Tag Archives: General Belgrano

Football League to Impose 200 Mile Exclusion Zone for Argentines Around Leeds Training Ground – by Rob Atkinson

Bielsa – exclusion zone imposed

The Football League is to take a leaf out of the MoD Falklands tactical war book circa 1982 in a bid to find an appropriate sanction for the Leeds United boss Marcelo Bielsa, who has been found guilty of doing what everyone else in the game has been doing for years now.

In a move to be codenamed Operation Belgrano, Bielsa will be torpedoed and sunk if he is found to have strayed within 200 miles of United’s training complex at Thorp Arch. The decision has been warmly received among the has-been element of English football punditry, with a Mr S. Collymore taking a break from his latest anger management course to comment “Gotcha!” in an irritating Midlands accent.

The decision also affects the ability of United’s manager to be present at any of their games inside the exclusion zone, including of course the Elland Road stadium. Instead, Bielsa will control team matters remotely via a video link to be set up on an upturned bucket in the Leeds technical area.

The Football League, confirming the measure, commented: “Yes, we know that the training ground Spygate thingy has happened before, but we always, as a matter of policy, make an example of Leeds United, especially when they’re being really annoying and troublesome, as they are currently, what with being four points clear at the top and threatening to go up”.

Leeds United have declined to comment, beyond confirming that their spy has now been sacked after inaccurately describing Derby County in his report as “a football team”. However, a Mr. F. Lampard of Direby was understood to have said “Rejoice! Rejoice!!”

The average IQ of Sky Football pundits is 63.

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Gotcha!! Football League Torpedo Enemy Ship “General Massimo” – by Rob Atkinson

The sinking of the "Massimo" - as reported by "The Scum"

The sinking of the “Massimo” – as reported by “The Scum”

In a terse communique issued at 0001 hours Saturday 31 January 2015, the Football League spokesman Herr M. Thatcher confirmed that the enemy Italian vessel known as the General Massimo has been torpedoed, with eye-witness reports saying that the stricken ship has sunk without trace.

This military attack was ordered at the highest level, Obergruppenführer Harvey himself having authorised the strike personally. It has been confirmed by the Football League High Command that the Massimo was seen and photographed well inside a pre-defined 200 mile exclusion zone drawn around the Leeds United team. Claims that the Massimo was in fact steaming away from the team at the time the torpedo was launched have been dismissed as frivolous. Herr Thatcher insisted: “In our opinion, the Massimo still presented a clear and present danger of positive motivation to the Leeds team – we had no choice other than to strike hard and decisively in order to obviate this deep peril.”

Sadly, the League have also confirmed that a more covert operation, whereby a special agent was infiltrated into the Huddersfield v Leeds game in the guise of a referee, has failed to bear fruit. The despicable Leeds side tragically struck in the 90th minute to score what turned out to be the winner – despite Agent Foy adding on 55 minutes of overtime.

To add insult to injury, it is now being reported that the Commander of the General Massimo, one Captain Cellino, has escaped the wreck and was last seen heading for safety aboard the lost ship’s principal life-yacht, the Nélie.

More on the Huddersfield v Leeds game will follow later.