Just as reports are indicating that prospective Leeds owner Massimo Cellino is likely to be cleared of tax evasion charges – which had been expected to delay his confirmation as a “fit and proper person” by the Football League – a new shock has come to light. Sources at the League claim to have irrefutable proof that the King of Corn has, at various times, “used pasta”, habitually eating different varieties such as, allegedly: linguini, ravioli and even spaghetti at family meals where his own children were also encouraged to practice this vile and revolting habit.
A Football League spokesman emphasised the seriousness of these new allegations. “This has an even graver significance than the tax-evasion thing, which sadly begins to look like a dead duck. But Cellino could be bang to rights on this sickening pasta allegation. If true, it would definitely put him beyond the pale as far as we’re concerned. Anybody looking to have charge of an English league club should be eating traditional Olde English fayre – like Chicken Tikka Massala, for instance. Or hamburgers.”
Quizzed on rumours that there may even be further charges pending against Cellino, the spokesman – the Football League’s Officer in Charge of the Anti-Leeds United Team, based in Salford – would only confirm that a few “new rules” could yet act to delay even further the resolution of the Leeds ownership saga. “We’ve tried to be proactive about this in the interests of our broader membership,” he said. “To that end, we’ve acted to make illegal a few disconcertingly worrying factors, including but not limited to: possession of the wrong shade of olive skin (as compared to that nice and badly misjudged Mr Carson Yeung), any tendency to speak Latin languages of Roman descent and, last but not least, possession of an amount of money likely to lead to a vulgar degree of success for any club with LS11 in its postcode.
“Rest assured – we’ve plenty up our sleeves yet to deal with Signor Cellino, if those Johnny Foreigner courts in Sardinia let us down, oh my word yes. We owe it to our football supporters in this country and even more so to the memory of the late, great Saint Alan Hardaker.”
When we suggested that the League may appear to have some sort of vendetta against Leeds, we were advised: “The Football League Xenophobia Sub-Committee does not approve of those nasty, dirty Italian motor-bikes – so we’ve no idea what you’re on about.”
Asked for his response, Massimo Cellino was tight-lipped, merely stating cryptically: “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m going outside to eat vermicelli.”
Shaun Harvey is a certifiable lunatic.