the prediction and is prepared publicly to endorse it. Leeds United will get a penalty at home to Bristol City tomorrow – count on it. Even put money on it, if you like*. Some blog readers have already declared their solemn intent to “lump on”. So you can take our word for it. Leeds to get a pen, and Pablo, as he did back in the mists of time, will miss it. Definitely

* Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything can accept no responsibility for money lost in wagers, bets, flutters, accas or wild-eyed punts. Sorry.

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48 responses to “Will Leeds United Really Get a Penalty Tomorrow, Vindicating Nostradamus? – by Rob Atkinson

  1. That’s all I needed rob ,,
    the piggy bank has been broken open and it’s off to paddy power in the morning , Mrs O isn’t too pleased , she’d been saving up for Jimmy choo shoes but I’ve assured her that a dead french profit and rob just can’t be wrong

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  2. derbyshire white

    Morison has the added incentive that the Brighton manager let him go in order to sign Becchio when in charge of Norwich. I reckon you’re on to something and I might just put a few bob on this one Rob

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  3. Im keeping the faith Rob fiver on Morison to score 3. He might just do it to piss off his old boss.

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  4. Blimey Rob, was that Redders feeling vindicated, or Richard Dunn? ‘Coss it sounded, ye no, like Richard like…

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  5. Confucius said ‘When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps’. Confucius talked bollocks however, so Ive turned this quote around 180 degrees, popped down to Brighton and (in the interests of my fellow supporters lining their pockets with immorally gained wads of cash from sinful gambling) moved the goalposts inwards by 20 yards and widened them by 2 yards.
    One day, this Confucius quote will be removed from google and replaced by own version….
    Martin said ‘ When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the actions steps, cheat’. This ensuring my own google immortality and allowing Steve Morison to bag a hat trick at Brighton 🙂

    (PS Never had this much fun on that sofa !!)

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  6. Well I had my doubts a couple of months ago about atteding the Cardiff game with 18 lads from NZ….I build LUFC up but even I was concerned that we would be sat in the bottom three scratching for points by the time we arrive in Leeds….as it turns out, at this rate by April 11th we could be pushing for the playoffs and you never know Morrison could be our leading goal scorer by then !! Stranger things (especially at LS11) have happened !

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    • Good to hear from you Jon – it so happens I’ve just rerun the piece about your lads and their forthcoming UK visit. It’d be wonderful if Leeds’ good form could last until then and allow you to watch some Welsh dragons being slain! Have you been in touch with the club at all? I’d like to think they might make a fuss of you all!

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      • Hi Rob, would be great if they are still on this great run when we arrive !! Yep contacted the club but not heard back yet ? I’ll resend today as it would be great if they could do something for the lads….although 3 points on 11th April would be start !!! Thanks for the rerun of the story !!

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      • No worries, Jon, hope someone at the club is polite enough to respond 👍

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  7. Nigel Baker

    What did Nostrodamus say about Max Gradel coming back?

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  8. David Smith

    Rob, very funny ….please let it happen!

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  9. AllWhiteNow

    Nostradamus… Morison…..goal….Brighton on a Tues night….neural connections nicely heated up then Rob? 🙂

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  10. Just to update you rob , I took the lad to Thorpe arch last week ,, he had four 20 min games and scored in 3 of them so hopefully he’s done enough to get noticed ,, MOT

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  11. “Drinking by force the waters”
    I’ve sussed that one Rob, it’s a nice way of saying “taking the piss” , as taught by bear grylls in his appropriately named ‘mission survive’. (a prophecy in it’s self as it hasen’t been shown yet).

    Yorkshire folk have always had an affinity with ‘old Nosty’ after it was revealed his methods involved a brass tripod, and as you know Tykes are fond of brass.

    Keep up the great research Rob.

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  12. I’ve heard the Football League are not concerned in these kind of prophecies. The only ones they are interested in are those of Nostrelanus.

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  13. Ok rob , I’ve had a fiver on morison to score first and win 2-0 , also a fiver on him and 2-1
    So here’s hoping the dead prophet society is right , COME ON MORRO

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  14. Seen the stuff about cellino quiting rob?

    Just when we look like being a force next season.

    Well done shaun fucking harvey, operation shit on Leeds, mission acomplished

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  15. Odds on Morison hat-trick and a 5-0 win Ten Thousand to one.ROB

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  16. Im a bit mad Rob thats true but not totally bonkers. Thats all i want tonight is a win .

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  17. RoystonLUFC

    I reckon Nostradamus has shares in Paddy Power. Bugger!

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    • The man himself has been in touch from beyond the grave to give a surprisingly frank and accessible interview, including an apology for getting the Morison thing wrong. He mounts a bullish defence of his track record and reveals that there is a strong Leeds faction in the afterlife who are giving him some grievous stick right now.

      Highlights of Nostradamus: the First Interview for 500 Years – coming soon to #LLUUE Don’t miss it!

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  18. Can you get in touch with him and say there is strong Leeds faction in the real life who are doing the same,he,s a bloody jinx and he,s related to Shaun Harvey no wonder were dammed.

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  19. Theres more chance of Michelle Obama being a bloke than of us getting a pen tomorrow……hold on though.

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  20. Reality Cheque

    I tried to put a tenner on the Brexit backstop ending before Leeds United get awarded a penalty Rob, but the bookie just laughed and said they don’t take bets on any such absolutely nailed on certainties! Clearly, our unlucky relationship with match officials is becoming well known amongst bookies!!

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  21. Life is LUFC

    I was merrily reading this through plus the replies and getting just a little confused, being over 60 I thought that explained everything. Then this Morrison name cropped up and Brighton and I was convinced I had totally lost the plot. Look at the date I thought and I am really glad I did, I’m not as daft as I thought, daft yes, totally and and utterly lost in space no, phew a few more days of free thinking available. In future Rob if you are going to re-cycle please put a warning in the header.
    Nostradamus and his crystal ball has no chance whilst the gypsy curse is still in place but a penalty or two would be nice……please.

    Like

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