Leeds Front-Runner Hockaday Mirrors Beckham Experience – by Rob Atkinson


Dave “Who??” Hockaday

With only two weeks to go until the World Cup in Brazil, former England captain and global superstar David Beckham has been back in the media spotlight. A camera crew has followed the intrepid Essex boy deep into the Amazon jungle where this veteran of footballing conflicts with the likes of Diego Simeone and the Sir Alex Taggart hair dryer has encountered more natural perils such as snakes, alligators and mosquitoes.

The biggest shock for the former Premier League pin-up boy, though, was the discovery that – a mere 800 miles into the usually impenetrable rain forest of the Amazon basin – there lives a tribe of people who have never heard of him. Think of that. A whole group of villagers who have lived, moved and had their being in total ignorance of the identity and global celebrity of David Joseph Beckham.

It really does defy belief – particularly as there is a thriving Spice Girls fan club in this remote outpost. Or perhaps that’s just a mischievous rumour. Whatever the case, the fact is that just about the most famous sportsman on the planet had to journey far, far into the back of beyond to find a spot where his name and fame have failed to reach.

Spookily, the surprises don’t end there. Although these rustic and agricultural people are blissfully unaware of the global celebrity of Mr Beckham, it turns out that they worship as a god another football personality entirely – one whose name is unknown practically everywhere else on the globe, with the possible exceptions of Blackpool, Swindon and Hull.

Paradoxical as it may seem in a society innocent of any trace of Beckham mania, it is the almost totally anonymous front-runner for the Leeds job, Dave Hockaday, who is revered and idolised by these simple farmers and tillers of the Brazilian earth. Ignorant alike of the magic of Beckham’s right foot and the legendary reputations of some of the world-renowned giants he’s played for (as well as Man U), the villagers ignored him completely – and yet plied the former Real and DC United star’s camera crew for more details of Hockaday, the man they venerate as a local deity.

What about Dave’s goal-scoring exploits at Bloomfield Road, they demanded, eagerly. Could they have details, please, of his coaching contribution to Watford’s play-off success in 2006? Why had Forest Green seen fit to part company with a legend such as Hockaday – and would he, could he now be tempted to take over at Elland Road?

The previously undiscovered Amazonian village was all abuzz with these burning questions, even as they scratched their heads and wondered aloud who this Beckham geezer was. Such total and uncritical worship of a man quite literally unknown everywhere else is a phenomenon just as striking, in quite the opposite fashion, as their total lack of any idea of Beckham’s own place in the Beautiful Game.

Meanwhile, in LS11 – a society just as insular as any to be found in a South American jungle – it remains unclear as to who exactly will be granted the dubious honour of succeeding previous incumbent Brian McDermott as Leeds United coach/manager/whatever. Whether it turns out to be Hockaday himself, Uncle Festa, or any other of the rumoured ten candidates to be interviewed by il Duce Massimo Cellino, the Leeds United fans are likely to be the last people whose preference will be taken into account. That’s the way the wind is blowing and the cookie crumbling around LS11 these days.

If it is Hockaday – then perhaps we can look forward to the formation of the Amazonian Jungle Branch of the Leeds United Supporters Club. Any suggestions of Beckham for Hon. President, though, are likely to be rejected. They’d be looking for someone with Elland Road connections and – ideally – a bloke they’ve actually heard of.

34 responses to “Leeds Front-Runner Hockaday Mirrors Beckham Experience – by Rob Atkinson

  1. It’s got to be press bullshit rob, look at some of the other names they have in the frame like Paul bloody ince!

    More likely he’s been for a chat to be gibbs assistant or to work at the academy (hes worked with gibbs before)


  2. quality Rob, very amusing…………..last thing we need is another Watfordite Long ball specialist


  3. Good fun as ever.

    But, to be somewaht unnecessarily pedantic, Beckham plied his trade for LA Galaxy not DC United


  4. And then I mis-spelled “somewhat”. Serves me right.


  5. kev the dammed w

    Beckhams in the rain forest trying to find victorias ancesstors the sloths as for Hockaday its the bookies trying to scam mug punters.How did the holiday go Rob.well I hope.


    • Still here at the moment thanks, proper tanned & relaxed πŸ™‚ I forgot to include sloths!! I’ll save them for the next article, about the lack of pace in the LUFC 1st XI …


  6. It does seem a strange choice, it’s got to be the bookies rinsing some easy money out of the Leeds faithful, but they’ve also got odds on Dave “Vile Animals” Jones being the next manager! Err no thank you!!


  7. Who-ckaday is still the 13/8 favourite to take over and Cellino thinks we have a better team than he first thought! Well, they are unbeaten for a month!! I fear things are going to get a whole lot worse before they get better


  8. Can’t wait for itv caretaker of the scum by a scum on top of David’s big trip what’s next taggot takeing a shit live on Chanel 5 this must be the low before the high of the World Cup MOT


    • They just can’t let go, can they?


    • Yeah every fecking trailer is….

      giggsy wiggsy: sure manager (and not a sister in law shagger)


      becksy wecksy: jungle ‘hunk’

      you can’t even escape the buggers in close season.

      then the world cup will be full of scummer pundits like Roy keane


  9. Ian Finlay

    Hi, rob possible chant for next season..
    Dave Dave
    We can’t win at home
    And We can’t win away,
    I think some ones having a laugh at are expense ,MOT


  10. I’ve been reading your blogs since the evening of 31st January. Ironically (at least I think it’s ironic), that very evening my good lady wife and I were taking advantage of a pre-paid scoff at the Marco Grill, which, to my shame, is actually located inside the Stamford Bridge stadium. (31st Jan, posh nosh, iPhone, refresh button, angry missus… You get the idea). Anyway Rob, you have a way with words, along with an ‘Outside the Box’ imagination that is quite rare in this text speak age. Thanks for making me smile. John


  11. I like it Rob! Personally, i thought DC United was a reference to Scumchester. You know, Devon and Cornwall…


  12. It would be a strange appointment as we do not know him, but it does not mean that he will not be successful. We have had well known managers who are terrified of using young players or like to play the more experienced ones out of position .who ever we get let’s play football with passion and tactical awareness ,we need a motivator and has the strength to bring youth players through.


  13. Thanks Rob. You’re providing much needed sunshine on an otherwise cloudy and so far miserable summer. Don’t forget to post Massimo’s reply to your post card when you receive it……may not be this week as he’s busy!! Heard on the grapevine that Atkinson is one of the 10 for interview…..would that be you or maybe Uncle Ron?? Neither of you would be out of place on on the list of names I’ve seen. Enjoy your holiday.


  14. After seeing off Warnock and McDermott, I doubt weather those extremely arrogant Leeds players, would have any respect for a low-profile coach like Hockaday, who is not exactly big name in the coaching world.
    Zola or Di Matteo would be a good choice for a coach at Leeds, but now that McDermott has gone, does anyone know if Steve Morison will be returning from Scumwall?.
    Morison is a much better player than Hunt and would be a useful squad player and also good competition for Matt Smith.


  15. Except: 1/ He won’t be “taking over” at all, will he? Wackaday is a coach; Honest Massimo has stated that *he* is our manager. And 2/, he’s actually a bloody good one. This is the bloke who pioneered academies in this country. He’s very good with bringing kids through below Premiership level. As Carbone has stated, Leeds are once again a selling club and we need to bring a lot of kids through so that we can sell the best one or two each year and “save the money” and still maintain a largely home-grown squad.

    Anyway, it was always going to be either someone like this or someone like Feste or Carbone.

    A bloody good coach, I say — below the Premiership. How appropriate his methods will be to Leeds United is another matter. He’s done sod all in the Premiership or at any club with a history/culture of passing football, and he didn’t play at the top level either.

    I suppose there’s just a chance that Wackaday can get us out of this division (via the exit we want to use, rather than the one I think we’ll be plummetting through within a year or two), but that will depend on how well he can cope with MC’s management, however good or bad that is. If you’re still pro-Massimo I think you should give him a chance.

    So, if the experienced lower-division coach and development expert can cope, he may turn out to be a good appointment. I reckon, though, that he’ll go the way of Warbock and McDermott — i.e. have no chance to actually do the job he’s appointed for.

    PS He looks very Butch, doesn’t he?


    • That might be the extent of his appeal, for any Leeds fan – male or female – who watched and enjoyed Don Revie massaging Paul Reaney’s liberally-soaped buttocks on Danny Baker’s whimsical World Cup TV programme tonight.


      • Was that on again?! I hate it when they show that.

        BTW I believe Wackaday is the main contender for the job at Leeds (whatever it is) despite the others rumoured. For now, that is — MC “manages from day to day and doesn’t plan what he’ll do next”, or whatever he said.


    • he looks a bit like Julian dicks


  16. Andy Bentley

    Cellino states clearly he wants a first team coach, not a manager. He is also on record saying that Italian coaches are the best in the world. However, he has sacked enough of them to bring this into question! Some were given as long as two months before the axe fell and some came back for two and three goes at it. I wouldn’t expect anyone to relocate.. just rent a room for a few weeks!


  17. No, no, no Rob!

    It’s Hockney not Hockaday!

    Famous son of Bratfort whose most renowned works include the stunning tribute to our former striker entitled “Mr and Mrs Clarke and Sniffer.”

    So here’s to making A Bigger Splash under Benny and Dave.


  18. Leeds on koh Phangan.

    Hilarious Rob..
    So true though.. lol.


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