Tag Archives: The Championship

Twitter Leeds Fans Unhappy at Having to Wait to Moan About New Signing – by Rob Atkinson

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Twitter Leeds fans’ verdict on Ayling: “Rubbish”

There has been a mass whinge-storm on Twitter from unhappy Leeds United “fans” upset at having to wait until as late as 4pm on Thursday to carp at, slag off, destroy, ridicule and otherwise criticise the club’s latest signing, Luke Ayling from Bristol City. Ayling’s likely capture was first rumoured two days ago, and some dedicated moaners have been champing at the bit ever since, just waiting to pour scorn on the deal. The delay has been described as “cruelty to dumb beasts”. 

Ayling is known as a versatile defender of great promise, able to operate anywhere across a back four, and some feel that this will make him a valuable asset for the Leeds United squad. Having waited impatiently to slag the lad off, though, some Twitter users are now holding nothing back in showing their absolute contempt for the signing. “Ah’ve never heard of this ‘ere player and Ah know nowt about him,” said one cantankerous individual from Pontefract, “but I can tell thee here and now that he’s rubbish and nowhere near the quality we need to sign. And whoever this Premier League midfielder is, he’s rubbish too. Absolutely bluddy useless. What’s Garry Monk playing at? He’s nivver consulted me, tha knows.”

Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything asked the career complainer, who wished to remain anonymous but whose name is Ivor Bigg-Gripe of Monkhill, what he might think of any other prospective signings this transfer window. “Well, you’ll have to wait for mah detailed observations, lad,” our man said, cautiously. “It doesn’t seem fair to rip ’em to shreds till they’ve actually signed, ‘owever long I ‘ave to wait. But I can tell thi now, they’re crap, whoever they are. Useless. All of ’em. And tha can quote me on that.”

Leeds are expected to complete a couple more deals before the end of the window, with as many as three players leaving the club. Twitter users on the LUFC hashtag are virtually unanimous in their disapproval of the un-named transfer targets, whilst agreeing nem. con. that whoever is moving out is vital to the team and should not be let go at any price.

The Leeds United Twitter feed has been officially classified as “ludicrous”.

 

Cellino’s “Old Lamps for New” Policy and How It’s Sold to Leeds United Fans – by Rob Atkinson

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Allegedly want-away youth product Charlie Taylor

The Massimo Cellino propaganda machine is cranking up again, the object as ever to sugar-coat nasty pill after nasty pill in an effort to make the Leeds United support swallow them. The strategy – for want of a better word – behind this recurrent process might best be described as “old lamps for new”, in a reversal of the trick practiced by another pantomime villain, Abanazar in Aladdin. As we might remember from our younger days, nasty Uncle Abanazar offered “new lamps for old”, in an effort to gain ownership of the lamp with the genie inside. Cellino, a perverse villain if ever there was one, has made a habit of selling off unpolished diamonds from the Leeds United youth policy, getting a good price for them, and then investing in cheaper but more experienced recruits, in the hope that he might thus conjure up the Premier League genie without the unpleasant necessity of a big net spend.

The worst thing about this decidedly short-term policy is that there are so many Leeds fans, seemingly drunk with ecstatic worship for their Italian hero, who are ready and willing to forget that it’s our home-grown future we’re pawning off, for some pretty risky short term loans and purchases. It’s a short-sighted policy that could yet reap rewards if this squad, shorn as it is of its locally-nurtured talent, can still contrive to blag a play-off place or better, and maybe somehow scramble into the Promised Land. Stranger things have happened, as Leicester City amply demonstrated last year. The difference is, Leicester went about it honestly, without manipulating their support and indulging in cheap publicity stunts.

That brings me neatly onto the season ticket refund promise. If Leeds United don’t make the play-offs this coming season, then a chunk of season ticket receipts will go back to qualifying buyers by way of refund (or maybe even via discount against future season ticket purchases). Some were impressed by this, others realise that such grandiose gestures have to be costed and allowed for. They have to appear in the budget for subsequent seasons, and I’ll give you three guesses as to how any such shortfall might be made up.

The latest we hear is that Charlie Taylor, last week’s contract rebel, and the scourge of Serie A side Atalanta, is this week’s transfer requester, as the Elland Road publicity department has its crafty two penn’orth. Not so long back I heard from a guy who met Charlie at a pre-season friendly. “Will you be staying then, Charlie?” asked the fan. “It’s out of my hands,” replied our young and promising full-back, glumly. And the truth is, it is out of his hands, as it was out of Sam Byram‘s hands, and Lewis Cook‘s. Further down the line, there’s Alex Mowatt – and later, perhaps, our exotically-named and lavishly talented young prodigy Ronaldo Vieira.

There’s not much point, when you think about it, in these young men rocking the boat or making trouble. They have their careers to think of, after all, and their new clubs might not be impressed at a loose lipped footballer. So, we hear that yet another youngster wants to jump ship, and a lot of fans will say, sod him, then. If he doesn’t want to play for Leeds United, let him go. And lo and behold, another new lamp is sold off for a big profit – and a small proportion of that profit is invested in the loan or purchase of an old lamp which is slightly tarnished, perhaps, but might just shine for another year or so yet.

As I said earlier, all of this might just work. The squad being assembled by Garry Monk looks quite promising, and is perhaps two or three quality additions away from being competitive in this league. We’ve even bought an uncut diamond for ourselves, in the exciting shape of Kemar Roofe. But it’s a big gamble, with the high stakes being put down at the cost of what’s always been regarded as our club’s lifeblood – the procession of top-class youth products from the academy. If the gamble pays off and we go up – then it’s a whole new ball game, as they say. But what if it doesn’t? What if, with our diamonds all sold off, we’re left short of the play-offs, and stuck with several once-valuable but rapidly depreciating assets? Those old lamps won’t bankroll our future, and it’s the future we’re now in the process of selling (hopefully with some nifty sell-on clauses). And the thing is, sadly, the new lamps being sold off are the ones largely getting the blame.

When we all should, of course, be blaming evil old Uncle Abanazar.

Will Marcus Antonsson, Leeds’ New Scandinavian, Be a Bakke? Or a Brolin?   –   by Rob Atkinson


Scandinavia is quite a productive marketplace for players of reasonable quality at competitive prices and, as such, it is a market that Leeds United has dipped into from time to time, usually with a fair degree of success. The Yorkshire Evening Post has marked the occasion of United’s acquisition of their latest “Skandy” import, Marcus Antonsson, by running a poll to see which of seven predecessors should be regarded as best value. Eirik Bakke is looking a strong favourite at the moment, with the prematurely tubby Tomas Brolin predictably trailing in a poor seventh and last place.

In between those two extremes are several others of whom Leeds fans will have more or less fond memories. Alf Inge Haaland, by common consent, served United well in the three years leading up to the Millennium. He was an effective midfielder with a knack for popping up with useful goals here and there – and he seemed to “get” Leeds United in a way that certain players do, establishing thereby a distinct rapport with the Elland Road crowd. His role in the self-inflicted injury of Roy Keane, who comically did a cruciate in a vain attempt to foul Alf, is still talked of today in tones of distinct approval. The only real blot on Alfi’s copybook was a belter of a goal he scored at the Gelderd End – sadly, for Man City on his first return after leaving United.

Among others, Kasper Schmeichel did OK in goal for Leeds, managing to some extent to live down the unfortunate fact of his parentage. Leeds fans still ask why, oh why was he transferred – but Kasper’s determination to run his United contract down made selling him for a million a real no-brainer. Gunnar Halle is fondly remembered for his attitude and commitment, and Casper Sloth is still awaiting the verdict of a jury that has been out for virtually his whole time at Leeds so far.

The Tomas Brolin era at Elland Road started with high expectations – but it was all downhill from there. With his one real bright spot being a fine performance in a Christmas Eve 3-1 tonking of manchester united, when he set up the killer goal for Brian Deane, some remember him even better for a comedy moment at Selhirst Park. Playing for Crystal Palace against United, he sustained a head injury and had to go off to be bandaged. During his absence, Leeds scored and Brolin copped some good-humoured but intense stick when he reappeared, his head swathed in about half a mile of white medical dressing, like some sort of fabric motorcycle helmet. Sadly for the unfortunate Tomas, this head-dress almost literally exploded when the ball struck him fair and square in the skull, leading to a peak of hilarity among the away support. He may not have been revered at Elland Road, but for that comedy moment as well as his part in the humbling of the Pride of Devon, he is unlikely to be soon forgotten.

EIRIK BAKKE LEEDS UNITED 1999/2000

So, we welcome our latest Scandinavian recruit – and we must simply hope that he turns out to be more Bakke than Brolin. The advance publicity is promising, with the additional plus point that this appears to be a Garry Monk signing, not another of Cellino’s cock-ups. Antonsson was in demand elsewhere and has an impressive recent CV, after a prolific spell of late. All Leeds fans will wish him well, with the earnest hope that he will be followed into the LS11 area by other signings of equal or even greater quality.

Welcome Marcus – you’ve joined what is still a great club. All the best in helping restore us to our rightful elite position in the game.

Leeds Eyed by THREE Billionaires Amid Transfer Frenzy? – by Rob Atkinson

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They really could do worse than rename the close season as the silly season. Trawling through the Leeds United stories at this time of year above all is an exercise in sorting out the absolutely unbelievable rumours from the merely outlandish. Today has been a case in point. Top of the poll in terms of credibility is a likely move for Swedish attacking hotshot Marcus Antonsson for a mooted £1.25 million. There even appears to be a possibility that this deal could be done as early as tomorrow (Monday), with some sources stating that a medical is booked. This, despite what we’ve been told about a board meeting on Tuesday holding the key to any imminent transfer business.

The Antonsson story may well have some legs, but from here on in it gets progressively less likely. Another story doing the rounds is that young striker Ashley Fletcher has had his £7,000 a week wage demands met by Leeds, as he considers a move away from his current billet at Manchester’s second-ranked club (no, apparently that’s not Stockport County). Fletcher spent a portion of last season on loan at Barnsley, who stormed back from bottom of League One just before Christmas to gain promotion to the Championship via the play-offs, easily out-classing Millwall at Wembley. Could Leeds United really tempt a player away from rival clubs in darkest Manchester and the People’s Republic of South Yorkshire? Decide for yourselves – but money talks, and some sources are hinting that Leeds currently appear not to be short of a bob or two.

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Sorry about the background colour, Massimo…

Which brings us neatly to the least likely rumour of all, which has led to a revival of the frequently popular #TOMA hashtag; as not one, not two, but three billionaires are said to be interested in purchasing the Elland Road club, possibly as a consortium of simply obscene wealth. Because, if you believe the whispers, these guys – unlike current owner Massimo Cellino – are actually rich billionaires. Australian, too – which may explain a certain lack of intellectual and financial rigour. Still – if they’re that rich (and if they actually exist) – who cares?

So, this probably really is the silliest of silly seasons, but at least the rumours are positive, for once – and they’re certainly entertaining, to this jaded and careworn blogger, anyway. And, let’s face it, a preoccupation with transfer rumours of greater or lesser likelihood, together with that old Leeds United favourite #TOMA – it’s got to be better than babbling on about Leave versus Remain. Hasn’t it?

The next couple of weeks could be pretty interesting and – just possibly, for once in a long, long while, actually in a good way.

Cellino Losing Patience With Leeds Coach Garry Monk   –   by Rob Atkinson


Change could be afoot at Elland Road with unmistakable signs that owner Madssimmo Cellino is getting bored – ahem – that is, losing patience with Head Coach Garry Monk. Monk, who was appointed earlier today, admits that his fate is out of his hands, but feels that he has lived up to expectations so far, with an unbeaten record to his credit.

Cellino himself would make no comment, other than to confirm that Monk’s successor should be in post by Monday lunchtime, and on his bike by Monday teatime. 

Is Cellino Now Looking For a Monk With a Vow of Silence as Leeds Boss?   –   by Rob Atkinson

Garry-Monk

Monk – silent and celibate enough for Cellino?

So, the least surprising Leeds United news of all time is finally confirmed, after weeks of needless shilly-shallying during which owner Massimo Cellino displayed a characteristic lack of class, guts and decency. Rumour has it that il Loco wasn’t even man enough to tell Steve Evans in person that he was no longer required. Well done, thou good and faithful servant – now, kindly leave the building.

Various betting markets will now open. The first may well be as to how many Leeds coaches it is till Christmas, with five as the even money favourite. More seriously, speculation is rife as to the identity of the next mug stupid enough to work for an incompetent egomaniac like Cellino. Evans’ departure may mean that a new patsy, number seven of that ilk, is in the offing – or it may simply be that today was the last possible day to announce Big Steve’s contract would not be renewed. It’s humiliatingly disgusting either way. Leeds United is a difficult club to be proud of supporting these days. 

If the next dead man walking has at last been identified, then a fair bit of money says it could be former Swansea manager Garry Monk. (Swansea, you may remember, are one of that clutch of clubs which shared with us our dismal League One days, and who have now established themselves way ahead of us in the Premier League with a trophy on the sideboard. Current English Champions Leicester City are another).

If it is to be Monk, he will presumably have been briefed as to his working conditions. The lower league managers approached in the last week or so appear to have asked awkward questions about those conditions, before wisely concluding that they’re better off where they are. Monk, if he is the one, would have to understand that as Leeds Head Coach, he would be very much the President’s man. There must be no unauthorised yapping to the Press, like that maverick Evans. No whipping up the crowd with the Leeds salute, like that self-promoting Redders. And definitely NO attempts to become more popular with the fans than Cellino himself. That’s the ultimate no no. 

Anyone who accepts a job like Leeds under the kind of restrictions that proved unpalatable to the managers of MK Dons and Bristol Rovers may not – we might ruefully suppose – be the type of guy we really need. And therein lies the conundrum, that’s the real Catch-22. The kind of man and manager we really need – able to handle himself in the media, principled, tough, decisive, all that malarkey – would be anathema to Signor Cellino. Heavens above, we’ve just this minute got rid of one like that!

And, by the same token, the sort that il Duce really seems to want – a yes man, unprotesting, biddable sort of chap – that’s the exact opposite of the archetypal successful Leeds United boss down the years. It’s an equation that just will not balance. The best we can hope for is that Cellino might be taken out of that equation, and soon, by some court or governing body or other. Because, otherwise, the craziness and the shame will continue. 

If the President’s Lucky Seven choice for Leeds turns out to be Monk (and, of course, if Monk recklessly accepts a doomed commission) then we can assume that the vow of silence will already be signed, sealed and delivered. And the vow of celibacy can be taken as read, too – after all, no-one with the balls to stand up to Cellino will be getting anywhere near the manager’s office at Elland Road.

And – to my many detractors, most of whom have had silence imposed upon them – believe me, it gives me no pleasure to write in this vein. I would not choose to pour scorn or drip sarcasm over my beloved Leeds United. It’s painful and heart-rending. But take a step back from your lifelong loyalty and your blindness to the truth – and look at Cellino’s Leeds in the cold light of day. It’s not a pretty sight, is it?

Whoever gets the job next, unless he finds himself freed by exterior forces from Cellino, he will most certainly fail. Hamstrung, gagged and with his hands tied behind his back, just ask yourselves – how could he do otherwise?

Leeds Fans Knew the Script as Barnsley Outclass Millwall at Wembley – by Rob Atkinson

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Millwall thugs break security to attack jubilant Barnsley supporters

Today’s League One Playoff Final was a script already written; certainly many a Leeds United fan, knowing what we know of the protagonists, could accurately have predicted how events would unfold. 

Predictably, Barnsley would beat Millwall comfortably at Wembley, to secure promotion to the Championship. Predictably, Millwall’s vicious minority would have a mass tantrum afterwards, charging at celebrating Yorkshire fans to spoil yet another occasion involving football’s sickest club, the shame of London. And, predictably, self-righteous Millwall fans would argue that it’s OK for them to do that and that we have no right to criticise, “because Leeds fans have been violent and have sung nasty songs“. It was all massively predictable, well in advance.

And so it came to pass, certainly in the first two particulars. Barnsley swept into a second-minute lead and never really looked back. Even being pegged back to 2-1, after Hamill‘s classy second, presented the Tykes with no real alarms or jitters. Millwall huffed and puffed, but were hopelessly outclassed. Barnsley’s promotion-clinching third after the interval flattered them not one iota. It could so easily have been more.

Then the Millwall fans showed their true colours after the game was done, trying to get at the red-shirted, jubilant Barnsley fans and generally making fools of themselves, as is their wont. One Tweet told of a disabled Barnsley supporter being tipped out of a wheelchair and kicked down some steps. Reportedly also, two Barnsley fans received stab wounds. Who knows if all of that is gospel true? But the point is, you can easily believe it of the degraded bunch of savages that forms part of Millwall’s less than massive support. Now, all that remains is for the Millwall fans who read this, and other accounts, to bleat their standard excuse: don’t point the finger at us! You do it too! And so we have, in the past, as have other sets of idiot fans. Not these days, though, never as often and not as brutally. Let’s face it, we’re not perfect, but we’re not Millwall. Thank heavens.

And surely, the Football League must now address the problem of Millwall and its classless, cowardly, disgraceful followers. This is a club with form for its fans fighting among themselves at Wembley in the past. The same thugs showed themselves up in the semi-final second leg of this play-off competition, with late pitch invasions to end Bradford‘s hopes of mounting a last-gasp comeback. It happens time and time again in a disgusting Millwall history that goes back in a similar vein for decades. It will keep on happening unless this nuisance club are cracked down on – and cracked down on hard. Whatever the problems that may, from time to time, have assailed other clubs – my beloved Leeds prominent among them – Millwall FC stands alone for the frequency and severity of their transgressions. It’s time for swift and decisive action to be taken. 

It probably won’t happen, though. Millwall are a Football League blind spot, just as Galatasaray are for UEFA. Truly is it said that there’s none so blind as those who won’t see, and the football authorities seem determined to look at Millwall’s transgressions through the darkest of blackout spectacles. The media are no better; they seem to have adopted the Beasts of Bermondsey as their token small club ripe for patronising. Meanwhile, opposition fans continue to live in fear of cowardly, mob-handed attacks. Except at Elland Road, of course, where the Millwall tough lads, no angels they, fear to tread. They usually bring about a dozen, who sit in a terrified silence, meekly accept defeat, and slink off home like the craven curs they are.

Congratulations to Barnsley, who – having been bottom of League One before Christmas, will now adorn the Championship with their classy brand of football. They have also obligingly ensured that happy division will stay relatively clean and civilised by condemning the scabby and feral Lions to prowl around at a suitably lower level. The second tier picture is complete now, and it looks an enticing prospect. On today’s evidence, Barnsley FC will not look out of place.

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Barnsley celebrate a well-deserved promotion

Leeds Still Yorkshire’s No. 1 as Hull Outclass Sheffield Wednesday   –   by Rob Atkinson

That Sheffield Wednesday Wembley feeling

In the end, it was a 1-0 landslide at Wembley as Humberside’s finest totally eclipsed a bedraggled set of Owls in the first of this season’s playoff showpieces. But for the admirable Westwood in the Sheffield Wednesday goal, the scoreline could have been an embarrassing rout. Hull City would not have been flattered by a 5-0 scoreline, utterly out-playing the South Yorkshire pretenders. 

The Sky commentators made much of the travelling throng of Wendies who packed out their end of Wembley and made themselves heard until all hope was gone. But how well do we at Leeds United know that promotions are won on the turf at the national stadium, not in the stands. The crowd contest when we played Donny in that League One playoff was even more lopsidedly unequal, with Whites fans massively dominating the spectacle. But it was Rovers who got the goal – and a similar scenario played itself out today.

So it’s well done to Hull City and Rob Snodgrass, and the very best of hard cheese to the Wendies, who also had their very own ex-White in the team. Tom Lees was the man who gave the ball away to give Hull the decisive goal, and what a strike it was. Congratulations, Agent Lees. You made it look like an accident. 

Leeds United, then, even in their current chaotic incarnation, remain top dogs in Yorkshire. Local derby hostilities will resume next time around, despite all the confident rhetoric from certain big mouths down Sheffield way. Those mouths can munch away on some humble pie while Yorkshire’s finest at Elland Road try to get their act together.

See you next season, Wendies. So glad you’re still with us. 

Now Mickey Mouse Turns Down Cellino and Leeds United   –   by Rob Atkinson

In the latest twist to the Leeds United managerial saga, Life, Leeds United, the Universe & Everything can reveal that yet another household name has turned down the chance to take over at Elland Road.

The latest in a growing list of potential Leeds managers to decide his future lies elsewhere is Disney legend Mickey Mouse. We understand that Mr. Mouse was approached earlier this week by United owner Massimo Cellino, who told the popular cartoon rodent that Leeds was “With me in charge, a club with your name written all over it, my friend”.

Asked about his reasons for turning down this fabulous opportunity, Mr. Mouse was reticent. “I can’t say too much, as I understand personal friends of mine could also be in line for this job. But it just wasn’t right for me at this time. I’ve not been that busy lately, and I’m really looking for something slightly longer term than the next week or so that Massimo was talking about. But I appreciate his interest in me, and I wish him and Leeds well in the future”.

Cellino himself remains defiant and insists he still has “many special options”. Rumours that Miss Piggy is a candidate appear to be wide of the mark, as she has been linked with a position working under Prime Minister David Cameron on several highly sensitive projects including acting as a mouthpiece at the PM’s pleasure. The Chuckle Brothers, astrologer Russell Grant and Penelope Pitstop’s arch-nemesis, The Hooded Claw, are other names being spoken of in informed circles. But, despite his outward show of bravado, it is believed that the failure to reach agreement with Mickey Mouse has hit Cellino particularly hard, and he is now expected to spend the weekend contemplating more fibs about the possible sale of the club before launching into another impassioned rant on Monday.

The latest betting odds for next permanent (periods over 24 hours) Leeds manager reflect the uncertainty of this market. Current incumbent Steve Evans is still available at 5000/1, attracting sizeable punts from a Mr. C Ranieri of Leicester as well as an un-named former England striker. Evans’ current situation is described by the man himself as “deeply hurt but still pathetically eager”.

Massimo Cellino is a complete and utter lunatic.

Massimo Cellino Looking for Ideal Man as Leeds United Manager   –   by Rob Atkinson


Further to the forthcoming callous betrayal of the incumbent Leeds United manager, a vacancy for Head Coach, or whatever, is about to arise at Elland Road. We will require a biddable yes-man to take responsibility for the failure of a morale-sapped collection of second-tier footballers. This is a vital position; somebody very special is needed to massage the President‘s ego.

You must have a proven track record of obsequious fawning to superiors and to their families. You should also have a concrete record of professional achievement in football, yet somehow also be lacking in pride, self-esteem and any ambition to work on your own initiative. You may be required to clean out dressing rooms and to testify on the club’s behalf when inevitable discrimination cases are brought by discarded former employees. A casual relationship with the truth would be a distinct advantage.

Media savvy, you will hold of first importance the necessity of using the phrase “the President is giving me his full backing”, at every opportunity. You may also use other forms of praise for the President; you may not IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCES seek to be more popular with the supporters than the President. Use of what is known as “the Leeds Salute” is also BANNED in any circumstances. After any victory, you will acknowledge the role and inestimable contribution of The President. After draws or defeats, you will make grateful references to the President‘s benign patience, and you will explain the mistakes you have made and how, with the President‘s guidance, you intend to avoid such mistakes in future. You will appreciate the importance of not “bigging yourself up” – there’s only one star in this show, and it ain’t you*.

You will have vital input into player recruitment. You will outline to the President the type, character and identity of players you feel the club should acquire, with full reasons. You will then undertake to get the best out of the quite different players the club actually does acquire, even though these players will almost certainly not be ones you would identify as good enough. The names you have identified will be for the sole use of the President, who, when things go wrong, will point to them as the players he really wanted to sign.

You will also have vital input into team selection. You shall personally write out the team sheet in the presence of the President, as per his dictation. Shorthand skills are not necessary. The President will speak slowly and clearly, for the benefit of those who can’t understand plain Italian.

Applications should be addressed, for reasons of security, to “il Duce, Elland Road”. Your remuneration package shall relate directly to your age, experience and subservient attitude. Length of contract shall be decided one week prior to your dismissal by mutual agreement with the President, whose word is law; you shall be debarred from talking to the press for a period of (to be agreed unilaterally).

This is a golden opportunity for the right man to enjoy a spell struggling against impossible odds, in the full glare of the media spotlight, before disappearing into obscurity with a shredded reputation. If you think that YOU could be this man, you’re probably stupid and lacking in any professional qualities or indeed the common sense to realise you’ll be just another patsy; The President would warmly welcome your application.

*It’s the President.

LEEDS UNITED AFC IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES EMPLOYER. NO, REALLY. WHO’S THAT LAUGHING AT THE BACK THERE? HAVE THAT MAN REMOVED IMMEDIATELY.