New Atomic Clock Will Signal QC Leeds Decision; But NOT Today – by Rob Atkinson


In science news, it has been announced today that a revolutionary, super-accurate atomic clock has been designed by the Public Institute of Standards & Technology (PIST).  The clock is so accurate that it could run continuously for 300 million years without ever straying from the precisely correct time.  As it is definitely envisaged that, sometime within this 300,000 millennia time-scale, a decision will be notified on the outcome of the Massimo Cellino appeal, Leeds United have decided to utilise the PIST clock for the timing of any such announcement.

A decision had been expected by 6pm on Friday evening, 4th April – but Twitter carried the news this morning that the deadline had been put back. No new decision time has been predicted, but Leeds officials are confident that news of Cellino’s appeal will be available at some point within the 300 million year operational period of the new clock.  A GFH spokesman commented “We are certain that this time window is reliable.  We’re a go-ahead club, and an atomic clock sends appropriate messages about accuracy and honesty.  So we’re going for PIST.  It just feels right.”

The barrister responsible for the decision, QC Tim “Juan” Kerr, is described as a thoughtful man who likes to get things right, no matter how long it takes to negotiate the legal complexities before him.  “It’s better to get it spot on than do a fast, but possibly shoddy job,” said the pedantic silk, slowly. “I’m prepared to cogitate for as long as it takes and, if necessary, my descendants will be willing and able to complete the job for me.”

The man at the centre of the whole saga, Massimo Cellino, would say only: “Sono disposto ad aspettare – almeno fino a quando il mondo smette di girare. Spero che i tifosi sono, anche. Siamo tutti Leeds, non siamo?”  Mike Farnan, of erstwhile competitors in the Leeds takeover, Together Leeds, indicated – after a brief interval on Google Translate – that he was in full agreement with this.

David Haigh is a son of a b***h, dangerous, a f***ing devil.  Allegedly.

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36 responses to “New Atomic Clock Will Signal QC Leeds Decision; But NOT Today – by Rob Atkinson

  1. Apparently the FL have the verdict, its been in the “mens rea” all the time!

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  2. Any idea where I can buy a few of these Rob – like one for every director of GFH and the FL board – cause I know where I would like to shove em with the cesium oven well and truly lit!

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  3. Vancouver White

    And appropriately, Leeds United today announced, the”Big Elland Road Sleepover’! Which, coincidentally will be utilizing the above mentioned Atomic Clock to wake everyone up (when said QC has finally made announcement). Don’t anyone dare hit snooze!

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  4. No thats a bunch of clocks mate

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  5. Just typed in football league and thats what google came up with

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  6. ugandanleedsman

    Rob,
    The clocks went forward so we are now two hours ahead and not three. I have been checking constantly for updates on the decision but I now understand the cause of the delay. I should have used the fecking new one and saved myself all this anxiety.

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  7. Argos say they will have a standard version of the clock available in all stores from 10.00am Saturday 5th April, retailing at £1.99.

    I understand that a limited edition version will soon be on sale – the clock face will have an image of Massimo gripping the neck of a bewigged gentleman who is holding a brown paper package from which spill 200 Euro notes.

    The limited edition version is only avaiable from the Football League and retails at £49.99.

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  8. I’m past careing two months with the fl a week with QC and still delaying what about the fl duty of care to its members or that don’t extend to us becomes it dont feel like no one cares about us at the fl doing as much damage as they can and loving it more like keep up the good work fl qc mp and all the other stuck up twats that run the show have a nice class of ice cold pimms and have a good laugh at the working class man pulling his hair out waiting on you in breeds to make your mind up have visons of tim nice but dim having the last say yes no yes no yes no I don’t no can I have abit more time please take as long as you like old chap and so on till the pist clock runs dry peace out mot

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  9. I detest the decision making ability of lawyers. They can talk and think themselves into a sweat for hours on end. Going over single words time and time again sags, still ruminating on an on. I have worked amongst them and seen it for myself. They could be in the midst of important stragic change when action and decisions are needed and yet they still go back to the book, worrying over that single word or punctuation. Totally impractical people who, yawn, get paid by the hour. That is why the UK is where it us. The commons is full of them, the lords is full of them, they comprise of the middle classes and have rarely done a days hard graft in their entire lives. But they talk and read and ruminate over the minutest detail. God save England from them. So glad the gravy train has stopped for them. They are now all looking for jobs, but not real jobs in the real world!

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  10. us fans have nothing but time on our friging sides two fingers up to the FL

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  11. Andy Mason

    Apparently, 12:30 Tomorrow is the number generated…

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  12. belfastpete

    New Leeds songs……… Time after Time…..Good,times Bad Times….how many more times….time in a bottle…..your time is gonna come….do that to me one more time….feels like the first time…time bomb…baby one more time.

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  13. fatha revie

    definately clearing cupboards out elland road after bates and gfh why else would it take so long some genuine people might find some very naughty doings like millions going awol

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  14. Does this clock double as a time machine rob , would be interesting to know what time everyone would go back to ( or forward ) ,, mine would be the day before the Paris final in 75 ,, id knee cap the ref so another one would take charge..

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    • You’ve picked one of our more popular time-travel options there Mr O. There’s a bit of a waiting list for that one – and whoever does it will have to “take care” of UEFA’s five standby bent options, too. Would you consider the option of travelling back to early 1973 and poisoning Christas Michas’ pre-match ouzo? Or you could perhaps deal with a certain Mr Tinkler from the 1971 League Title fix? Then there’s Mr Hardaker’s hatchet job for the 1972 Double – we have something quite tasty lined up for him…

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      • Mr orange

        Second chioce for me would be to go back and see the greatest of them all , the ultimate all round footballer , you all know who I’m talking about….

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      • I’m guessing il Gigante Buono, King John himself. I’d give a lot to see that, too – my dad never shuts up about him. I did see him play once – when he was about 60 in a 15 minute a side game prior to a testimonial at Elland Road. He was old and unfit – but still immense and awesome.

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      • Mr orange

        Yeah , I would have liked to have seen john play in his prime , my uncle was the same as you’re old fella rob , always talking about him

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  15. After reading this I’m gonna get PIST

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  16. patrick hogan

    Rob – don’t forget the ref that failed to send off Bartez for stamping on Harte at ER in 2002 seeing it as a ‘trip’ and later disallowing an own goal from ‘Where’s Brown’ (his Eng U-21 nickname) that the Scum players reactions shows was a goal, for ‘offside’. It cost us 2 points – put Liverpool in 4th above us – and cost O’Leary his job.

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  17. who said giving drink would be good for me

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  18. sniffers shorts

    We lose every week not a second every three hundred million years …. Come the day god I’m stressed !!!!

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  19. I think the QC must be drafting another chapter for Peter Ridsdale’s old book United we Fall or even Reading Tom Bowers broken dreams to benchmark non tax payment on yacht against other misdemeanours.Master Bates has a whole chapter dedicated to him in their so that sets the standard for Shaun Harvey and the FL I guess.
    BTW bit harsh Bluesman we only try and make an honest living.The problem is there is very little that is honest in football.honest.

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  20. Between the Lines

    They did say the announcement would be made on the 4th of April at 6pm however they didn’t say which year, just for reference the next Friday the 4th of April will be in 2025

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  21. scottywhites

    Why do scientist come up with the most stupid things who cares about some clock that wont miss a beat for 300.000 years why cant they come up with a fomula to stick up the stupid arses of the fl to make them see sense or make that QC a faster pen to write with,just getting fed up with all the broken promises on time scales and lies and gfh and everything that has happend over the last three months [or the last 12 years] if you like of been bled dry and tossed to admin just hope things are sorted soon i will be there tomorrow hope they give us something to cheer about i would cheer a daw at the min…………………….MOT

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  22. How something could be announced LAST NOVEMBER, and still not be completed or totally dead in the water in April, is ridiculous.
    I remember the awkward-looking blokes with forced smiles wearing Leeds scarves, an air-brushed and coiffured suit assuring us that they were in it for the long haul and definitely not into “flipping”. Well, the charade only lasted eleven months.
    I expect the announcement will be made by the Mysterons, or perhaps a pyramid will open and one of David Icke’s lizard kings will do it. Either way it will probably happen before the QC finishes his (very expensive) deliberations. MOT.

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  23. Grenville Hair

    As Keith Burkinshaw once said of Spurs, ‘there used to be a football club here’. If Rumpole demurs and we are tipped into the abyss, who’s for FC United of Leeds? I’ll be chairman and by the way, i once met this sheikh….

    Like

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