Man Utd Admit Cavani Panic Move to Stop Rebel “Fan” Defecting to Leeds – by Rob Atkinson

man u defence trying to remember whether it’s five, six or a dozen

Manchester United, reeling from their 1-6 home defeat to Spurs on Sunday, and frustrated by Dortmund’s refusal to budge on top target Jadon Sancho’s £100m+ price, have admitted that their move to sign 33 year old free agent Edinson Cavani was prompted by the threat of losing a fan in the wake of their stuttering start to the season.

The once mighty Pride of Devon have been out of sorts so far in this new campaign. The season opened with a 1-3 home reverse to Crystal Palace, with neutral observers claiming that Palace could have had six. Then, the ailing media favourites had to rely on a penalty given after the final whistle to beat Brighton in their first away fixture, with neutral observers claiming that the Seagulls could have had eight. Most recently, it was back to the Theatre of Hollow Myths, where a first minute penalty was not enough to stop Tottenham Hotspur rattling in six, with neutral observers claiming that Spurs could have had ten.

In the wake of that second home defeat, Steve, a Leeds-based plastic armchair man u fan of forty years, shocked the football world by claiming that he’d had enough and was no longer a glory-hunting disciple of the ironically-dubbed “biggest club in the world”. Steve pulled no punches in his withering assessment of Manchester’s second club, ranting as follows:

“I’ve been a Man U fan for over 40 years and I’m afraid I’m looking for a new club to support after today’s shambles. I’m done with them. They are not a big club anymore, they’re an absolute shambles and it starts from the top. Until Woodward and the board go, they’ll have no success. I live in Leeds so I’ll probably support Leeds United. They’ve got one of the best managers in the business, their players are hungry for it, and they play great football.”

Sadly for Steve, the reaction among proper Leeds fans has not been particularly positive, with several commenting that they “would rather chew wasps” than accept a renegade Devonian as one of their number. It appears, then, that there is no welcome for Steve at Elland Road, and so hopes will burn bright from Milton Keynes to Singapore that he will keep the faith and maintain his front room devotion to Ole’s boys, however dire and dismal they are under the hapless Norwegian “demon pixie”.

The Trafford based club have reiterated their determination to retain fans like Steve, by making any signings necessary, regardless of the benefit or lack thereof to the team itself. “We mean business”, stated one man u insider, “and we’ll show our intent by the end of this window. If Cavani doesn’t do the trick, we’ll be approaching Derby for their star forward Rooney. Don’t rule us out yet, we’re going to do great things.”

Terry Christian, well-known Salford scally and professional man u fan, was unavailable for comment, as he’s hiding behind his sofa until Woodward and the Glasers are gone.

9 responses to “Man Utd Admit Cavani Panic Move to Stop Rebel “Fan” Defecting to Leeds – by Rob Atkinson

  1. As a fair minded man and a Leeds fan who’s borne decades of vitriol from other clubs I try to keep things in perspective and empathise with the heartache that defeat and disappointment brings, even to our most bitter rivals… Who am I kidding! When Man U or Chelski lose I get, almost, the same warm feeling as when Leeds win. ‘Lovely, sardonic piece, Rob!


  2. Terry Christian Manchester United fan who tweeted that he wanted OAPs to die from the flu virus for exercising their democratic vote to leave the EU, nice bloke.


  3. Reality Cheque

    Absolutely amazing post Rob which is just the cherry on the cake after watching Manure’s mega millionaire defenders look worse than a Sunday afternoon park team & ship SIX goals in their very own compost heap at the hands of their former “abysmally poor” manager

    I must confess that I had nervously anticipated being on the receiving end of sizeable defeat against Citeh’s stars on Saturday evening (given that it was on the eve of a dreaded international break) but didn’t Bielsa & the lads serve up a treat & make you absolutely proud to be a Leeds United fan Rob?

    Bielsa has turned a bang average squad into a pretty outstanding Premier League squad & Andrea Radrizzani has financed Orta’s fantastic “quality” additions. I don’t know about you Rob, but I am still pinching myself over just how much our fortunes have improved dramatically since Pablo tucked away that late winner at Swansea & WBA & Brentford finally just gave up the fight


    • Couldn’t agree more, these are golden days. Bielsa has managed to achieve almost the exapt opposite of the OGS effect at Old Toilet. Happy times 🙂 MOT


  4. Gordon Baxendale

    Still have a soft sot for Farsley Celtic, always looking for new fans.


  5. shauncuth78

    Absolutely world class reporting,


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