Category Archives: Football

40 Years On, England Can Banish the Spectre of “Clown” Tomaszewski – by Rob Atkinson

Wembley:  England Expects

Wembley: England Expects

Wembley on Tuesday will see England’s latest attempt to exorcise one of the troublesome ghosts that haunts their under-achieving past. The name of the spectre is Jan Tomaszewski, still happily alive and kicking his way through dual careers in Poland as football coach and legislator for justice. But the Polish keeper’s outstanding display in defying the big guns of England that far-off Wembley night had massive repercussions for the game in this country and a ripple effect that is felt even today.

Consider the myriad “what ifs” that radiate outwards from the impact crater of that momentous qualifying tie. What if…..England had won? First and most obviously, it is highly likely that Sir Alf Ramsey would have continued in his job, quite possibly after the 1974 World Cup Finals with a view to leading England in the European Championships of 1976, ten years after his triumphant World Cup campaign on home soil. Maybe then there would have been several more years of Don Revie at Leeds, and no catastrophic mismatch of talents with the frankly silly idea of a lonely Brian Clough, deprived of his mate Pete’s steadying influence, at a hostile Elland Road; possibly even an early renaissance for Brighton as Clough and Taylor worked their combined magic on the south coast – and would we ever have heard of Nottingham Forest again?

Such cause-and-effect speculation is an entertaining way to beguile an idle hour, and intriguing alternate reality scenarios readily conjure themselves up. Leeds were reigning Champions that 1974/75 season and still a force – but weakened and demoralised by the toxicity and rancour of Clough’s brief, turbulent reign. Who knows what benefits might have accrued from a few years more continuity? A European Cup, perhaps, in 1975 and a sympathetic transition from one great Revie side at Elland Road to another? A consequent lessening of Liverpool’s domination through the later seventies and the whole of the eighties? And on the international scene – success for England in the Euros of 76 with qualification for Argentina in 78 and a good chance of being the first European side to lift the World Cup in South America? The possibilities are almost endless and the fact that they failed to come about has its roots at Wembley in 1973.

Remember the key moment: Hunter misses a tackle near halfway and Poland spring forward. Shilton is beaten with uncharacteristic ease at his near post and England are one down in a game they must win. Now Tomaszewski, labeled a clown prior to the match by Clough – frankly Brian, it always was Taylor that was the better judge of a player – Jan Tomaszewski played the game of his life to thwart attack after Three Lions attack. Beaten only by an Allan Clarke penalty, the Clown left the field of battle triumphant, his country bound for West Germany ’74 while England dined on the bitter fruits of recrimination and disappeared from the world stage until 1982.

In many ways, the scene is set similarly forty years on. England must win to ensure qualification, though the possible safety net of a second-place play-off chance sways reassuringly below them. The press have the game as a must-win though, and doubtless a certain 65 year old former Polish goalkeeper will be invited to help with the build-up, recalling all those saves he made from Currie, Bell, Clarke and the rest, to ensure that clowns would haunt the nightmares of England fans for the foreseeable future.

The big difference of course is that four decades ago, it was dog eat dog and devil take the hindmost. Poland needed a draw to qualify, England needed to win. The stakes were high for both sides. On Tuesday at a newer Wembley and with England, needing the win, nicely warmed up by their demolition of Montenegro, their old adversaries will not be similarly motivated. Poland’s defeat in the Ukraine means that their hopes of progression even via the play-offs have disappeared; they have only pride to play for.

That should always be motivation enough in the nationalist fervour of representative football, but England’s more material incentives will probably see them carry the day. And there will after all be no stubborn clown between the Polish sticks on Tuesday to banish English hopes and break English hearts. 1973 and all that was a long, long time ago.

Januzaj for England? What a Farce!

An admirably clear-sighted and rational reaction to the usual media hype demanding that any new Man U player, whatever his nationality or playing position should be seen as:

(a) The New George Best;

(b) vital for England;

(c) the best thing since sliced bread (where are you, John Curtis??) and

(d) Oh, just the dog’s bollocks, honestly.

This is a blog I shall be following with interest from now onwards.

thetanmarcaroni's avatarPitch Pundit

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Neil Warnock: I’d rather watch Downton Abbey than an England match

The thoughts of Colin, as bizarre as ever – but does he have a point in claiming he’d rather watch Downton than England? Leeds fans would be able to confirm that the old boy has no more than a passing interest in football, so maybe this expressed preference isn’t all that much of a surprise…

History Made as Klingon Andros Scores for England – by Rob Atkinson

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Andros “Worf” Townsend

History was made at Wembley on Friday night as Tottenham’s Andros Townsend became the first extra-terrestrial to score for England.

Townsend, though reported by some sources to have been born in Leytonstone, actually originated on the Klingon home-world Qo’noS. It is thought that he is the result of a committed relationship in the early nineties between a Klingon warrior who travelled through time and space through a wormhole to Earth, and a timid secretary from Waltham Forest.  The couple made the return journey to Qo’noS so that the young Andros should be able to absorb the culture of his paternal bloodline, but when the lad showed a preference for kicking a ball around instead of engaging in martial drills and studying the history of the Klingon warrior race, the family returned again to Earth and settled in North London where Spurs, attracted by his ability to score headed goals from inside his own half, signed Andros in 2009.

Klingons are known to have had sexual relations with humans, with the “Voyager” character B’Elanna Torres being an example of a Klingon-human hybrid.  However, Townsend is thought to be the first descendant of the male Klingon bloodline to have forced his way into the Tottenham Hotspur first team, though some have questioned whether Nayim was of Romulan descent.

Townsend’s first start for England, capped by his debut goal, has been identified as the dawn of a new era for the game in this country, exceeding in its cultural impact the international breakthrough of Viv Anderson who became the first black player selected by England in the late seventies.  An FA spokesman said “It was indeed an historic moment when Viv made his bow, and a massive step forward which was rightly hailed as such by the press at the time – with the notable exception of the Daily Mail who instead called for closer links with South Africa as practised by the England cricket team.  But tonight’s achievement by Andros – the first acknowledged member of a different species, with due deference to the claims of Wayne Rooney, to actually play for England – well, it opens up whole new worlds of possibilities.  If you’ll forgive the pun.”

The FA are now thought likely to investigate whether there might be other sources of extra-terrestrial talent available to the national team.  Enquiries so far have revealed nothing definite, though there are thought to be possibilities in the north-east.

Two of the other England goals against Montenegro were scored by human beings, Daniel Sturridge and an own goal from Boskovic. Wayne Rooney also got on the scoresheet as England swept aside their opposition by four goals to one.  They now require a victory against Poland next Tuesday to seal qualification for next year’s World Cup Finals in Brazil.  In the wake of Townsend’s feat in scoring the first alien goal for England, the FA have revealed a “good luck” message from the Klingon Empire which reads simply: Qapla’ .

Leeds to Recruit Again From the “Other” United? – by Rob Atkinson

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Will Keane: could he make the difference?

Rumours abound that young Man U striker Will Keane is to follow in Scott Wootton’s footsteps in furthering his career by making the cross-Pennine move from wrong side to right.  Leeds seem to have figured out a way here to keep to the letter of their commitment without breaking the bank or at least adding too many straws to that particular tottering camel’s back. The luminaries of the Pride of Devon development squad will not command lavish wages, and yet the promises of a “high profile” loan will be trumpeted as having been met; any signing from the Theatre of Hollow Myths will automatically be accepted by the Press and even some fans as high profile, regardless of whether we’ve ever heard of him before.

For those more inclined to think for themselves, though, this trend might appear a little worrying and for more than one reason.  Firstly, Premier League development squads, crammed with potential though they may be, do not necessarily produce players ready to enter the hurly-burly of Championship football.  The trouble is, many fans will see pictures of the new boy in the colours of Man U or whichever other top-flight juggernaut, and they will automatically have these expectations – expectations that the callow youth in question may not yet be ready to meet.  This is a problem which is especially acute at Leeds with its notoriously demanding support and intimidating atmosphere.

Secondly, in this particular case, we have another lad on the way back from a season-ending knee injury – that familiar nasty, the ruptured cruciates.  Too often, we appear to be linked with players who are not only trying to make their way in the game and therefore have startlingly little on their CV, but who also have these orthopaedic skeletons in their closets; the kind of injuries that raise doubts over the patient’s ability to thrive or even survive in an unforgiving environment like the English second tier of professional football.  And it’s not the first time this week that our hopes seem to have been in danger of pinning themselves to footballers with less-than-perfect medical histories.  The spectre of Davide Somma’s career, previously thought dead and buried in June, has been detected floating along the corridors of Thorp Arch this last day or so. Leeds’ immediate prospects, in their current poverty-stricken circumstances, seem a little shaky to be entrusted to playing staff fresh out of the convalescent wards.

That said, these injuries are not necessarily career-enders these days.  Somma showed plenty of class in his too-brief spell in and around United’s first team a few years back – and young Keane was the bright hope of his age group at Man U until his own agonising setback whilst on England U-19 duty.  It’s just that there’s this worry, that we’re placing all our hopes on beardless youth, or chronic injury victims, or both.

If such gambles were to pay off, then I’d be the first to hold my hand up in joy and relief because Leeds United certainly do need something right now, some injection of pace, quality, that lethal finishing ability we’ve so palpably lacked.  But as ifs go, it’s a big one and I’d feel a lot easier in my mind if the allegedly relaxed GFH purse strings could make possible one or two signings of quality and experience who have been there and done it, in cauldrons that bear comparison to the unforgiving white heat of Elland Road.  That’s the kind of high-profile needed right now – not the sort that depends on the media-hyped status of the loaning club, nor yet the kind that brings back fond memories of what a player was once able to do in a Leeds United shirt.

Nobody wishes Davide Somma restored fitness and some reprises of those terrific performances, more than I do.  And nobody would be happier to see a young lad walk in through the doors of Elland Road and carve himself a reputation in the game, to the advantage of my beloved Leeds.  It’s just such a gamble and it seems to me at the moment that gambling should be kept to a minimum.   We should instead be hedging our bets and looking for some tried and tested quality.

It’s not promotion chances we’re weighing in the balance here, after all.  Those prospects already seem dim and distant, as the club’s owners appear to acknowledge.  And yet still Leeds United have to be seen to be trying to compete as far up the league as possible. The supporters will rightly demand that, and if they don’t see that competitive edge and the work ethic that’s always expected at Leeds, then there will be a continuation of that change of mood, that downward spiral of morale which has seen the atmosphere over LS11 dying a slow death over the past decade.  That’s the real challenge for the moment – inspiring the fans to keep the faith.  And whatever attention the owners have so far paid to “engaging with the fans” and other items of PR propaganda – they don’t yet appear to have managed this feat of inspiration.  A more ambitious and realistic attitude to transfer recruitment would go a long way towards that.

Somma Time Some Way Off for Leeds United – by Rob Atkinson

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As rumours of an impending “high profile loan signing” continue to waft around Elland Road, there is also news of the possible return of an old favourite, a star that shone so bright and yet so briefly, a man who stood out as an instinctive finisher one moment and then collapsed as a serial treatment-room habitué the next. Davide Somma, powerhouse striker and ruptured cruciate victim extraordinaire, is on the brink of another comeback. Could these two rumours somehow be related? As “Private Eye” would agree, I think we should be told.

Somma appeared to have earned himself such a bright future with his gamble on the price of a transatlantic air ticket to seek his footballing fortune. A successful trial, a contract and a flurry of goals – some bearing the unmistakable hallmark of class and composure – and the world was the likeable hitman’s lobster, or so it seemed. Then, injury, rehabilitation, setbacks, the cycle of despair. His hopes shattered, his prospects doomed, Somma fell out of contract in June. And yet he’s now back at United, seeking to prove his fitness – and who knows? The dreaded cruciate injury is not the football career’s death-knell it once was. A nifty bit of key-holing and a man can be fit for purpose again. Look at Gazza. Well, maybe that’s not the best example of redemption – but he came back from a wrecked knee to play for England again, didn’t he? Of course he did.

The thing about Somma is – good though it would be to see him back at his best and bunging in the goals for Leeds United – it’s all about context. In the club’s current straits, there really is an injection of top-class ability needed, both in a supply-line of chances and a taker of them too.

The cropping-up of Somma’s name just now has to be purely incidental to more urgent requirements. It couldn’t really be that our high-profile loan will come from the physio department of the local orthopaedic hospital. We need more of a Sharp than a Somma right now to salvage the hopes of this season. And despite the seeming prevalence of them in and around Leeds United, we could do with a Burke too. Birmingham’s tricky winger looks ever more a snip at £600k, but that boat has probably sailed.

The news that Davide Somma may yet be on the verge of a return to fitness, with the potential to function as a professional footballer is good and welcome. If such a comeback from apparently career-ending injury is ultimately to the benefit of Leeds, then so much the better. But the fact that social media outlets are currently all a-Twitter with hopes that Somma might be the saviour we need right now – that surely must be a rumour too far.

The very best of luck to the lad in his latest attempt to regain fitness – and thousands will be hoping he can fulfil his early, rich promise in a Leeds United shirt. But our immediate salvation must surely lie elsewhere.

4-6-0 The Way to Go for Strikerless Hammers at Hapless Spurs – by Rob Atkinson

Anyone who believes that playing without a recognised number 9 leaves you short of attacking options should have been at White Hart Lane on Sunday to see West Ham, having gone into combat sans spearhead, blag three points from a Tottenham side utterly unable to cope with such a departure from orthodoxy: four at the back, a stifling six in midfield and an echoing void in attack for the once-upon-a-time “Academy of Football”.

West Ham manager “Fat” Sam Allardyce was understandably ebullient after this smash and grab raid against one of the Premier League’s more fancied sides. Said the walrus-faced tactician extraordinaire: “I thought, if Jose Mourinho does it against Man U then so can I”.

Whatever Allardyce lacks in the Special One’s charisma and top-rank winning ability he may well, on this evidence, make up for in good old-fashioned luck. Both of the Hammers’ two opening goals came from pinball deflections and rebounds falling in the visitors’ favour. The breaks they got adequately justified the undoubted gamble Fat Sam had taken, and anyway, something fortuitous was always going to be needed to improve on a blank scoring record for the ‘Appy ‘Ammers on the road this season.

Having ridden their luck in the first half, and then capitally gained on two strokes of fortune in the second, London journeymen West Ham finally sealed matters against the cockney aristocrats with an individual goal of real quality. Ravel Morrison did just as he liked on his way through the Spurs defence before his subtly-dinked finish over the despairing efforts of home keeper Lloris put the earlier, flukier goals from Reid and Vaz Te distinctly in the shade.

For Spurs, it was a sobering demonstration that they have proved themselves unable to deal with party tricks such as the Hammers pulled on Sunday, and that they need to wise up fast. As it turned out, they lost valuable ground by failing to adapt to Fat Sam’s shock formation of packed midfield and zilch up front. Spurs couldn’t create anything, having been denied space in the middle of the park and they were undone by the Hammers’ runners from wide – and by their fruitful relationship with Lady Luck. Spurs will rightly see this as an opportunity thrown away and will worry accordingly about what better teams than West Ham – and there are plenty of those – might do to them.

For the Hammers though, it’s party time. 3-0 wins at old enemies Spurs are as rare as a Millwall defeat without a riot, and they have much to celebrate going into an international break. Whether they can pull off such a stunt again must be open to doubt; the rest of the Premier League will have taken note of Spurs naïveté.

But maybe Fat Sam has other dodges up his sleeves. If he does – then West Ham’s mission to secure another Premier League season in what is nosebleed territory for them, may yet succeed. Stranger things have happened.

Premier League Set to Make Life Easier for Man U and Moyes – by Rob Atkinson

Man U line up reluctantly before having to play Man City

Man U line up reluctantly before having to play Man City

After a lengthy period of consideration following the remarks of Man U boss David Moyes on the eve of the season, the FA Premier League are set to act in recognition that the Biggest Club in the Universe have, after all, been unfairly treated.

Moyes had been annoyed that the Greater Manchester club, often fondly known by enemies and foes alike as the “Pride of Devon”, had been “dealt with as if we were just any club.” His complaint concerned the opening five games of the season, with Man U facing three clubs that they were scared of in the first five fixtures. “It was plainly unfair,” said the irate Scum boss. “Historically, this club deserve better than the treatment just any old club gets. Don’t listen to me, ask the gentlemen that edit the Mirror, Sun and Mail. Ask Sky TV. They’re all horrified at how we’ve just been lumped in with all the rest, let me tell you.”

Now the FA are set to take decisive action in the face of what are being seen as compelling arguments. “Mr Moyes has a point,” an ashen spokesperson said, yesterday. “We’ve perhaps taken our eye off the ball here, and maybe we’ve forgotten just who we’re dealing with.”

Unfortunately, it has been thought “too controversial” to expunge the results of the games concerned – Man U lost to Liverpool and Man City and could only just scrape a draw at home to Chelsea. “Unsatisfactory though it may be,” the FA announced, “these results will have to stand. However, we have ruled that it wouldn’t be fair to ask Man U to play these clubs again this season. We have decided therefore that we – ahem, they – will play Bury at home instead of City, Tranmere at home instead of Liverpool and Barnet away instead of Chelsea. The two scheduled Arsenal games will feature Arsenal Ladies, and instead of playing Spurs home and away, Man U will face a Showbiz XI captained by Mick Hucknall.”

David Moyes has cautiously welcomed what some may see as quite a generous gesture on the part of the game’s ruling body. “I can’t really agree it’s generous,” he snapped. “We dropped 8 points in those three games, and it seems we’re not getting them back. That’s nothing short of scandalous. We’ll just get on with it though as we always do at this club. At least it’s given us some scope to redress the balance a bit. We might have only got a point or two from that unfair run of fixtures if something hadn’t been done – now I’m confident we’ll get three or four. We at Man U will just hope the game’s authorities get it right first time in the future. All we ask is for our own way in everything.”

In a joint expression of regret and apology, BSkyB and the FA have asked Man U for their forgiveness in this sorry episode. “We are fully aware of the commercial implications of Man U failing to do well,” says the statement, in part. “We’ve seen the sales projections for Man U tat and Sky dishes in hotbeds like Cornwall and Kent and how business drops off if our heroes lose. Believe us, we’ll be extending the hand of friendship and help to Man U at every opportunity. As part of this, we can give assurances that the latest “New George Best”, Adnan Januzaj will not face any disciplinary action for his future dives to win penalties. Yesterday’s incident was an unfortunate misunderstanding, and the officials concerned have been disciplined.”

In a further gesture of support, the FA have agreed to expunge all Title records prior to 1993, send their referees on refresher courses at Man U’s Carrington Training Complex and deduct 15 league points from Leeds United with immediate effect.

International Break is as Important for Leeds as it is for England – by Rob Atkinson

....or divided we fall

….or divided we shall most certainly fall

It’s no exaggeration to say that the next couple of weeks might very well make or break Leeds United’s season.  It’s as serious as that.  Not for any reasons of points or league placings, but to nip in the bud the deadly, creeping disease of apathy that can seize hold of a club’s supporter base and throttle all hope out of it.  Don’t get me wrong; the international break is clearly important for England too.  But all they have to do is win a couple of games at Wembley, with everything going for them and the cream of the country’s talent (such as it is) at their disposal.  Easy peasy.  Leeds United have no such simple task.  Leeds United must somehow conjure up a whole new philosophy, advance further down the road of securing significant investment and cheer up a moribund fan-base to the point where they can inspire the team again, instead of reducing it to nervy inefficiency.  No pressure, then.

Conflicting noises have come out of Elland Road this last week or so.  First we’re told that new players are on their way, but the existing squad should have won in the most hostile of Lions’ Dens.  Then there were glad tidings of “investment to take us to the next level”, but with the same breath we were told it was hard to secure such investment and that promotion was “a harsh target”.  Neither was the tantalising concept of “the next level” defined.  The next level of what?  Angry Birds?  Surely, they couldn’t have meant the next level up the league ladders, better known as the Premier League.  That is, after all, a harsh target. None of these pronouncements have come from the football side of the club, though you might be forgiven for thinking they had, what with learned opinions being offered about the capabilities of the existing squad vis-a-vis Millwall.  So confusion reigns, and the sickly stench of discouragement and resignation begins to drift among the fans in their expensive seats.  If promotion is a harsh target, they muse, aren’t these seat prices slightly harsh then?  What are we being invited to hope for, and at premium prices too?

Maybe, a mere two weeks hence, things will look better.  Perhaps, after we’ve sat and watched England cruise to qualification for Brazil 2014, we can turn our attentions back to Leeds United in a more positive frame of mind.  Will we have new faces to slot into our supporters’ team formations and post on Twitter? (Do I go traditional 4-4-2 or should I stick with the diamond? What about wing backs either side of a three in defence, eh? Hmmmm. Complicated, ain’t it.)  A couple of new faces could do a lot for morale out here, among all the armchair coaches and strategists, not to mention the galvanising effect on the team and its performances under the man who matters, Mr McDermott. And maybe there’ll be rumours of money coming into the club. There certainly should be, we’ve rarely been without them this past two years.  Rumours we have aplenty; pounds sterling, dollars or even shekels have been in somewhat shorter supply.  But you never know.  There’s no football for Leeds United for two long weeks. Surely something will happen in that time.  Perhaps even … something wonderful??

It’s to be hoped so.  The present mood out here is not positive, and the people responsible for those conflicting statements – and for what amounts to defeatist talk, dammit all – must hold their hands up for that.  If nothing else happens in the next fortnight while England’s millionaire playboys are poncing about at Wembley, it would at least be nice to see a more unified Leeds United emerge at the end of that time, singing the same song, or at least avoiding such excruciating discords.  A couple of high-class loans would do us all the power of good and maybe – just maybe – we could then go Marching On Together into the January market with a bit more hope than seems likely right now.  After all, we’re all Leeds, aren’t we?  Of course we bloody are. Fingers crossed it stays that way.

Sepp Blatter “Seeks More Time” Over Qatar World Cup ’22 Details – by Rob Atkinson

Sepp Blatter wondering whether a brewery is a good place for a piss-up, yesterday

Sepp Blatter wondering whether a brewery is a good place for a piss-up, yesterday

FIFA has confirmed that the 2022 World Cup Finals tournament will take place in Qatar after all.  There will however be no final decision on the actual timing of the tournament until after the 2014 tournament in Brazil. A well-funded, well-fed and self-important FIFA Commission, possibly including vocal opponents of a winter World Cup, has been planned “to carry out very deep consultations and investigations and show some diplomacy and wisdom” a FIFA spokesperson stated, with a commendably straight face.

The latest decisions and non-decisions have been made in spite of shock information that has slowly seeped into the heads of FIFA President Sepp Blatter and other officials since December 2010 when the event was originally awarded to the middle-eastern oil state, which has been ruled absolutely by the Al Thani family since the mid-1800s.  These shattering revelations include the news that;

  • Qatar gets quite warm in the summertime;
  • Alternative times of the year, whilst cooler (merely “bloody hot” as opposed to “blood-boilingly impossible, even for a camel“), are inconveniently taken up with league programmes in the world’s major football-playing countries;
  • Migrant workers are routinely having their rights abused;
  • There have been instances of deaths on World Cup-related construction sites.

Mr Blatter has stated that he has “sympathy and regret for anything that happens in any country where there are deaths on construction sites, especially when they are related to a World Cup.”  But he feels that such considerations must not be allowed to get in the way of his vision for football. “The Fifa World Cup 2022 will be played in Qatar. There you have it.”

Such an autocratic approach has been welcomed by the authorities in Qatar itself, where this is pretty much how they run things all the time.  The state is ruled absolutely by Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani who seized power in 1995.  Corporal and capital punishment continue to be practised, and several elements of the Western way of life are severely proscribed, including sexual orientation and freedom of expression.  A Qatari poet Mohammed al-Ajami, also known as Mohammed Ibn al-Dheeb was handed a life sentence, apparently simply for words he has uttered or written.  FIFA have either been aware of all of these factors at all relevant times since 2010, or have become aware of them since – but there is no indication that their decision has been in any way affected, beyond Mr Blatter’s “regrets”.

The area of labour is similarly fraught.  Many cases of ill-treatment of immigrant labour have been observed. Qatar does not maintain wage standards for its immigrant labour. Under the provisions of Qatar’s sponsorship law, sponsors have the unilateral power to cancel workers’ residency permits, deny workers’ ability to change employers, report a worker as “absconded” to police authorities, and deny permission to leave the country. As a result, sponsors may restrict workers’ movements and workers may be afraid to report abuses or claim their rights.  It’s a system thought to be much-admired by some Cabinet Members in the UK’s coalition government, though nobody has been available to comment upon this.

One fact that may well have had some bearing on the FIFA stance is that Qatar has proven reserves of oil and natural gas, putting the state at the top of Forbes’ list of the world’s richest countries.

FIFA: “Putting money and commercial opportunism ahead of liberty and human rights since 1904”