Tag Archives: Carson Yeung

League Hope for Leeds Ownership Decision “Before Next Ice Age” – by Rob Atkinson


Shaun Harvey: no axe to grind, honest guv.

The Football League today moved to quell growing concern at the continued delay in reaching a decision on the proposed takeover of Leeds United by Eleonora Sports.  League spokesman Lee D. Shater confirmed in a brief statement that “it is envisaged a decision can be reached sometime in the present glacial period”.  The prediction, which nails down the potential notification date to sometime in the next 5.7 million years, would seem to fly in the face of letters from Leeds United Football Club to the Football League, requesting that the matter be concluded by last Thursday. Mr Shater was dismissive of this request, stating that it was “unfeasible”. The League would, he said, stick by its 5.7 million year timescale – though he did add that the effects of global warming could potentially stretch this out to as much as 8.9 million years.

The reaction at Elland Road was philosophical.  “We didn’t really expect to hear by last Thursday,” a source advised Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything. “We were just hoping to apply a little subtle pressure with a view to hearing some positive news, perhaps by the end of the century”. The proposed timescale of “sometime within this geothermal epoch” has caused some scratching of heads at the club, where officials confirm that all paperwork has been submitted and that everything should be in place for an announcement at any time.

ImageThe latest from the League is that part of the delay has been down to their desire to recruit a new non-executive member of the Football League board, who would be envisaged to have some vital input into the decision-making process. One surprise name in the frame is that of Birmingham City owner Carson Yeung.  The fact that Yeung is currently in jail in China is not seen as an obstacle to his involvement in the Cellino case.  “Carson is still the owner of Birmingham City, and we feel that his particular experience will prove vital in determining the suitability of Massimo Cellino to be the owner of one of the Football League family of clubs,” said Mr Shater, shredding a file marked “Documents requested from Leeds”.  A prominent sports lawyer later confirmed that Yeung’s criminal record could be of positive relevance in the Leeds case. “After all, it takes a thief to catch a thief”, he winked cheekily.

Shaun Harvey is irretrievably bent.

Cellino “Suspected of Eating Pasta” Shock in Yet Another League Delay – by Rob Atkinson


Massimo Cellino – depraved “foreign” eating habits

Just as reports are indicating that prospective Leeds owner Massimo Cellino is likely to be cleared of tax evasion charges – which had been expected to delay his confirmation as a “fit and proper person” by the Football League – a new shock has come to light.  Sources at the League claim to have irrefutable proof that the King of Corn has, at various times, “used pasta”, habitually eating different varieties such as, allegedly: linguini, ravioli and even spaghetti at family meals where his own children were also encouraged to practice this vile and revolting habit.

A Football League spokesman emphasised the seriousness of these new allegations.  “This has an even graver significance than the tax-evasion thing, which sadly begins to look like a dead duck.  But Cellino could be bang to rights on this sickening pasta allegation.  If true, it would definitely put him beyond the pale as far as we’re concerned.  Anybody looking to have charge of an English league club should be eating traditional Olde English fayre – like Chicken Tikka Massala, for instance.  Or hamburgers.”

Quizzed on rumours that there may even be further charges pending against Cellino, the spokesman – the Football League’s Officer in Charge of the Anti-Leeds United Team, based in Salford – would only confirm that a few “new rules” could yet act to delay even further the resolution of the Leeds ownership saga.  “We’ve tried to be proactive about this in the interests of our broader membership,” he said.  “To that end, we’ve acted to make illegal a few disconcertingly worrying factors, including but not limited to: possession of the wrong shade of olive skin (as compared to that nice and badly misjudged Mr Carson Yeung), any tendency to speak Latin languages of Roman descent and, last but not least, possession of an amount of money likely to lead to a vulgar degree of success for any club with LS11 in its postcode.

“Rest assured – we’ve plenty up our sleeves yet to deal with Signor Cellino, if those Johnny Foreigner courts in Sardinia let us down, oh my word yes. We owe it to our football supporters in this country and even more so to the memory of the late, great Saint Alan Hardaker.”

When we suggested that the League may appear to have some sort of vendetta against Leeds, we were advised: “The Football League Xenophobia Sub-Committee does not approve of those nasty, dirty Italian motor-bikes – so we’ve no idea what you’re on about.”

Asked for his response, Massimo Cellino was tight-lipped, merely stating cryptically: “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m going outside to eat vermicelli.”

Shaun Harvey is a certifiable lunatic.