Ticket Lottery Probe after Chelsea Crowd v Leeds Found to Consist Entirely of Schoolgirls – by Rob Atkinson

Chelsea’s crowd for the Leeds game yesterday

In a change from the usual controversy over VAR, a probe is to be announced into possible abuses of Chelsea‘s match ticket allocation protocols, after it was revealed that their COVID-restricted 2000 strong crowd for the fixture against Leeds United consisted entirely of excitable young girls. Questions are being asked as to the fairness or otherwise of a system that favours one gender and age group so exclusively, to the detriment of Chelsea’s traditional following which normally leans more towards male Neanderthals across all age groups. It has even been suggested that the teenage female demographic had been selected exclusively by the Stamford Bridge club, the object being to disrupt the Leeds United team with a constant, shrill and piercing scream effect. The question of whether this would not affect both teams equally was dismissed when it was pointed out that the Chelsea players were quite used to that kind of annoying noise after a year or so of Frank Lampard‘s team talks.

An FA Premier League spokesman commented “It seems appropriate to look into these claims, as it appears unlikely that a properly-conducted lottery would come up with such a weighted result. Most of the girls in the crowd admitted when questioned afterwards that they had been briefed to squeal in an irritatingly shrill manner whenever former Blues player Patrick Bamford had the ball, but that they had mistaken debutant United defender Diego Llorente for the striker. A few of the other girls had no idea they were attending a football match, believing it to be a concert featuring BTS (Bangtan Boys).

“Whatever the outcome of our enquiry, it certainly makes a pleasant change from looking into VAR controversies,” added our FA contact. “We’re pleased to note that, on this occasion, VAR worked exactly as we have always intended, as evidenced by its utter refusal to review an incident in which United winger Ian Poveda was fouled in the Chelsea penalty area and an obvious penalty was not given. So, yes, we’re obviously very satisfied with that”.

Frank Lampard (42) is deliriously happy.

13 responses to “Ticket Lottery Probe after Chelsea Crowd v Leeds Found to Consist Entirely of Schoolgirls – by Rob Atkinson

  1. Funny you should post this I sent a text to a Chelsea mate during the game saying that their crowd doing the booing sounded like schoolgirls not what you expect from a visit to the Bridge at least not in my experience of visits of the past.
    Very amusing piece Rob.


  2. tony of pool

    In addition, those girls respectfully remained deathly silent for the vast majority of the match, (except for their bouts of high pitched squealing) to the point where the ground sounded eerily empty of human life
    You have to give credit, where credits due, Rob….


  3. Ace one Rob!😁👍


  4. Philip of Spain.

    Quite right Rob if that’s the calibre of the crowd let’s go back to no speckies.Looked like the prawn sandwich brigade to me.


  5. Life is LUFC

    The old fashioned terminology was “nowt but a girls blouse” but I especially liked the bit about Pinocchio’s team talks.
    Very good Rob, just what I needed to read before going going to the dentist.
    Just in case there are no other blogs from you (big doubt seeing as the scum game is on the horizon, another bunch of girls blouses) Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New year to you and yours and all your fans. 🎅 MOT


    • Same back to you and yours, lovely to hear from you, as ever 👍 MOT


    • PS – hope dentist trip went ok! 😬


      • Life is LUFC

        OOOPS nearly forgot. this should liven up your day even more..
        I purchased a couple of packs of the LUFC charity Xmas cards and sent them to my wider family…….supporters of Chelsea, Liverpool, Spurs and Scum.
        Not being totally daft I included their spouses names knowing that they always display all charity cards. Those cards are having the desired effects, very explosive and they are on display in each of those households. A merry Xmas will be had by all 🤣🤣🤣🤣 😇


      • Just seen this – cheered me up after Wet Spam


  6. This has nothing to do with the thread but is Andy Hinchcliffe the biggest know all pundit of all time, he seems to know the answer to every mistake, every goalkeeping error and every missed goal why he is being forced on us I do not know to me he did very little in his own career but seems capable of being the greatest manager ever.
    Tone it down Andy and dare I say it take a leaf out of Gary Neville book cue abuse.


    • It does make you wonder why some of these arseholes aren’t putting their necks on the line by working at the sharp end. At least Gary “Nil Seven” Neville had a go.


  7. Great, it’ll be awash with Jimmy Savilles outside Stamford Bridge from now on.


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