New Plans for Allardyce and West Ham
After a long history of flattering to deceive, West Ham United, doyens of London’s East End as the locally-famous ‘Appy ‘Ammers, are at last about to embark on a period of real achievement – by the simple expedient of switching their priorities away from the stony ground of league football, in which any seeds of success have stubbornly failed to flourish in the 119 year history of the club. It’s a bold move – but the feeling is that something has to be done, as football has never been a happy environment for the Hammers or for their long-suffering fans, many of whom would rather talk and write about true giants of the game, such as Leeds United – rather than waste any time on the Boleyn Boys.
In that long history, there has been the odd Cup success, including – as many Hammers fans would have you believe – the World Cup in 1966. But league success – that true indicator of a big and successful club – has eluded the East London hopefuls. Their best top-flight finish was third, 29 years ago. A symbol of the club has been the bubble, famously linked to West Ham by their “Forever Blowing Bubbles” theme song. Like the bubble, they can be pretty, and they can promise to fly high – but again, as with the delicate and fragile ephemeral phenomenon that is that glistening envelope of water, they tend to flourish only briefly before bursting abruptly and disappearing from view.
Now, the club’s owners, highly respectable porn barons Sullivan and Gold, have had enough of all that bubble stuff, and they intend to seek success where it might more feasibly be achieved. A source close to the two dirty old men was quoted as saying, “The guys see us as having more potential in the field of light entertainment, rather than plodding around a football field with a load of rough boys, getting kicked and invariably losing. So the plan is to switch targets for this coming season; we’ll be entering a team into Strictly Come Dancing, and we might possibly stick a couple of likely solo acts into BGT or maybe even the X-Factor. But all of that is just the beginning. If this goes as well as we think it might, we’ll be pulling out all the stops and giving it the full 150% for The Big One. Yes, folks – watch out. The Hammers are going all out to win Eurovision in 2015! We just have to do something – win something – to get our fans talking about us – instead of bloody Leeds United all the time. It’s humiliating…”
A source at the FA was cautious when asked for a reaction to this. “It’s quite unprecedented for a club to pull out of league competition and concentrate on light entertainment, dancing, crooning, acrobatics, prestidigitation – that sort of thing. We did have that time when Man U pulled out of the FA Cup to go poncing about on a beach in South America, but …” Our man scratched his head, bemused like. “We’ll have to see what the full committee make of it. I suppose if any club were to make this sort of switch, it’s more likely to be West Ham than anybody else.”
The mood at Upton Park, though, is one of grim determination. “By the time we switch to the Olympic Stadium, we want some silverware on the sideboard,” said our source. “Dancing, magic, tricks with dogs, anything. Singing, certainly. Look at the bearded lass who won Eurovision just the other week. Dead spit of Billy Bonds, she were – weren’t he?” When asked whether the Hammers would still be playing football at their new venue, our man was cagey. “There’s more to life than bleedin’ football, you know! There’s lots we could do there to make a crowd like ours happy. Dancing on ice, all sorts. Just watch us go, once we start winning stuff. You wait and see, mate, you just wait and see – starting with ‘Strictly‘.”
In related news, the club are expected to announce that the iconic “Forever Blowing Bubbles” song is to be dropped, with immediate effect, due – it is said – to those connotations of fragility and ultimate disappointment. Instead, and to signal an era of success unknown in the ‘Ammers’ ‘Istory, the club tune will be “Stranger in Paradise” from the start of the 2014/15 “Strictly Come Dancing” season. It is anticipated that new lyrics will be sung by the Upton Park crowd, beginning “Hail Fat Sam, He’s a Walrus Called Allardyce”.
The Hammers’ two surviving World Cup winners, Martin Peters and Sir Geoff Hurst, have issued a joint statement, reading simply: “It’s Bobby Moore that we feel for. If he was alive today, he’d be turning in his grave.”
Alf Garnett is 95 (and supports Spurs).
Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything 
I understand that having been approached in regard to re-recording what was his debut chart success in Britain, a spokesman for Tony Bennett said earlier today ” Regretably, Mr Bennett is ‘Busy’.
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we know its a quiet day when we have to write about West Ham – cant wait for MC to get back into country next week. Appoint a new manager and get a few new players into a squad that is looking very thin and i dont mean around the waist
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I think Chas and Dave are booked to play there? you cant better a “good old cockney knees up” to boost morale. Are you ready Mrs Brown? you will need your “knees up ” me owd sparra! if only to connect onto the hoof balls.
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Think even Chas and Dave are Spurs if the lyrics of “Gertcha” are a guide, mate.
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Hahaha see HF we can do it as well.I commend you .keep it up its about time that knob can read how his team is a team without history.
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I once worked with a bloke who got a life ban from Elland Road and took it in a kind of masochistic way. He gave up on trying to support Leeds and is now an avid West Ham fan. It still makes me laugh.
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Depression can make people act very oddly. He probably saw it as marginally preferable to suicide.
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He could be hammers fan!
that would explain why he’s always banging on about Leeds instead of having a go at millwall or whatever
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I take it hammers fan (clown) has pissed you off with his latest rants about us. You were far to kind about them in your article Rob.
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“…the club’s owners, highly respectable porn barons Sullivan and Gold…”
Genius Rob 😀
I actually burst out laughing
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That’s always good to hear 🙂
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laughed I nearly shat …… I have not laughed so much since auntie Mable caught her left tit in the mangle……!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ….. your mad I am ….. sorry the suns got to me El Scorchio goal goal goalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
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Ha, excellent loony tirade 🙂 Wibble and MOT
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Why bother, its just that idiotic orgy baby hammers fan trying to drum up some sort of rivalry where it don’t exist, our rivals are scum, chelski and possibly the wendies.
He needs to stick with his established rivalries at west Hams level, millwall, brentford, leyton orient that kinda thing.
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Love the Billy Bonds comment. Still laughing now. A great article Rob.
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Cheers, much appreciated 🙂
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Skint club, crap fans even worse team. Dreaming to be at a level even close to west ham you’ve been slumping it in the football league, playing worse football than us, poorly supported for about 10 years.
We may be able to give you delusional lot a cup final if we draw you in the 3rd round of the fa cup (if you make it) but until then keep on fantasising about being half the club of the famous World Cup winners of 66, the academy of football West Ham United.
COYI
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I thought ENGLAND won the world cup in 66?
Didn’t realise COCKNEYWANKERLAND had split from the UK in some sort of referendum won by the THEY ONLY STAB THEIR OWN party a couple of years earlier
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Are you a betting man, Ross? I would be willing to bet £500k we ‘make’ the 3rd round of the FA Cup..You could be onto a winner here mate, who knows the season hasn’t even started yet and I have no idea at this stage as to how sh*t we will actually be.
The bet still stands though if you’re up for it?
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Leeds are dead. Well and truly dead and have been for a while. To the world of football you are completely irrelevant.
Well done for winning the league 12 years ago but that will never happen again. If I could pick to be a well established Premier League team and winning the league over a decade a go and be destined to stay on the football league show for eternity, I know which one I would choose.
Come on you Irons
HF is twat, mind you.
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13 irrelevant lines, then you get the point of the article!! There is no significant rivalry between the two clubs just a weird obsession from (supposedly) one of your own over Leeds!!
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Rob..you have to be making these comments up? Surely West Ham fans can’t be that stupid..I cannot even bother pointing out the factual inaccuracy in this last comment. The first one was bad enough.
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Amazing isn’t it?
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“If I could pick to be a well established Premier League team and winning the league over a decade a go and be destined to stay on the football league show for eternity, I know which one I would choose.”
Man u?
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As a hammers season ticket holder, this did make me laugh. Good luck for next season, be good to see Leeds Utd back where you belong – in the top division. When you get there it will be your fans continued support which has made it happen.
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Top man, Paul – many thanks.
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Another quality post Rob, I love reading your articles. As my teacher once said ‘keep up the good work!’
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Mine was more “Must do better” 🙂
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Priceless Rob, keep up the entertainment while we wait for Massimo’s fun to start.
MOT
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Bet Cellino could buy Andy Carroll – but we wouldn’t want him, not if he is tainted with money from sex. Nasty!
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