Cellino: bring on Juve and Milan
More sensational developments are unfolding in the ever more confusing story about the year-long struggle at Elland Road, over the ownership, management and league membership of Leeds United. Documents have become available in the last 24 hours that prove the extraordinary determination of controversial banned owner and convicted yachtsman Massimo Cellino, to hang on to the club he’s had to negotiate so hard to own.
The newly declassified information is from last year’s Football League “Fit & Proper” appeal hearing in London, and it indicates the lengths Massimo Cellino was prepared to go to, in order to overturn the Football League’s rejection of him as a “fit and proper person” to own the club. Sensationally, Cellino undertook to achieve promotion within a defined time span for the fallen Yorkshire giants, not to the FA Premier League – but to the Italian top flight, Serie A.
A spokesperson for Cellino, Avril Primero, was tight-lipped when she was quizzed, on April the 1st, about what would certainly be a controversial move. “What a load of bologna,” she said, through tight lips. “Where did you get hold of this rubbish? Un tale carico di merda!“
The story, though, refused to go away. The religious affairs correspondent of Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything was able to speak personally late the next night, via ship-to-shore phone from the blog’s duty-free yacht “Nélie”, to the Pope in the Vatican. When pressed on the Serie A story, the Pontiff – a keen cricket fan – was willing to confirm that Leeds’ participation in the Italian top league was “nailed on” for the start of 2016/17 – if things went as planned with the Football League. “The Italian league is open to this, my son,” the Argie Pontiff confided. “There had previously been a suggestion of Glasgow Rangers,” added the leader of the world’s Catholics, “but as you might guess, I ruled THAT one right out of court. Then someone called Harvey mentioned Sheffield Wendies, but I simply laughed. Really, who are these people… Leeds though? ¡Excelente!“
The Football League itself was reluctant to comment at that stage of proceedings, with matters poised so delicately. “We have no comment at this stage”, commented a League official, reluctantly, “Matters are so delicately poised.” The FA Premier League indicated that this was not a matter for them presently, but that such a move might well attract some support. “We certainly don’t want Leeds United in our nice clean league”, ejaculated the FA Officer in charge of bungs and bribes.
The then United owners GFH were less forthcoming yet. When asked if competing against the likes of Juventus, Milan, Napoli and Serie A giants Cagliari formed part of their strategic vision for the Whites, they stated simply “We couldn’t give a camel’s left knacker. We just want our money, cash on the nail, coppish? Then we can send Davey Haigh to Dubai, we’ve got big plans for him…”
Massimo Cellino, seemingly unruffled by these revelations from last year, is nevertheless unlikely to be present at the Brentford game on Saturday, preferring to remain in Miami where he is stocking his new refrigerator with beer in preparation for “a major interview” later today. When asked if, despite the Football League ban, he’d have any input into the contents of the team sheet, Mr. Cellino appeared to misunderstand. “Yes, you’re right, team issa sheet, so I stay here, drink beer, buy bitch, talk random Leeds fans onna phone”, he confirmed. “Is better that way, my friend.”
Shaun Harvey is 107.
Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything 
Love it 🙂 You’ve got to laugh….!! 🙂 🙂
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Today is what date?
Yin
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Closer to the truth than we may think.
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Hmmmmmmmm
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Excellent Rob
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Nice one Rob. If it wasn’t for the fact that Avril Primero was Known to be foolish, I could probably beleive it. Nowt surprises me with our club anymore…MOT
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Is she the one also known as Isabel or Izzy Foreal?
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Rob – thank you, made me laugh out loud ….. particularly the “camel’s left knacker” quote !!
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I take it you got this from your Italian PAL FLORIO?
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Brilliant Rob – what better way to start the day than with a smile on your face, at least it will in some way make up for the gloom we’ll probably feel later tonight !
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Forged abowed it
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I have a sense of humour but to wake up and see a headline that raises my hopes he has won and then to read on and find out its a spoof is no laughing matter. We are staring at oblivion here, look at Portsmouth.
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This sense of humour of yours – anyone seen it lately?
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Not falling got that one! What’s the day today?
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We would not need the golden share for the Italian league. I think the strain is starting to show.very comical Rob,see what today brings.
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I laughted my socks off, brilliant article
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Good luck our German friends tonight , as rab c nesbit would say , hands across the water
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Mine enemy’s enemy is my friend…..I suppose….
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Well its either that or suffer the possibility this summer of thousands of “choosen one” T shirts rob
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Like them both to loose if possible
Bayern are the German man u
Have we all forgotten where WACCOE comes from.
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This is a tactical play in the highest order; and for the FL minor club Chairmen ring well it is time to give time and space for the Whites. This list of these CM wannabees in FL board so it seems like they do not any clue for the benefit of theirs. Loosing prestige, money and eating sour grape within well you only live twice once you are born and second when the big call is inviting for the declaration of life process.
Tare
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Full marks. If only it wasn’t so close to what is actually happening to the White Gods today!
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its true I tell ya its true…
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Aaaaaaaargh!!! B***dy hell Rob, you got my hopes up when I saw that headline. Still, a very funny article nonetheless. Happy April 1st to you. I see there is still no news on our Italian takeover – they do like to make us suffer!
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the funniest i’ve seen all day, but the other attempts were piss poor.
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only joking – brilliant
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Just a few minutes until we kick off,heads between your legs and kiss your arses goodbye. It’s time for another battering. BM said we need to start right. Good god.
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Are there any apologists for brian mcdermott left now? Surely not? After he’s packed his bags and pissed off,he’ll have plenty time to find out where his arse and elbows are.
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In hell perhaps, a coal mining duty with KB, okay depending, with SH and GW assistance?
Tare
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Ha ha ha nice one Rob! Avril Primero! Brilliant!
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