Nostradamus Apologises to Leeds Fans for “Bad Day at the Office”   –   by Rob Atkinson


Nostradamus in happier days

Nostradamus in happier days

The post-match press conference for Brighton & Hove Albion‘s 2-0 victory over an “off the pace” Leeds United was enlivened by the unexpected and unscheduled appearance, from beyond the grave, of Nostradamus.

The 16th century French prophet, whose ancient prediction that Steve Morison would score in a Leeds win against Brighton had received some publicity this week, appeared out of thin air, looking slightly sheepish, but otherwise in pretty good form for a man dead these many years. This was, in fact, the first interview Nostradamus has granted since his death in 1566, and he was keen to emphasise that things had changed for him in the almost five centuries since then.

Speaking before the Brighton and Leeds coaches gave their post-match reaction, Nostradamus got straight to the point. “Yeah, man – I know I’m gonna get hammered for that Morison thing. It was a bad day at the office, a real bitch of a day, really. But you gotta remember that quatrain was written something over 450 years ago, well before League football had even started. You gotta cut me some slack, man. None of us is perfect, not even Don.”

So, now that he’s broken his 449 year silence, will he be maintaining an interest in the game?

“Hell, yeah man – I’m not that dead! I’m a big football fan and I have been since the 1870s. There’s quite a few of us up there, and we have some pretty lively discussions, let me tell you. I’m an Arsenal fan myself, big French influence there, which is pretty freakin’ cool.”

We can expect more predictions, then? Nostradamus was slightly more cautious on that score. 

“Weeeell – it’s not impossible, let’s put it like that. It’s difficult to know how to go about it after all this time. You may have noticed, I’ve kinda left the mediaeval French vibe behind – too inaccessible, man. Since I’ve been up there, I’ve had the chance to talk to people like Warhol, Lennon, Oscar Wilde – he’s quite the Brighton fan, actually, so he’ll be tickled pink tonight.”

Many Leeds fans in the football afterlife fraternity?

“For sure. A lot of the real individual types, the movers and the shakers, they tend to be Leeds. They’re proud to be different and not to take the easy path. So, you’ve got the likes of Thomas More and a lot of those mediaeval martyr guys. Then there’s Lord Nelson – NOT a Pompey fan as you’d think. Einstein, he’s Leeds, there’s Archimedes, Galileo, guys like that. There’s even – well let’s just say someone who was really big a coupla millennia back. He asked me not to mention his name, though, reckons he’d get crucified in the press. And General George Custer, he’s a massive fan – but then he always did tend to be up against it and he certainly fancied the odds against him.”

Any Man U fans? There’s a lot of speculation over who they have following them…

“Nope, you never see any of them. I don’t wanna be too specific, but those guys ended up, y’know, elsewhere.” 

So is Nostradamus at all embarrassed at the failure of his Steve Morison prediction?

“Noooooo, not really. As I said, it was a long time ago. I don’t even do the old-style quatrains any more, couldn’t tell you myself what they mean these days. It may even be that the Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything guy misinterpreted it. I am sorry if I raised the fans’ hopes though. That really sucks, and you can believe me when I say I regret it. All I can tell you as of now is that Morison will score, and sooner rather than later. Just, y’know, watch this space, man.”

At this point the coaching staff from the two clubs came into the Press room and Nostradamus felt it was time to go. With a cheery wink and a very passable Leeds salute, he promptly de-materialised – having agreed to deliver our best wishes to the LUFC faction in the great beyond.

Leeds next game is another tricky one, at home to Watford. At this stage, no predictions are available – from this world or the next.

Nostradamus is 511.

 

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11 responses to “Nostradamus Apologises to Leeds Fans for “Bad Day at the Office”   –   by Rob Atkinson

  1. RoystonLUFC

    Oscar Wilde tickled pink – pure class.

    “There’s only one thing worse than scoring against Brighton, and that’s NOT scoring against Brighton”. One of Wilde’s your highness.

    Funny though, I thought he might have had a bit to say about Cromwell, he must have bottled it up for all these years. But then again, who cares about a Peterborough fan?

    Like

  2. Sniffersshorts

    This aside I bow to don Cellino, retain thy honor or face the White shotgun . He will return , the club comes first , he will clear his name on his terms and not to disturb the men on the playing field and the running of the family , blood runs deep,,it will spill no more in the halls of Elland rd, but a day of judgement, will fall on those who prey on and who bully, but what now thy heinous foe….. I should watch my back and glance over those pitiful shoulders from time to time for you will feel thy wrath WE ARE LEEDS whose carcass you cannot prey on any longer cometh the man cometh the hour!

    Like

  3. Exile in Holland

    Love your articles Rob, first thing I look for every day. Been a Leeds
    supporter / fan since 1949, can’t get to games anymore due to living in Holland and being broke but still love the whites, keep up the good work.

    Like

    • Thank you so much. Comments like that every now and then are like pure, cool, ice-cold water to a parched man in the Sahara 😊 Much appreciated, you’re a gent!

      Like

  4. Does Nostra predict a Mad Hollywood film star buying a football club from a Mad Italian? a Madman wishes to know. (Im worried about Massimo Rob )

    Like

    • I think I’d be more worried about Mr Harvey tbh. I interpret Massimo’s statement as indicating that people will now start waking up next to the severed heads of horses and other livestock, without the club being in danger of subsequent sanctions.

      Like

  5. I don’t want to say I told you so, but…

    I am somewhat of a seer myself and instantly reckognised your error in not deciphering the whole quatrain, leading you to miss the bit about taking the piss.

    Last year, while traveling overseas, I found myself in a little bookshop hidden away in the back streets of Douglas, when I happened upon a signed first edition of Centuries, whats more it was the unabridged version which includes the complete centuty 7 (omitted in later copies) which is sad as quatrins 43 to 100 of chapter 7 explain how to decipher the rest. And best of all it only cost me £50 quid.

    A bit of sincronicity going on there too, as the first Century
    talks of using a Brass tripod to foretell of things to come.

    Thinking outside the box I realised that a Isle of Man £50 note could constitute a brass tripod obviously (Three legs for the tripod and £50 for the brass).

    I notice the copy you use is the newer version, so please allow me to help you with a couple of ‘spooky’ bits I noticed in your ramblings above.

    Your last paragraph is most telling: ‘Nostradamus is 511’

    Now first of all you need to remember he was a L’froggy chap. so 511 should be written/spoken as L’511 (as in L’dog or L’cat or L’letts). to me that is saying LS11! Self explanitory so far I think you will agree.

    AND cosider this: using a calculator, enter 1157. turn it upside down and there you have it! LS11 plain as day!

    But thats not the spooky bit, notice how 1+1+5+7 = 14.

    The year now is 2015 and Nosty popped his clogs in 1566.

    2015 + 1566 = 3581 multiplying by the hidden 14 we found above gives us (3581 x 14) = 50134

    Now Up until last night the score of 2-0 has been recorded only three times in all meeting between these two clubs, so obviously that is 2-0 3 (times) or 203, add that to 50134 and your calculator will give the result as 50337!

    Turn your calculator upside down and L’Voila.

    Nosty is definately trying to tell you something, but you need to keep it simple and realistic as I’ve shown above, So no more of this… Morrison to score!!! twice!!!

    Streching it a bit Rob.

    Like

  6. It is safe to say that a certain mr oyston snr of Blackpool can be described as an animal and it should be his head in Shaun,s bed.

    Like

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