Cellino “Suspected of Eating Pasta” Shock in Yet Another League Delay – by Rob Atkinson


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Massimo Cellino – depraved “foreign” eating habits

Just as reports are indicating that prospective Leeds owner Massimo Cellino is likely to be cleared of tax evasion charges – which had been expected to delay his confirmation as a “fit and proper person” by the Football League – a new shock has come to light.  Sources at the League claim to have irrefutable proof that the King of Corn has, at various times, “used pasta”, habitually eating different varieties such as, allegedly: linguini, ravioli and even spaghetti at family meals where his own children were also encouraged to practice this vile and revolting habit.

A Football League spokesman emphasised the seriousness of these new allegations.  “This has an even graver significance than the tax-evasion thing, which sadly begins to look like a dead duck.  But Cellino could be bang to rights on this sickening pasta allegation.  If true, it would definitely put him beyond the pale as far as we’re concerned.  Anybody looking to have charge of an English league club should be eating traditional Olde English fayre – like Chicken Tikka Massala, for instance.  Or hamburgers.”

Quizzed on rumours that there may even be further charges pending against Cellino, the spokesman – the Football League’s Officer in Charge of the Anti-Leeds United Team, based in Salford – would only confirm that a few “new rules” could yet act to delay even further the resolution of the Leeds ownership saga.  “We’ve tried to be proactive about this in the interests of our broader membership,” he said.  “To that end, we’ve acted to make illegal a few disconcertingly worrying factors, including but not limited to: possession of the wrong shade of olive skin (as compared to that nice and badly misjudged Mr Carson Yeung), any tendency to speak Latin languages of Roman descent and, last but not least, possession of an amount of money likely to lead to a vulgar degree of success for any club with LS11 in its postcode.

“Rest assured – we’ve plenty up our sleeves yet to deal with Signor Cellino, if those Johnny Foreigner courts in Sardinia let us down, oh my word yes. We owe it to our football supporters in this country and even more so to the memory of the late, great Saint Alan Hardaker.”

When we suggested that the League may appear to have some sort of vendetta against Leeds, we were advised: “The Football League Xenophobia Sub-Committee does not approve of those nasty, dirty Italian motor-bikes – so we’ve no idea what you’re on about.”

Asked for his response, Massimo Cellino was tight-lipped, merely stating cryptically: “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m going outside to eat vermicelli.”

Shaun Harvey is a certifiable lunatic.

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34 responses to “Cellino “Suspected of Eating Pasta” Shock in Yet Another League Delay – by Rob Atkinson

  1. Allan Winterburn

    Shaun Harvey should not be involved after he was sacked by Leeds only a few months back. More than a lunatic, a crook of the first order. The only person more detestable than him is guy who resides in Monaco with initials of KB.

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  2. The FL are not too keen on Rock music either Rob!!!
    We are two short of a 4 piece band!!!

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  3. Yes it would appear that there are a Fusili people at the FA and it’s getting pasta joke now. I think a few of the would like Leeds to Farfalle down the league. Someone at the FA should just get a Penne out and sign this whole thing off. Who knows, with Cellino’s backing we may even win a Trofie or two in years to come.

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  4. Great Article Rob ! Love your imagination – lets face it, you’re only saying what so so many Leeds fans suspect !!!
    Really cheered my Friday afternoon up (not that it really needs it)
    MOT

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  5. Ropey Wyla

    very amusing, and perilously close to reality methinks

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  6. David Smith

    Rob – thanks for keeping our spirits up – the media & football gods do appear to delight in winding us up though !

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  7. Is it really just coincidence that this obscure tax evasion charge has turned up at this exact moment in time – or is there truly a world-wide conspiracy against LUFC?
    I know what I think.

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  8. Cellino should open a tin of alphabet spaghetti and spell out exatcly where the FA can go rob

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  9. To Rob “Gnocchi” Atkinson…hysterical!

    (By the way, is the part about the tax evasion charges being dropped real? I couldn’t find anything on it on NewsNow?)

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  10. Something vexes thee?

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    • Verily, mate. Bleedin’ verily.

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      • hopefully there will be a swift conclusion, i doubt it but hopefully.. In the meen time lets give bolton some stick 2morrow.. 3-1 wickham to bag his 1st too.. hopefully wingers have a bit more joy thn recently..

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  11. Just one new owner give him to me.
    He is a criminal,
    but so are we?
    Superstitious?….
    and care free.
    he is chellllino from Italy!!,,!,,!,
    What do we think of Italy?
    Shit!
    what do we think of shit ?
    Manchester
    bank bank bank!!
    Manchester,
    bank bank bank!
    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
    whats z matter you haigh?

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  12. I’m starting to wonder if the big teams in the the Premiere are putting pressure on the F.A. to do whatever it can to not get this change in ownership to go through (especiallly if Cellino’s lawyer is calling this a farce.) Maybe they are starting to remember the old days when our fans used to travel to Highbury or Anfield or Old Trafford and gave our teams extremely vocal support. They also may be worried about the small percentage of fans that we have that can’t handle alcohol and could cause some trouble. Maybe they don’t want to see a resurgent LUFC

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  13. You may not know how close to the truth you are regarding football league xenophobia,they’ve got history. Or should i say- a previous baton carrier has,our charming friend mr hardaker who put the block on chelsea competing in a European competition in the 50s incase they had to play-and i quote “wogs and dagos”. God help Cellino when he lights a tab at ER,they’ll throw the book at him.

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  14. I HAVE A FEELING Cellino is playing with the FL dummies,he seems to be much more sure of what he can and can’t do than them

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  15. Your article is very Sicily, Rob. But enjoyable!

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  16. This confrontation with the FL may show us if Signor Cellino really is a ‘fit & proper person’- fit that is to take on the mantle of the new Don of LUFC ; because he can expect many more battles with our age old enemy/ enemies.

    So far he seems a good fit, maverick, anti- establishment, arrogant and doesn’t give a f@ck who he upsets. Oh yes, and loaded too!

    Come on Don Massimo – give ’em hell.

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  17. whats a matter you
    gotta no repect
    it’sa notso bad
    it’sa nica place
    Harveys FL are a discrace
    Joe dolcie eat yer heart out pal

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  18. I think the problem goes back even further, 43BC , bloody romans, what have they ever done for us!!

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  19. I can’t believe he eats pasta. First fraud now this. Do we even want this man at the helm? Cue in fighting for no apparent reason other than that’s what we get off on. Leeds Leeds Leeds

    Like

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