Newcastle Team “Scared Because Stoke Looked Like Sunderland” Claim – by Rob Atkinson

Toon v Sunderland today. Er, we mean Toon v Stoke.

Toon v Sunderland today. Erm, we mean Toon v Stoke

A novel excuse has been advanced by an un-named Newcastle United player after the Toon’s disappointing home draw with Stoke. The Geordies had been leading near the end through a goal from Mackem youth product Jack Colback (74′) – but in the end, they were pegged back when Peter Crouch planted a firm header past Tim Krul as the match moved into added time.

One anonymous Newcastle player, immediately after the game, has apparently blamed Stoke’s red and white striped jerseys for the way City were allowed to snatch a point. “They looked canny like Sunderland, like, and it fair scared the clarts oot of us, bonny lad. Why AYE – it’s no excuse like, though but,” the player – believed to be from Newcastle’s English contingent – stated as he came off the pitch. Asked to enlarge on his controversial viewpoint, the Toon star would only add “Them buggas have made a turtle habit of beating us hollurr, every time we meet up, like. It’s enough to put a gadgie off his Broon, man. Sur when the likes of Sturk City torn up, the spittin’ image of them Sunnerlan’ buggas, it was just toomuchforruslike. Wuz’re like, y’knaa, psycholgically disTORBED, like! Pass us an orange, Thelma pet.”

A long-standing Newcastle fan, Sidney Aloysius Smutt, when asked outside the ground after the match for his views, would only observe “Haddaway an’ shite, ya bastads. Wuz’re not frit o’ that loosy Mackem lot. Or Sturk. Gan yem, man, before yiz gets a purk in the eye, like. I’m the cock o’ the waaaalk, man, me like.”

Mike Ashley (94) is uncomfortably close to Rangers.

18 responses to “Newcastle Team “Scared Because Stoke Looked Like Sunderland” Claim – by Rob Atkinson

  1. RonnnieScott

    Eeh bah gum. That’s reet funneh lad.


  2. Andy Coleman

    These articles are hilarious.

    I wonder why it’s taken so long for someone to see the comedic value in mocking regional accents and accrediting comments to dubious and improbably named sources! Genius at work, for sure.

    I have only one suggestion to make (and I hope you won’t be offended or take my comment as any kind of criticism or hint that you’ve fallen short in any way):

    Why don’t you append a short, humorous film clip to the end of your articles?

    Perhaps something along the lines of a feckless-looking chap being chased around a public park by a long line of attractive, scantily clad young women?

    I fell that this kind of broad visual comedy is all that’s missing at the moment.

    Anyway, keep up the good work. I look forward to reading many more cheeky articles very much in the same vein as this one (and the previous ones).


  3. Lol, very good Rob but you’ll have to gen up on ya Geordie like wor kid!! came across as distinctly Makem crack that like-a thawt yas hayted the baasstaads as much as us like? ha ha
    On a serious note- we are playing like a side with the shackles on at the minute very much like a mid table side which we are undoubtedly are. Ashley will be rubbing his hands together at the prospect of a mega bumper pay day as the premier league deal goes statospheric whilst he pumps the absolute minimum into the club to keep it in the top division. Newcastle are simply treading water whilst he remains in charge and this is empathized by insipid home performances against the likes of Stoke City, something which the home faithful have become all to familiar with- Stoke City, who incidentally not only look like the makems but play very similarly to them as well, with a midfield that may as well have stayed at home as the ball sails aimlessly over their collective heads once more!! Me bitter? NIVVOR!! NUFC.


    • I was hoping you’d see the deficiencies mate, and maybe offer me some kind of online seminar? As ever, your sense of humour and your realism are both top-notch – MOT and WAFLL


  4. Ah divvint nah whit je gannen on aboot man, love it Rob, keep ’em coming.


    • I daren’t do any more, the dialect stuff was nearly all lifted from Viz anyway – but I’ve just been told by a Geordie that I sound like a Mackem!! Ugh 😦


  5. Need to concentrate on your own team. League 1 for the mighty leeds united next season.


  6. Can someone tell me what the hell is going on ?.
    I don’t understand a word of it…


  7. The ultimate in annoying accents. Apart from the obvious Jamie Carragher of course, who even annoys people from Bootle. Tim Healey gets on my tits.(Rent-A-Geordie). To their credit they don’t seem to have many young glory seekers wearing Man U and Liverpool shirts on the streets of Newcastle, although I am assured by a colleague that it does happen up there. I saw a kid in a Man U shirt in Belle Isle/Hunslet recently. Wouldn’t have got away with that in my day. Less than 2 miles from Elland Rd? It’s just wrong and not nice to see. I was quite upset.


  8. I gave him a disapproving look, like I was sucking a lemon, lasting nearly four seconds….that’ll teach the young Whippersnapper.


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