Tag Archives: Louis van Gaal

Leeds, Liverpool Fans: Demand New Contract for Man Utd Hero van Gaal   –   by Rob Atkinson

 
Times are hard for Man United and their beleaguered Dutch genius of a manager Louis van Gaal. Following their latest defeat, at old rivals Liverpool, rumours persist that the axe is poised to terminate the former Holland coach’s tenure at Old Trafford. This would be a tragic turn of events for fans of some of England’s premier clubs, who are united in their conviction that Louis van Gaal is doing a fantastic job at Manchester United.

Fans of some of the country’s foremost clubs, as well as Newcastle United, West Ham and Tottenham Hotspur, have been invited to sign and share a petition calling upon Malcolm Glazer, the Man U CEO, to recognise the folly of a managerial change at this point, and immediately award van Gaal a new and improved five year contract, during in which he would hopefully be able to see through the job he’s started so promisingly to a conclusion that most football fans would wholeheartedly welcome. 

Fans of Liverpool, Manchester City, Leeds United and Arsenal, among others, are invited to sign and share the Change.org petition in support of van Gaal’s retention with the Premier League also-rans.

We at Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything are so impressed with the job van Gaal is doing, that we have no hesitation in endorsing this petition. We would urge our readers to sign it at once and share it as widely as possible. 

For the good of the game and the contentment of millions of people outside of Devon, Cornwall and the Home Counties, the success of this campaign is vital. 

Louis van Gaal must stay at Man U!

Louis van Gaal “May Need Surgery” Ahead of Man U Job – by Rob Atkinson

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Louis van Gaal – Ouch!

Alarming news for Man U fans is emerging from Brazil, where their club’s manager-in-waiting has charge of the Dutch squad as Holland bid to win the 2014 World Cup. It appears that Louis van Gaal will probably need lengthy medical treatment for what is being described as “acute peri-anal discomfort” consequent upon a stretching of more than just the truth by the English press corps – who have, of course, had precious little to write about since England’s meek departure from the tournament.

A Dutch spokesman shared his insider’s knowledge with Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything. “Louis was fine, just fine,” he confirmed, “Then England went out and everything just got weird. At first, the English press guys just sat around, making up stories about Ross McCormack of Leeds United. But then, a few of them remembered that Louis is due to be the new Man U manager and, before any of us realised what was happening, about half a dozen of them crawled straight up his arse, causing significant damage and no little embarrassment.”

This sort of rectal intrusion by press hacks from England’s seedier papers is sadly nothing new when it comes to Lancashire’s least club. Wayne Rooney, such a promising performer for England in his Everton days, made a pivotal decision to switch from being “once a blue, always a blue”, joining the Pride of Devon – with the result we’ve all seen only too clearly. Before long, he had four or five of Fleet Street’s finest lodged firmly halfway up his small intestine and, as we all know, he’s never really been the same since.  David Moyes also suffered at the start of last season, but the invasion of his fundament cleared quite rapidly as he demonstrated his utter cluelessness.

Holland’s medical staff are very concerned about the long-term damage caused to their chief’s lower digestive tract – and several are calling for some moderation of the press pack’s behaviour. “We expected a certain amount of over-the-top adulation,” said one, “We knew that Louis would suddenly be hailed the finest coach in the world, a superb tactician and man-manager, all of the usual malarkey. But to shoot straight up his backside like that….” The glum Dutch medico winced and shook his head, sadly. “It’s horrible, simply horrible. I doubt he’ll be able to sit down this side of Man U’s next FA Cup exit. This sort of press behaviour is uncalled for and should schimply schtop.”

Fans of the Pride of Devon had been looking forward to welcoming van Gaal to the Theatre of Hollow Myths in time for the Premier League also-rans’ opening League fixture – but it now seems certain that extensive therapy will be needed after the sycophantic excesses of certain Fourth Estate representatives. One fan, speaking directly to Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything from his supporters club HQ in Exeter, expressed anger and betrayal at the actions of the press. “They’m be ruinin’ Yew-noited’s chaaaaances,” he retorted through a mouthful of zoider and a straw between his teeth. “We’m strugglin’ already to qualifoy fer Europe never moind win stuff as is our roight. Things bain’t goin’ to be any easier if the boss is huuurrt and in Aaaaaaarz-piddle, all becuz of this ‘ere koind o’ thing”.

The latest on this story is that van Gaal’s condition has “eased somewhat” in the wake of the Netherlands’ narrow victory over Mexico to reach the World Cup quarter-finals.  This is thought to be due to the re-emergence of one press hack from the Dutch coach’s fundament.  Mike Crap, of the Scum, re-entered daylight on the final whistle, admitting that he was no longer convinced that van Gaal is the best.  “A few of the boys have stayed up there,” he admitted, “Guys from the Mirror, the Sport, Sky TV and that. They’ll still be writing van Gaal up as the world’s best, but I’m not so sure. I wish now that Dave Hockaday hadn’t turned the Man U job down, but he simply had a better offer. We’ll have to keep the faith with van Gaal, but I’m not so sure after the Mexico performance.  Still, they got through – and there’s still this feeling that Man U really can win the World Cup.  And I can tell you for sure that Ross McCormack is leaving Leeds United – he’s bound for Fulham, 100% certain.  Or Sheffield Wednesday, maybe.  Or Newcastle, if we’re really going to take the Mick.”

Louis van Gaal is currently unavailable for comment, sitting on a rubber ring.

Sherwood an Aptly Mediocre Appointment for Fading Spurs – by Rob Atkinson

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Hmm, I’ve got the job, then. Now what?

The news of Tim Sherwood‘s appointment as Tottenham manager, some say until the end of next season, will come as a surprise to many, a shock to some and confirmation of Spurs’ continuing decline to the knowledgeable few.  To say that the response of the White Hart Lane faithful is unenthusiastic is to be extremely charitable.  The Spurs fans are trying to put a brave face on the whole matter, trying to understand what is going on behind Daniel Levy‘s petulantly dissatisfied expression – but you can tell that deep down inside, they’re glumly watching the big clubs disappearing over a distant horizon which, not so long ago, represented the tantalisingly attainable Promised Land for North London’s second club.

As I’ve previously written, the failure of Spurs to pip Arsenal to Champions League qualification was the death-knell to their immediate ambitions of being a truly big club themselves.  It wasn’t an easy opportunity to miss; Spurs had been in a great position – seemingly almost home and dry.  And yet, against the odds, they managed to achieve failure from out of the very jaws of success.  They contrived somehow to squander their best chance of dining at the top table, and thereby put the tin lid on any chance of Gareth Bale (or “Spurs” as he was widely known last season) wasting any more of his meteoric career yearning for a team to suit his talent.  So it’s likely to be a diet of crumbs for Spurs from now on, especially if they manage to miss out on Europe altogether next season – a distinct possibility for the envious mid-table outfit.  It’s this kind of losing habit that has seen an allegedly major club fail to win a League Title for over half a century.

There is, it appears, a subtext behind the appointment of Sherwood, and the gist of what’s to be read between the lines is: “Louis van Gaal (nod, wink) … after the World Cup, of course … keep it under your hat, old fellow.”  Quite why a coach with the reputation of van Gaal would want to move from a post with one of Europe’s better national sides, to take up the reins of a London club in the perpetual shadow of giants Arsenal, is not explained.  The additional niggle that Spurs will probably be Champions League onlookers again, with all the top players studiously avoiding eye contact when a move to N17 is mooted, is hardly likely to help turn fanciful ambition into blessed reality.  World-class coaches are hard to recruit for urchin clubs who have their noses permanently pressed up against the sweet-shop window, whilst the rich kids gorge inside.

Spurs may after all find themselves having to grant Tim Sherwood his desired longer-term contract, something that is currently causing Daniel Levy to wear an expression even more pained and long-suffering than usual.  Levy’s desire for a cheap stop-gap appointment, prior to a high-profile swoop after the summer’s shenanigans in Brazil, may well be thwarted by circumstances beyond even his control.  How ironic it would be if it turned out that AVB had been made to walk the plank, only for it to transpire that the newly-promoted 3rd mate can’t even navigate, causing the ship to founder for want of an experienced presence on the bridge.  3rd Mate Sherwood’s total lack of impressive top-level qualifications, or indeed any real experience, is worrying more than a few with the club’s best interests at heart – and I find it rather puzzling, too.

What seems certain is that Sherwood, for all his fighting talk of wanting to be at the helm for ten years, is in Levy’s confused mind very much of a short-term, dodgy quality option for the here and now – with the indistinct future more a subject for wishful thinking.  After all, a slightly scratchy win at Southampton seems an odd basis for what is a crucial appointment; there is an air of the knee-jerk about it, a feeling of sticking plasters being applied to an arterial gusher that threatens to bleed Tottenham’s season dry.  Arsenal’s current minor stumble is but cold comfort to any Spurs fan with clear vision and a nose for stormy weather approaching.   The Gunners still seem set fair for a continuation of their top four habit at the very least, whilst there is no sign of any significant improvement in Spurs’ own more modest possibilities.  Sherwood as boss is no more and no less than a chilling confirmation of those uncomfortable, unpalatable facts.  It’s not going to be a very Happy New Year for the fans of North London’s also-rans.